Everything Is Waiting Here
by Ivory Slayer
Summary: When a rebellious Ashley is ready to throw her life away, she meets a sweet Spencer just in time. But its really hard to make things work when outside factors get in the way. Sometimes the pressure of others is too much, but love conquers all, right?
1. Don't Mess with My Head

New story. Comment please!

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I pulled up to King High. I had to start my community service somewhere and why not at the very school I loathe, right? Luckily this was my last year here. I only had four classes, photography, journalism, psychology (semester) / second semester government (I needed one more social studies credit) and French. I also had lunch in there somewhere. Guess what I got to do for the remaining two hours. Yeah, community service. You get in a few fights and add a little color to a school wall or two and they think you're a criminal... well I also almost burned a club down, but really, that was more of a favor. If you say that shit whole... Anyways. This is gonna suck. That's all I'm sayin'.

My black converse lazily hit the concrete, carrying me to my doom. Pushing open the "welcoming" green doors to the hell whole, I trudged my way through the halls to my French class. Uhg, starting the morning with a foreign language is not a good thing. Starting a morning is not a good thing in general.

"Ashley Davies! It's so nice that you showed up!" Ms. Growers said sarcastically sweet.

"Well I thought that since I didn't call, I should at least come and see you." I smirked and winked as I strolled by her.

"Ashley!..."

"Speechless. I know. Such a change for last night."

"Ms. Davies! I will send you to the principle's office. Do you want to clean up _more_ trash after school?!" She shrieked. I threw my hands up in defense.

"Alright, alright, jeeze. I call next time." Making my way to the back of the room I stopped in front of my _desk_. A petite blonde sat copping notes off , I guess the white board, the idea was so foreign (ha foreign) to me that I wasn't sure. She had golden blonde hair that was wavy and extended to her... chest... ... ... Uh? Wha? Oh, uhm, yeah... I scanned the oblivious girl from shoes to chest- head... chest. She looked like she escaped for an _Alloy _catalog.

"There is something in my seat Ms. G." I said while still staring at the girl.

"Ashley." She groaned. "Just sit somewhere else." The girl finally looked up started.

"I've been standing here for five minutes and you're startled?" She cocked her head to the side. "You're in my seat. I need you to move." The girl laughed a little and shook her head before returning to her notes. "I'm serious." She looked up at me confused. "Me and this seat we've bonded. I want it back, scamper off now."

"Yeah, she's sat there the first two times she's failed French."

"Go give head Madison."

"ASHLEY DAVIES!!!"

"Fine, fine, I'll move, but only for today." I make the long move to the desk on the left of the girl.

"Now that you've met our new student Ashley, can I please get back to the lesson?"

"Yeah, whatever." I wasn't really paying attention. My eyes were fixated on the girl to my left. When she looked up she blushed and mouth sorry. I rolled my eyes and took out my ipod.

"Wasted" rang through my head.

_Don't waste it,_

_It's only here for today,_

_You don't own it,_

_So you can't just give it away,_

_Forever, Forever is half a moment away,_

_So don't waste it,_

_It's only here for today,_

_Everything is waiting here,_

_Chorus:_

_Don't mess with my heart, don't mess with my mind,_

_Won't let you get us down this time._

_You'll like what you see and take it from me,_

_You'll learn to see it over time._

_Get wasted on love, get wasted on life, get wasted on anything that's right._

_Get wasted, get wasted, get wasted, get wasted with me._

_It seems empty,_

_I don't know what you expect,_

_If you don't give,_

_You're never going to get,_

_Forever is half a moment away,_

_You don't get_

_Back what you threw away,_

_Everything is waiting here,_

_Chorus_

_Don't mess with my heart, don't mess with my mind,_

_Won't let you get us down this time._

_You'll like what you see and take it from me,_

_You'll learn to see it over time._

_Get wasted on love, get wasted on life, get wasted on anything that's right._

_Get wasted, get wasted, get wasted, get wasted with me. _

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Should I continue???? REVIEW PLEASE: P 


	2. Have Some Heart

I sat against a large tree enjoying- choking down my lunch. A large, very large figure blocked my view.

"You're in my sun."

"Ms. Davies, you're sitting in the shade."

"I realize that, but if there was a ray of sunlight, you would be blocking it." The principle cocked an eyebrow. "I like the option of sunlight." Shaking his head, Mr. Marson continued.

"I'm just here to inform you that once you are done eating, you can begin with your community service."

"Gee, thanks Mr. Marson!"

"_Ashley!_ You missed something." Madison jeered as the little bitch dropped_another_ napkin onto the ground. Slamming the stake into it I glared at her.

"You might not want aggravate the girl with the sharp metal stick Madison!" That was it; I was done. I tossed the garbage bag into the dumpster and stomped over to my tree. I pulled my black ipod out of my leather black backpack. Hitting shuffle I slumped against the inconveniently rough bark of the oak… or maple, I don't know. It's a tree and its green.

I'm not like them  
But I can pretend  
The sun is gone  
But I have a light  
The day is done  
But I'm having fun  
I think I'm dumb  
Or maybe just happy

Hey! That's her! That's the girl that stole my seat. I hope she trips. HA! She did. I glance around quickly and wipe off the juice that is now dripping down my chin… I feel kinda bad now. She looks all embarrassed- Never mind I take that back. She's talking to Madison now. Ew, they're being all friendly. See, you can always tell if you're scum or just average/above if the "cool" (slutty) kids try and recruit you. And they blame gays for that. You don't see my throwing myself at her do ya? Anyways, that's why there are so many of them. Before said new kid can even inhale, he or she will be attacked by the popular kids… sluts and man sluts. I decided to give her a once over, you know, to see if she would last (which they almost always do sadly). Well, lets see… Cute jeans, most likely form Abercrombie, check. A form-fitting tee… **drools**…. … Uh, **clears throat**. Although it is nice and tight, very nice might I add, it doesn't have the trade mark Fitch of Areo, just a blue polo. That would have to go in the undecided category. Shoes… I squint trying to see better. They look preppy. And then I look at her face…

Think I'm just happy  
Think I'm just happy  
Think I'm just happy

Wow. She doesn't even look like she's wearing make-up. Although I am like, 200 ft away. Still… Now I've just realized how lame this is. I don't care.

Madison stood up and began… dancing? Nope, just – oh Lord – showing her a cheer routine.

She's a goner.

My heart is broke  
But I have some glue  
Help me inhale  
And mend it with you  
We'll float around  
And hang out on clouds  
Then we'll come down  
And have a hangover

Have a hangover  
Have a hangover  
Have a hangover

I got through the rest of the day without much of a hassle. I was just going through my purse by my orange 2007 Ford mustang when I felt a little tap on my shoulder.

"Ugh, no I will not star in you 'little movie'." I groaned, turning around.

"Uh?" The blonde asks.

"Thought you were someone else. What do you want?" She just looks at me with big blue eyes and stands in the most innocent way possible. "Well?" She blushes.

"I'm Spencer."

"That's lovely." I started to turn around, but a hand with freakishly perfect baby blue nails stopped me.

"I, uhm, I'm sorry I stole your seat." Still about the seat, good goddess.

"Look, it's over. I've moved on."

"So I can sit there?" She asked hopefully.

"No." Her face dropped with confusion and a little hurt. "Look, I need to go."

"Oh, yeah, uhm… ok. I'm going to have to wait for my brother… He's trying out for the basketball team… go cobras?" I raise my eyebrows. She looks down at her feet shyly. I stand there defiantly.

"Why don't you just drive?" I finally ask and she looks up, then blushes.

"I… uh, haven't got my license." Crazy girl.

"Please don't tell me you're one of those people who want to cherish it like their virginity. Until the find the right one." I said mockingly, then added, "Or car." Once again she blushed. Damn she must save money on blush… and car insurance!

"I just, uhm, haven't gotten around to taking the test." She paused then looked at me and then back at her shoes. Honestly, they're not that great.

"Seriously, you should. I mean how do you survive? All these years without a license… I wouldn't make it." I said slightly dramatically.

"Well, it's only been six months." Wha? She's only a sophomore. Hehe. And I can't say I'm proud of the rest of this conversation, but hey, I was young. I bursted out laughing.

"You're a sophomore?: Things started to click. "Seriously, what are you like, hitting on me?" I really wish I didn't say that because she shrunk about two inches and she was only just my height… maybe. "Look, sweetheart, your mom has more of a chance." And I turned around chuckling. I heard her sniffle, but hey, I had a reputation.

"I'm… I'm, not," I could just about feel her look around. ",gay." That's when I stopped and looked at her again. Oh shit, I shouldn't have done that. She really was close to tears. They were making her eyes bluer and brighter and… wow, she looked, can't believe I'm saying this, but like an angel. This is when I felt myself soften. Placing a hand on her shoulder, I looked her in the eyes and said pointedly, "Yeah, why be yourself when you can be one of them." My eyes glanced over to the cheerleaders practicing.

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Comments pleawse??? (sorry I didn't edit much, sooo tired) 


	3. Maybe You

Bands - Jimmy Eat World, Marcy Playground, Lifehouse, Maybe You

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I stood staring down at her. We were close very close. Her eyes shifted from my eyes, to her shoes, to the cheerleaders and then repeated the motion.

"I'm not…" I got closer; my body flushed to hers. Leaning in I heard her take a deep breath and whispered seductively.

"Don't fight it." The poor sophomore's face was flushed and her eyes wide and misty. I chuckled and turned around. "Good luck finding that ride."

I, for some unknown reason, was at school (dare I say it) early. I parked my car and sat on the hood. Slipping my aviators down I reclined back, resting against the windshield. Pulling out a cigarette and litter, I began to sing a little to myself as I pulled my ipod out and searched for a song. "_I got a story it's almost finished / all need is someone to tell it too / maybe, that's you._" I closed my eyes. "_Our time is borrowed and spent to freely / every minute I have needs to be made up / but_ _how?_" I felt something and slowly opened my eyes while pushing my sunglasses past my forehead. Spencer. My head was turned to my left and I regarded her with squinting eyes as I moved a hand to shield me form the sun.

"Uhm, **cough** hey." I blink and take another drag of my cigarette to which she coughs again. She stares at it like she does at her shoes, then I rolled my head back to its previous position. _I'm in love with the ordinary / I need a simple space / to rest my head / and everything gets clear_ "I never pictured you for the kind of girl that would show up early for school."

"Really." I said, not even questioning her.

"Well, with your reputation."

"I don't give a damn about my bad reputation." I joked.

"Joan Jett?" Impressive, I'll give her that. I scoot over a bit and she smiles showing perfect white teeth. I bet she bleaches. Actually, that's probably against her or something. Spencer climbed up onto the car with me, having a little trouble because of her skirt. We both laid back and I gave her an ear bud as a new song starts.

"_I wanna be a punk rock super star…_"

"I've never heard this song before; I like this song."

"Me too." I said before giving her a grin.

"_I'm gonna be a Punk Rock Superstar / And if you love me when I'm a star / With all my money and my fancy cars/ This is just a pussycat's life / And everybody knows it is insane / It is insane / I wanna be a Punk Rock Superstar / I'm gonna be a Punk Rock Superstar /_ _And if you love me we'll make a scene / And I'll sue the ass of every magazine / Who do / you sleep with, where do you go / Inquiring minds want to know_"

We just laid there listening to my music, not talking just being and honestly, it felt nice. I finally spoke up breaking the silence. "So, where did you move from?"

"Ohio."

"Seriously, they even have houses there?! I thought they just had cows!" She laughed a little.

"Uhm, yeah, they have a few more houses than you think. So, you live here all your life?"

"Yep, couldn't picture myself anywhere else." We were quite for a few more minutes before Spencer spoke up.

"So… uh, you have any siblings?"

"A half sister. Kyla. She's a junior and would totally be making fun of me for hanging out with a sophomore." I teased. "What about you Spencer?"

"I have an older brother who's a junior and a jock… and an ass. My other brother, Clay, was adopted." She paused for a minute. "He was shot in a drive-by when we were visiting relatives in Florida." I didn't say anything for a long time. I didn't know really what to say. 'Sorry' sounded stupid and I couldn't just hug her… "I know how it is to lose someone you love… My dad died last year…" We laid there quietly. I couldn't believe who comfortable I was with talking to her. Actually, it kind of freaked me out.

"_The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight  
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time  
I am here still waiting though I still have my doubts  
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out_

_I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing  
With a broken heart that's still beating  
In the pain is there is healing  
In your name I find meaning  
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on  
I'm barely holdin' on to you_

_The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head  
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead  
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes  
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life_

_I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing  
with a broken heart that's still beating  
In the pain is there is healing  
In your name I find meaning  
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on  
I'm barely holdin' on to you_

_I'm handin' on another day  
Just to see what you will throw my way  
And I'm handing on to the words you say  
You said that I will be ok_

_The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone  
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home_"

"What about you Spencer, what's the story on you?" I asked changing the subject and staring up at the sky.

"Uh? Oh, I'm just a girl." I smiled softly.

"I doubt that." Our conversation ended and we both just laid and listened to the music. When the bell rang we departed. She smiled shyly at me. I winked and grabbed my bag. Subconsciously, I started to sing to a song that was suddenly stuck in my head.

"_She says she's just a girl / I think there's something more / She says / You changed her world / And the smile on her face is a dead giveaway / And I just got to know / So won't you tell me / Is there something more to You / Maybe You could be the one for me / And turn my life into / Just what I need / Maybe You could save my soul / Maybe You could be my best friend, too / Maybe You._"

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Comments faster updates!! ; ) 


	4. Is She a Rebel or a Saint?

First Day of My Life by Bright Eyes and She's a Rebel by Green Day

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_This is the first day of my life I swear I was born right in the doorway  
I went out in the rain suddenly everything changed  
Their spreading blankets on the beach_

"Miss Davies?"

_Yours is the first face that I saw  
I think I was blind before I met you  
Now I don't know where I am  
I don't know where I've been_

"Miss Davies?!"

_But I know where I want to go_

_And so I thought I'd let you know  
That these things take forever  
I'm especially slow  
But I realize that I need you  
And I wondered if I could_

"ASHLEY DAVIES!" I stopped tapping my pencil and pulled an ear bud out. I looked away from my notebook, up into the angry eyes of Miss. Grower.

"Wha?" Her eyes bulged and she held the dry erase marker in a death grip, probably wishing it was my neck.

"Can you please pay attention?"

"But I don't understand this."

"If you'd listen then you would. It's foreign language, one you should learn."

"But I'm not French." I tell her partially confused. "I speak anglaiser well, why do I need to know how to ask for a croissant?" Miss. Grower slammed the marker down on the cluttered desk.

"Out." She punctuated with a long finger.

"Bu-"

"I cannot teach you. Out." Shrugging I picked up my things and left. A warmth spread through my body and I felt a pair of blue eyes on me.

"May I use the bathroom, please?" I smirked.

Leaning against the soda machine I pulled out a long white stick.

"You know you're not allowed to smoke here." My eyes rose up from the blue lighter.

"Gonna tell on me?" I almost challenged. Spencer blushed and shook her head. "Good, then leave sophomore." Hurt flashed across her features. A thought came to mind and I locked eyes with her, a devious smile etching its way onto my shadowed face. I slowly pull one out of the new, white pack. My hand lazily stretched out to full length, the end pointing towards the blonde. She stepped back as if it was a knife; I grinned.

"I d-don't smoke." She managed to stutter out.

"I know." But I didn't more an inch. The young girls eyes flickered from the cigarette to mine. The blue hues swirled with dilemma and I couldn't help but like my lips. After all, she was gorgeous. Slowly, a pale hand reached out and took the offending drug. I light mine then took her hand and pulled her up close to me. Spencer inhaled deeply. I placed one hand on her waist, still leaning against the buzzing machine. My figure was shadowed in the partial hallway, the beams allowing in some sunlight which hit her face perfectly. She looked like she was about to pass out.

"Lean forward." I whispered seductively. Two light eyebrows jumped in shock and I chuckled softly. "Not like that sunshine, so I can light you cig."

"Oh." Was breathed out of two pink, Bon-a-belle coated lips. I resisted the earge to roll my eyes. "I-is this even legal. I mean, I shouldn't."

"That's what you said before." Spencer rubbed her arm and looked away before returning her gaze to me.

"But, are, how did you even get these?" She whispered in fear of being caught.

"18."

"Oh…" She looked away. "I guess I'm really starting to feel my age." She laughed nervously. My finger lifted her chin up as my eyes met hers then slowly racked over her body. Spencer blushed profusely.

"Believe me, you don't look 15." And a half, you look fucking good. I added in my head.

"Uh, well, I uh, thanks?" She tried. My hand rubbed slow circles on her lower back. Wow, she was so damn beaut- hot. Hot. I cautiously pushed her towards me. Her eyes fell to her shoes. She was just so, uh, cute? Gorgeous? Hot? I don't know. I tossed my cigarette to the floor and rubbed it out with my foot, ready for the games to begin. Then I looked at her, really looked at her. Her nice clothes and modest skirt. Spencer was innocent, I couldn't. I took the cigarette from her hand and she stared up at me in confusion. I smiled honestly and kissed her check. Leaning in towards her ear I whispered softly.

"Be who you are." And I walked out into the light.

_She's a rebel  
She's a saint  
She's salt of the earth  
And she's dangerous_

_She's a rebel  
Vigilante  
Missing link on the brink  
Of destruction_

_From Chicago to Toronto  
She's the one that they  
Call old what's-her-name_

_She's the symbol  
Of resistance  
And she's holding on my  
Heart like a hand grenade_

_Is she dreaming  
What I'm thinking  
Is she the mother of all bombs  
Gonna detonate_

_Is she trouble  
Like I'm trouble  
Make it a double  
Twist of fate  
Or a melody that_

_She sings the revolution  
The dawning of our lives  
She brings this liberation  
That I just cant define  
Nothing comes to mind_

_She's a rebel  
She's a saint  
She's salt of the earth_


	5. Doesn't Care Until She Does

**son fan**: apparently you're very literal. Some of these songs I just looked up for the fic. They all symbolize what is going on. ex: She's a Rebel doesn't just tie into the title, but Ashley is (obviously) rebellious. She was messing with Spencer to get her to do something she never would want to really try, then Ashley stops her because she knows what she was trying to make Spencer do was wrong. Ashley did the right thing. Hence "She's a rebel, she's a saint..." Also, when Ashley was talking to Spencer, trying to figure her out, Spencer said she's no one and the song that Ashley got stuck in her head was about a girl that thinks like that and is brought out by someone she loves. So yeah, they have a meaning. Thanks for reading. Try and think a little deeper, I don't just put bs. I actually spend time trying to find songs that fit. : )

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I was going to skip, but then I remember the greatest thing… COMMUNITY SERVICE!!! – Bite me. During my wonderful trash picking lunch, I learned something very important. People at King High are scum. I angrily jabbed the sharp utensil into a Hershey's wrapper. Filth, they're all filth. Oh man, I sound like the crazy janitor. See what this place does to me?! 

"Ash-ley!" A dreadful beast sing-songs.

"Madison, I'm about to reenact a _Saw _movie on you, what do you want, _chica_?" I growled.

"Hey, I just wanted to tell you that my _trash_ looks good on you." I dropped the pike (maybe I should have kept it though, Madison is use to having_things_ jabbed in her.) Turning around on the heel of my Converse I marched over to slut and co.

"Shouldn't you be getting tested for HIVS or something? Just scurry off now." I smirked. "Better yet, why don't you ask one of the jocks to _give you a ride_?"

SMACK.

"Oh _hell no_!" I lunged at the Latina.

"MADISON! Your hair!" Someone yelled. I hit her a couple of times.

"I always figured you for a bottom." I sneered.

"What are you trying to do _rape _me? Get off fagot!" My eyes hardened. I landed a nice sucker punch to her jaw and she shrieked. Her followers had backed off a while ago. No one was gonna save her.

"Really want _fagot_ to be your last word?" I went to hit her again.

"Ashley no!" Two arms wrapped around my waist; warm breath heated my neck. "No, Ashley." She said softly in my ear. "She's not worth it." My chest was heaving and Spencer kept her arms around me. My brow was furrowed and my fists were clenched tighter than my jaw, but I knew it was over. "Let's go." She tugged softly on my hand and pulled me to the parking lot. She maneuvered us to my mustang, gently pushing me into the front seat, then moved over to the passenger's side. "Let's just get out of here."

I couldn't agree more. Turning on the radio, we pulled out of King High.

_Alone in his own zone, cold and he don't care  
He's a problem child, what bothers him all comes out  
When he talks about his fuckin' dad walkin out  
Cos he hates him so bad that he blocks him out  
But if he ever saw him again, he'd prolly knock him out  
His thoughts are whacked, he's mad so he's talkin' back  
Talkin black, brainwashed from rock and rap  
He sags his pants, 2 rags and a stocking cap  
His step-father hit him so he socked him back  
And broke his nose, this house is a broken home  
There's no control, he just lets his emotions go  
Come on..._


	6. Color Me Crazy

"Ashley!" Fuck! What is she doing here! It's like, what six in the morning? I drop the crow bar to my side. Jake's slim form leans against the building's wall; his green eyes peak through messy brown hair. The smug look is whipped off Aiden's face once her realizes we could be caught. "Hey!… uhm, what are you doing?" I can feel the guys exchange looks.

"Uhm, well, we just comparing tools?…" I roll my eyes at Aiden's lame attempt to cover up.

"It's a dare. Run along sophomore." I deadpan. Jake snickers a bit and I try to ignore the plunge my stomach takes when I see her wince at my remark. Twirling the metal in my hand, I shoo her off with the other and turn back to the window.

"You could get caught." I groan.

"Look kid, we kinda realize that, so it would be great if you weren't here, 'k?" Jake turns his attention back to me. 

"Bye Ashley." She sighs.

"Whatever." I continue to look for the best way to pop the window. 

"Are you gonna do this, Davies, or not?"

"If you're so afraid of getting caught, why don't you run along Dennison?" Jake taunts. Aiden quickly shuts-up. Jake is taller than him, 6' 2", and stronger. He gives off an intimidating appearance with his dark jeans and non-label hoodies to his sharp features and deep eyes. Not a guy to mess with and Aiden knows that. 

"I was just sayin'. I gotta be at basketball practice-"

"You just want to be there early to see the cheerleaders practicing." I cut in annoyed. He grins a dopey smile, then continues much to my dismay.

"_And_ I want to practice my game. Can't be late." 

"Seriously, shut the fuck up." Jake growls. 

"_Boys_." I finally pop the window. Then chuck the bar to Dennison.

"I don't want it!" He yelps while Jake and I laugh. Hosting myself up on two-toned arms, I straddle the ledge before dropping into the room. Jake soon follows with a grumbling jock. I throw my black backpack on the large, cluttered, oak desk. Smirking I look around, rubbing my fingerless gloved hands together. Then I reach into the bag, pulling out a one blue can, a red one, and a green can. Tossing the green to Jake I take blue and, with my tongue peaking through my parted lips, start my masterpiece.

"I can't believe you did it Davies." Aiden says in awe. I just grin.

"I can't believe you were to chicken to join in." I mock.

"Hey, hey," He puts his arms up in defense. "It was _your_ dare, not mine." Jake raises a dark brow and shakes his green can causing a dull pinging sound. Aiden shrugs. "Never said _you_ had to Henders." The other boy rolls his eyes and tosses the spray paint back into my bag. He then comes to stand next to me, placing a cool hand on my shoulder.

"Nice work." He chuckles. "The office never looked better." A hug grin spreads across my face as I cross my arms and admire my work.

_Mr. Marson is a pussy, you are want you WANT to eat_


	7. Nothing is Right

After my little memo, we got out of there a-asp. Well, I wanted to "look" around, but Aiden kept complaining about basketball and Jake had to practically recite my record. It was long FYI. I mean, seriously, we could have gone through the drawers, scored some cash, and found cheap porn (like there's an expensive kind) by the time he hit 9th grade. Let me see, there was the locker room incident, four "revamped" desks, a missing statue, and a very suspicious smell coming from the vents that year. How I miss those days. A few more months and I'll have to start to "behave", which translates into not get caught as much. 

"So, do you think Mr. Marson know it was you?" I gave Jake a look.

"No, I'm sure he'll blame Madison, or maybe the nurse. She always was a little feisty if ya ask me." I joked. He shook his head and chuckled.

"Good luck Wildfire." I rolled my eyes at the nickname and surveyed the courtyard. Oh joy, it's the cheerleaders. How I wish I could be one. Maybe if I give up my free will and thought capacity, they'll let me join. If only! 

I was guessing it was almost seven, and I didn't need to draw more suspicion to myself. Leaving was the best bet. Good thing no one saw… damn it. The blonde chick. Uhmmm, I have to deliver a message to make sure nothing slips when the questioning is going down. Pulling out a piece of unfinished homework I scribbled something down then grab the nearest freshmen walking by. Seriously, why be here early if you don't have too? Why be here at all actually? 

"You." The boy froze as I pulled him around the corner. "Take this and give it to that cheerleader _after_ practice ok? Make sure no one sees, got it?" He nodded his head, wide eyed. "That one, over there, see? Blonde hair, get it to her."

"The one with the nice ass?" I cocked my head to the side and admired the vocal point, then turned back to the boy.

"You perv! You can't just go looking at girls like they're a toy. Now get this to the girl with the nice as- eyes." He nodded again and I walked off, keeping to the shadows… okay, not really. I just put on sunglasses and glared at everyone that came with in two feet of me. 

"What the heck Ashley?" I groaned and got off of my car's hood. She's shook a piece of paper in my face. "Are you serious? You're gonna threaten me?"

"Maybe I should just kick your ass. You probably would be less annoying."

"What were you doing?"

"I told you a dare. Just seeing if I could really get into the office? K?" I went to turn back into the sun, but she grabbed my hand.

"I've known you for what three or four days maybe and all you do is piss me off."

"Yeah, defiantly kicking your ass." I mumbled. From the corner of my eye I saw the girl smirk.

"You wouldn't." Excuse me?

"Say wha'? Do you even _know_ you I am sweetheart?" I challenged, suddenly jumping off the car and standing in front of the, apparently, uneducated girl.

"Yeah," She said with an obnoxious smart-ass tone. "You're Ashley Davies, the rebel." She grinned like she knew something. "That says "please" and "thank you". The _demon_ turned on her heel dropping the note and walked towards the cheerbitches. I picked it up and took out my lighter.

_Spencer, you saw nothing. Please don't make me have to kick your _( nice scribbled out)_ ass. Thanks_

Damn it.

"Move it faggot!" A cheerleader bitched while pushing past me. I dropped my bags and keys on the ground.

"Maybe if she had a little Scott in her-"

"I could shoot my self?" I growled.

"Better off." Another girl sneered. Ouch.

"Hey, want to go and visit Madison on the bench?" She glared, but walked off, followed by the others. I was still picking my things off the ground when I looked up and say her.

"Come on Spencer, you might get AIDS." Her eyes locked with mine for a second. "_Fuck off_." I whispered heatedly. She ran to catch up. 

"Ashley, are you sick?" Mss. Grower exclaimed.

"Mss. G, are you on crack?" I sarcastically retorted.

"But you're here on time Ashley. I'm just, oh my. The apocalypse." 

"And my therapists say _I_ have a vivid imagination." I mumbled before taking _my _seat. I try to ignore the pair of eyes watching me from the left. _Stop it!_ I finally mouth. _I'm not doing anything!_ She mouths back. Rolling my eyes I lay my head down. 

"Jerk." Is whispered from the same direction. This day was already sucking and once again, my ipod found its way into my hand.

They say that I'm cool, they tell me I'm strong  
Everyone says it's better now that you're gone  
So how come everything feels wrong?

I took all the money that I won at the table  
Got another record and a phat tattoo  
Everybody says, Hey whatcha gonna do now?  
I've been killing myself trying to keep my mind off of you

They say that I'm cool, they tell me I'm strong  
Everyone says it's better now that you're gone  
Well maybe everyone is wrong  
Everyday I'm alone and every day's long  
Telling myself it's better since you-

"Davies and Carlin."

"What?" My head shot up.

"Well Ashley, if you had been listening to me and not your ipod then you would know that there is an assignment worth 30 of your grade and you're working with Mss. Carlin." She gave Mss. Carlin an apologetic look. I groaned in agony then looked to my left as Mss. Grower rambled on.

"Stop looking at me." I hissed.

"I'm sorry." She said and I knew it wasn't about her staring problem.

So how come everything feels wrong?


	8. Ashley Davies is

Ashley Davies

Ashley Davies. Daughter of Raife Davies, bad girl, gorgeous, juvie, and an ass. I don't know why I feel so drawn to her. Jamie, my last boyfriend, I felt a connection, but this is different. I actually new him, but Ashley Davies… Maybe I'm just desperate for a friend. Heh, some girls fall for the bad boy at their new school, I fall for the bad _girl_- Not fall, _fall_. I just mean, you know, just think about and uhm like want to be with, in a friendship way of course. Don't get confused now. I need friends is all… she's just such an ass. Uhg.

"Uh, excuse me?" I tapped the girl on her shoulder sheepishly. "Uh, you're in my fourth period history class right?" The dark skinned girl turned around and smiled.

"Spencer right?"

"Yeah, hi…"

"Chelsea Lewis. What do you need?"

"Well I was wondering if," You'd be my best friend, "you'd help me find a… textbook?" Lying always make life long friends.

"Yeah, just go to the office. Here, I'll go with you, if you don't mind Spencer?"

"No, of course not, thanks." See, life long friend in the making, all I had to do was play dumb new girl.

"So, do like King High so far?" I laughed a little.

"With everyone being _so_ friendly, how could I not – except you that is." I added sheepishly.

"Yeah, I get that. People here are… well, there's a few to be warned of, some who will use you, and other's will actually like you." I can't help but ask. Damn me.

"Where does Ashley Davies fall?" She looked over at me and sighed before turning to look ahead.

"Ashley Davies… falls into a fourth category. All her own."

"What is it?"

"She'll wreck you. I use to be friend…ly with her. But… I don't know. Things happened. She changed and well, please meet Mss. Cold 'n Careless." She smiled at me. "But don't worry, she'll leave you alone, if you leave her alone." Uh-oh… right?

"She's my partner for our French project."

"Good luck, she's difficult."

"And never pays attention." I grumble.

"Yeah, hopefully you do. Ashley Davies isn't much help." I nodded my head thoughtfully.

"That's what I've heard."


	9. The Truth About a Fallen Angel

A second update AND I'm on vacation. Wow, I'm great. :P hehe jk. Enjoy and COMMENT!! please? :D

* * *

"AAASSSHLLEYY DAVIESSS!" Ohhhh shit. Mr. Marson stormed across the lawn and caught up to me as I attempted to ditch before "clean-up duty". I crossed my arms defiantly over my red Volcum t-shirt. "My office! _Myyy office!_ You destroyed _MY OFFICE_!" Spit flew from his clenched teeth. "You are… you're impossible. GET OFF MY CAMPUS! _Trash_! And you- you know what? What everyone says about you, students, parents, teachers, _they're right_." He leaned in close, still towering over me and sneered. "You're a worthless _slut_." And no one heard… no one cared. I slid my glasses on to hide emerging tears, drew my fist back and punched him in the throat. He sputtered, gasping for air as my black Converse carried me over the sidewalk. I didn't stop for my car; Kyla (my sister) was going to borrow it for lunch. I just kept running. Pulling my sunglasses off, I rubbed the tears angrily from my eyes. My clumsy feet drove me into someone; I stumbled a bit, then feel. Picking myself up I kept moving.

"Ashley! Ashley!" Her voice cried after me, but I left Spencer behind. Finally I made it down the sidewalk and across the street. I turned the corner and then ran to an alley. My back hit the wall shakily and I slid against it. Wiping desperately at the tears, I finally gave up and just let myself cry.

I hid in my room that night. Locked the doors, left only a lamp on. Music flooded the room softly. I hugged my knees to my chest and closed my eyes wearily.

_Yesterday I died, tomorrow's bleeding  
Fall into your sunlight  
The future's open wide beyond believing  
To know why hope dies  
Losing what was found, a world so hollow  
Suspended in a compromise  
The silence of this sound is soon to follow  
Somehow sundown_

_And finding answers  
Is forgetting all of the questions we call home  
Passing the graves of the unknown_

_As reason clouds my eyes with splendor fading  
Illusions of the sunlight  
And the reflection of a lie will keep me waiting  
A love gone for so long_

_This day's ending  
Is the proof of time killing all the faith I know  
Knowing that faith is all I hold_

_And I've lost who I am  
And I can't understand  
Why my heart is so broken_

Flashbacks returned in my dreams.

Pleading, laughter, darkness.

No, no. I don't want to see this. I don't want to be there again...

Something shutting… water… I couldn't… no they wouldn't really leave… me…? Oh God, please help me! No, no, I… can't…I can't… I cant breath! Please, someone help, please!

My eyes shot open. I tried desperately to catch my breath. Goose bumps formed over my whole body. I was shaking horribly. My hand reached out blindly towards my alarm clock. 7:30. Suddenly the realization came to me… I didn't want to be alone. I was still terrified. I couldn't shake the feeling. Normally, normally it would go away by now… I didn't want to be alone.

My hands shook as I clumsily dialed the numbers I had written down.

"Hello?" A voice said cheerfully on the other line. I bit my lip nervously.

"Uhm, hey, Spencer, it's- it's Ashley… Want… want to, uhm, hang out?" I almost begged.


	10. Bottle Your Emotions Up & Throw Them Out

We sat in a small dinner outside of Los Angeles

We sat in a small dinner outside of Los Angeles. The fifties style neon clock proclaimed the time rather brightly. 8:26. Spencer sat, legs crossed and hands fettling, across from me in the booth. My tongue kept running over my cracking lips nervously, while I anxiously glanced around a few times.

"Are you ok?" She asked sincerely. It was the first time we'd spoken since I picked her up from her house. My head turned quickly in her direction.

"What? Oh, yeah… I'm fine." Her blue eyes bored into mine like she was trying to read me, analyze me.

"Is this about what Mr. Marson said because"

"No." I started to shut down my feelings. I didn't want to think about that. I didn't want to acknowledge that it hurt, really hurt. I didn't want her pity.

"You confuse me?"

"What? Why?" She sighed like she's about to tell a long story.

"I don't even know you. _You_ don't know me and… and I don't know. We've… there's been moments where you, I don't know, seem to get me… and others," she added with some aggravation ", where you act like I'm just some stupid kid. I'm not Ashley. And I don't think you give me enough credit. Honestly, you're like, what two years older than me, but you're not an adult. You, you're still finding yourself, so am I… I don't get you… but I want to." A light pink tinted her cheeks as she bit her lip nervously, but maintained eye contact. I tried to think of something to say. The only thing that came to mind was "sorry". For what, who the hell knows? For some reason, I felt like I should be.

"I'm sorry Spencer. I'm sorry I'm not what you want me to be, but honestly, we don't even know each other. Why do you even give a shit?"

"Because I care… about you…"

"You don't know me." I said defiantly.

"Then tell me." I sighed and unfolded my arms, laying them on the counter.

"You sure you really want to know that?" She nodded her head and sat at attention. I let out a breathe of air. "Ok." Flexing my fingers, I began the 'Black List' or something like that. "You're right, I'm 2 years older than you. I'll be 18 in a few months. I've been to juvie twice, kicked out of four clubs, nine schools, a mall, restaurant, and Chucky Cheeses." She raised an eyebrow. "I was trying to win Kyla a stuffed hippo. I was only 12 FYI. I didn't have enough tickets and the prick wouldn't let me have it. 389, 400. Whatever. I went around the desk, kicked him in the balls and stole it." Both eyebrows rose that time. "She still has it. Anyways, let's continue, shall we? I've been joy riding, drinking, and spray painting since I was 15. My dad left me when I was 8 and I've seen him probably 100 times since then. My mom's a bitch. Kyla just showed up. My daddy gets around, lucky me. I'm now sentenced to community clean-up shit at the hell-mouth because I got into a fight at a club- wait, no, ooh yeah. I almost blew it up. So, Spencer, now that you know me, we can be BFFs right?" I said sarcastically.

"Wow… That's a long list…"

"Those are the highlights." She nodded thoughtfully.

"So, who's the real you." She said nonchalantly while taking a sip of her coke.

"What? I just did." Her hair swishes softly as she sakes her head.

"No, you didn't. You told me your record- the highlights- and about your family. I want to know about you, just you." She's unbelievable! UHG!

"There's nothing to know." She gave me a pointed look. "No. Your turn; if it's good, I tell you more."

"Oooh, what a prize." Spencer deadpanned. I just rolled my eyes. "Well, I moved her form Ohio. My family is strick Catholic, " Mmmhh…. "Mom is mainly. She's a bit uptight. Dad's not though. My brother Glen, your age, is a star basketball play and top-notch ass. Clay is the same age, a few months younger, and smart. I'm…"

"A sophomore?" I teased.

"Ok, _you_ called _me_, for reasons that are still unclear I might add." I shrugged and sipped my Pepsi. "Anyways, I guess, I'm I don't know. I cheerlead," _I_ groaned, she laughed. "I like to paint, but I suck. My mom wants me to be a doctor, but honestly, I have no idea what I want… in more then just a career. I thought about being a social worker, like my dad, but I don't think it's for me. Too sad ya know? Uhm… I like purple, and blue, and green, an' red, "I couldn't contain my grin as she began to list the rainbow. She was kinda cute… kinda… alright, a lot cute… " I have a fear of heights, totally unoriginal I know, and snakes and spiders. I love to read, swim, and-"

"Talk?" I grinned at the deep blush that settled in her cheeks. The young girl looked down at her hands nervously and said shyly, "I'm just glad you're talking to me… I get carried away sometimes. Sorry." My smile grew a bit.

"Don't worry; it's sorta cute." Blue eyes jumped up to mine and a smile spread across Spencer's face.

"Uhm, huh, that's it." She slightly stumbled out. "Your turn?" I shook my head and smiled. "But I already went. I want to know more about _you_." She whined.

"Jeeze kids. Whine, whine, whine." I joked.

"I'm not a kid." Spencer said while sitting up a little straighter.

"Oh sorry, I'm sure you're not. I've bet you've walked across the street all by yourself- even made it to second base!" When her eyes lowered ashamed, I wanted to take back my mistake. "Heh," I laughed nervously. "Not, ya know like everyone has…"

"Bet you have." I snorted.

"Yeah, a little jog before a home-run." I was met with sad blue eyes?

"H-Home-rung?" Shit, shit, shit. Shut- up self!

"No… well yeah… I'm, like, the star player of…" My voice faded out.

"Sex?" I so should not have taken a sip right then. Sputtering, I tried to get my complexion back. Are Catholics even aloud to say that, let alone my Spencer?

"Spence…"

"It's ok… It's not like I thought you liked…" Her voice got really quiet ", me."

"Cause I'm straight you know? And- and not experienced, and young. I'm sure there are a lot of prettier girls that you'd rather-"

"There's not." There's not? Where the fuck did that come from!?

"What do you mean?" No fucking shit, Spencer. I'm asking myself the same thing.

"You're pretty, you may not know it, but," I did a quick once over causing her to blush. "your gorgeous."

"Thanks." I looked her over once more.

"No, no. Thank _you_."

We talked throughout the remainder of dinner. Family, friends, ourselves, pretty much every topic was covered. I felt free and open. The anxiety and fear from earlier tonight was gone. Spencer was… an angel. Oh hell, I'm into her. I really don't want to be. It was just some innocent- manipulative- but mostly innocent flirting at first, now… Uhg, I'm into her. And not just because she still has her uniform form Catholic School _and_ is a flexible cheerleader… mmmhhhh…

I had to fight her to let me pay, but finally I we were on our way to my mustang.

"Thanks Ashley." Her shoulder brushed against mine as we walked down the sidewalk.

"No problem. I called you." A small smile graced her lips… pink, full lips… There was silence as we approached the car. I glanced over and noticed her brow furrowing. Stopping abruptly before the passenger's door, Spencer turned to me.

"Are you gonna ignore me tomorrow?" Concerned cobalt eyes looked up at mine. I smiled softly and placed my hand gently on her cheek and neck, before pulling her into a kiss. She froze, in shock I'm guessing, before cautiously moving her lips against mine. Slowly her hands moved to my hips. I could feel them twitch a little in unsure-ness. I slowly moved closer to her. My teeth slightly nibbled her bottom lip. I gingerly rubbed the side of her cheek and threaded my other hand through her tangle-less locks. Her lips tasted like strawberries. Slowly, I slipped my tough out and ran it over her full lips. Heh, this is one hell of an answer. Cautiously, Spencer opened her mouth. When our tongues first met, she whimpered a little. She felt so good, being this close. Slowly, I pulled away from her.

"We'll see." I smirked.

The ride to her house was quite, except for the music playing softly on the radio.

There'll be girls across the nation that'll eat this up Babe I know that it's your soul but could you bottle it up?

I could feel her watching me. A small little smile played across her lips and she would occasionally glance up from her hands to look at me. She looked… really young. Like, too young. Don't get me wrong; the kiss was great – amazing even. It couldn't happen again though. There are things about me that Spencer can't know. She's only 15, and a half, she shouldn't have to deal with them. Yeah we talked about ourselves for three and a half hours, but I left some details out. Spencer needs someone that can take care of her right. I can't do that. I slipped up tonight. It won't happen again. It _can't_ happen again.

_Get down to the heart of it_

_No, it's my heart_

_You're shit out of your luck_

_Don't make me tell you again my love, love, love, love_

_Love, love, love, love_


	11. Your Feelings are a Storm

"Ashley, hey

"Ashley, hey!" Spencer ran up to me in her cute blue baby doll tee and nice fitting jeans. Her hair was up in a messing bun with curls falling loosely around her face. She looked gorgeous and it made what I had to do even harder. She stopped in front of me and bit her lip shyly. "Hey…" Spencer said a little quieter. Her beautiful eyes glanced from my hand to hers, like she was wondering if it was ok to hold mine. Those blue eyes kept glancing at me uncertainly. They're not even blue. They're like ocean blue. Not from like, I don't know, California's water, from the Caribbean. Changing from deeps and darks to bright blinding shades of blue, she's so beautiful… damn. Suddenly, Spencer surprised me and decided. She took me hand and grinned at me.

"We need to talk." Immediately, she dropped my hand. "Spence,"

"What now Ashley? I thought…"

"What? That we're together?"

"… Yeah." Her face changed from sadness to anger. "What the _hell_ is your problem?!" People began to look over at us.

"Can we, like, talk not here?"

"No. Tell me what's wrong?" I began to pull her down an empty hallway anyways. "We get a step farther, then you back up two and I have to try and catch up." I looked away ashamed.

"I'm sorry." Spencer snorts.

"Yeah, you seem to _really_ mean it. Stay away from me." I looked at her in shock. "I'll do the project, put both our names on it and then we won't need to talk. I'm tired of this. You treat me like a child, then you kiss me, and now you're… I don't even now… being a _bitch_. Yeah, that's it. You're a bitch." I stood motionless watching her walk away when all I really wanted to do was hold her.

"Go to hell, Spencer! Go to hell!" I yelled then left. Fuck school. Fuck community service. _Fuck_ her!

"Ashley, where are you going? I need to borrow your car after school." I stormed past Kyla, opening the driver's door violently. Pulling out of the parking space I started to move past her.

"Walk." I mumbled angrily.

**Spencer's Pov**

I didn't understand this or her! I laid on my bed trying to comprehend what had happened. It was a good talk. We had fun. And that kiss… it was amazing. I thought, I don't know, maybe we'd start dating… I'd finally come out, if I were really gay… Maybe it's just with Ashley. Oh gosh. What if I was actually gay?! My mom would flip. Uhg, I thought Ashley would be here for me. I just wanted to get to know her… She never did tell me why she'd called. Ashley sounded so upset… the look on her face, that's how she looked when I called her a… bitch… Why the heck did I say that? I should apologize… Maybe we can talk. We've both cooled down, hopefully, and then we can talk. I just want to understand her.

**Ashley's Pov**

I want to get drunk, get laid, then get high.

"Mmm, you're… _sooo…_ hot." The girl - Karen? - Maybe, I don't know, anyways, she was under me, moaning. Blonde hair, blue eyes, tight ass, big breast. I just wanted to fuck her… which is what I was doing. She panted then groaned and I rolled off of her. "That was _sooo _good." Why does she keep stressing 'so'? It was starting to piss me off. I began to get up and look for the rest of my clothes. A tan hand stretched out towards me. "Where ya going?"

"Home." Were the hell is my bra?!

"Don't you wan-"

"No." After that I left, still braless.

"Ashley?"

"Hey, Kyla. I'm sorry I took the car." She huffed and grabbed her toast.

"Yeah, well, you're just glad that I have friends."

"Lucky you."

"Oh, Sp-" She looked at me and scrunched her nose.

"You smell like _sex_." I laughed humorlessly.

"Yeah, well that's what I get for fucking some girl for the last hour." Kyla's eyes buldged and she shook her hands fiercely.

"What?"

"Ssshhh!" I stared at her in confusion. "Did you have to yell that? What if Spencer heard you!?" She whispered.

"WHAT!"

"SHHH!"

"What's Spencer doing here!?" I shrieked. Kyla glared at me.

"Spencer came here to apologize. _She _was torn up over some fight you guys had." She said with disappointment. Oh shit. Taking a bight of her toast, Kyla glanced up at me and said sternly, "she's in the other room." There's no way Spencer didn't here us. I tried to straighten my clothes out as I walked nervously to the living room. Spencer sat with her hands folded on her lap. She stared at them, her hair falling in her face.

"I wanted to apologize." I felt the guilt swelling in my chest, but I didn't say anything. "Was she worth it?" Finally she looked up. Her eyes held a storm of blue and a few tears strayed.

"…No." Her faced cracked as she began to cry harder. I walked over and then stopped. I didn't know what to do. "But we weren't together."

"I know." She whimpered through tears.

"So I didn't cheat on you." I said desperately.

"I know."

"Why are you crying then?" She looked back up me. Her face held a look of disbelief and anguish.

"Because I'm _in love_ with you."


	12. Cause I'm Crazy for this Girl

I could feel the bile raise to my throat

I could feel the bile raise to my throat. I didn't want to hear this. I started to leave. I couldn't look into the face of the innocent girl that fell… _in love_ with me. I wanted to slap her. Make her take it back. But I didn't. I just kept stepping backwards slowly and clumsily, like I'd just seem a monster. She held her head in her hands and her whole body shook with quite, deafening, sobs.

"N-no… you, you don't." The violent crying shook her body harder. And I ran. I left Spencer, crying on my couch.

I walked to my locker for the first time in almost a week. I pasted Chelsea. She gave me this look… not one I'd get from her, it was almost… hateful… I could almost hear her asking "why". I turned away quickly. That's it; I couldn't be here. I don't need my notebook… Yes I did. I'll get it and leave. I don't want to stay here any longer. No matter how many times my therapist and parole officer (don't ask) call, I'm not going back here, so I might as well get what I came for. I'll be gone soon enough…

"Why did you do that?" I turned around to be face to face with Chelsea Lewis. Shoving the notebook into my leather messenger back, I glared. "This doesn't concern you," I mumbled. I tried to turn around, but a firm hand spun me around.

"Yes, it does." I'd never seen her this mad before. Suddenly, her face softened. "She cared so much about you." And now she was pissed. PMSing much. "You destroyed her! You're such a selfish _bitch_, Ashley. You just played with her then broke her. You don't even care." I shoved Chelsea into my locker so hard, I surprised myself.

"You know _nothing_ about what I feel for her." I growled before turning around sharply and storming off.

"I tell her you said 'hi' when I see her in the _hospital_." What? I paused for a second then kept walking. It's not my problem. Spencer Carlin is not my problem.

I woke up from the same dream I had last night. Apart for the flash backs, I'd never had dreams so realistic that they make me almost shit myself. I laid back on the mattress, but when I closed my eyes, all I could see was my Spencer in the hospital a machine that found no pulse.

That morning I raced into the hospital. I ran up to the lady at the front desk, slightly out of breath. "Wh-Where's Spencer Carlin's room?" The lady, probably in her early 30s, rifled through some papers. Biting her cheek she looked up at me, "She's not with us anymore."

"W-what?" I spun around and pressed my back against the circular desk. She can't be… What could of happened? No my Spencer… I never, we never… Please, God, no!

"Sh-" I didn't giver her time to say anything else. Pushing myself up, I marched myself up to the nearest person in a white jacket. I needed answers.

"What did you do to her!?" The blonde turned around.

"Excuse me?"

"What did you do to Spencer Carline?!" I yelled, tears streaming down my face.

"I'm sorry-"

"What happened?" I cried.

"Who are you?"

"Just tell… tell me what happened."

"Dear, come with me. I think you're miss understanding something."

"No. The receptionist said 'she's not with us anymore'." Oh my gosh… she's…. she's….

"Checked out." Say what?

"Oh, sweetheart, Melanie meant she wasn't with us, the hospital. She checked out. I took her home actually."

"Huh?"

"I'm her mother."

"Wha'?"

"Spencer, I'm her mother."

"So she's not…." I couldn't even say it. The women, apparently her mother, smiled gently at me.

"No, she's fine. Are you a friend of hers?"

"I don't know."

"Uhm, ok…" She gave me a funny look.

"I need to leave now." I was gonna cry. My Spencer was ok (for the most part)! Thank God.

"Alright…"

I tore out of the parking lot. I didn't even care that Chelsea neglected to tell me the lack of severity… what if it was really severe though? And, and they just let her go, what if…. Oh hell, I need to stop. I cut about four people off as I made my way through L.A.

My mustang screeched into the driveway. I ran up to the welcoming, wood door and knocked franticly. A tall man with smiling eyes opened the door.

"Hello-" I cut him off; I didn't care how nice his eyes looked.

"I need to see Spencer… please." He smiled.

"Are you a friend of hers?" Uhg, stop asking me that.

"Yeah, sure. Look it's really important that I see her." He looked like he was going to say something parentally so I added pleadingly, "please."

"Upstairs, last door." I thanked him as I ran up the stairs. I wasn't thinking of how I didn't have any right to be here or that we weren't even together. My only thoughts where that she was ok because those few minutes in the hospital surpassed all prior terror. I had never been so afraid or lost. Now I just had to see her, at least one more time.

I threw the door open. Under the clean white comforter was Spencer. I rushed over to her. Her perfect pink lips opened and close.

"What are yo-" My hand slid around her neck, my thumbs rubbing her cheeks. I planted butterfly kisses over her face. "Ashley, stop."

"Mm nh." I said as I continued to kiss her. I could feel her try to pull my arms away. "Please… let me have this… I thought… I thought I lost you." Spencer went almost limp, but I didn't mind. I just needed to have her in my arms. I'm such a pussy. I started to cry and pulled her small form into mine and just cried. If I had really lost her I would have died. Finally, Spencer's arm lightly rubbed my back. Tears cascaded down my face.

"Ashley?" I sniffled trying to calm down, but was just met with more tears. "Ash?" I finally pulled myself together. Begrugedly, I untangled my self from Spencer's warm arms and just sat on her bed. "Ash, Ashley," she lifted my chin up, "look at me." And I did. She was pale, too skinny, and empty… because of me. I almost started to cry all over again. "What's wrong?"

"I- I thought you were _gone_. When I went to the hospital they said you weren't there anymore and, Spence, I couldn't live if you were gone. I _need _you. I'm so sorry." A smooth hand caressed my tear stained cheek.

"I checked out." I laughed pathetically.

"Yeah, I got that a little later." A small smile graced her lips.

"I'm soo, sooo sorry, Spence."

"I know."

"I can fix this."

"There's nothing to fix."

"Us, I can fix us."

"Ashley…"

"But, I thought you…"

"I do, but you hurt me Ashley."

"I know, but I'm not going to hurt you again." Surprisingly dimmed blue eyes looked at me sadly.

"You might."

"I promise I won't Spencer. I promise." I tried to keep the desperation out of my voice. She sighed lightly.

"Lay down with me?" I nodded eagerly. Pulling back the covers, Spencer let me climb into her warm bed. She rested her head on my shoulder.

"What happened to you?" She moved closer to me.

"I, uh, I wasn't really eating much or 'socializing'," she made air quotes. "I was gone most of the week. I just, uh, sorta fainted one day. My parent's checked me into the hospital because I ended up falling and hitting my head on the counter." My poor girl. "It wasn't anything serious, just a few stitches." She brushed her bangs back, reveling the four or five stitches.

"Spencer are you sure you're ok?" I started to stroke her hair. Rolling over so she could wrap her arms around my torso, her blonde head just nodded and nuzzled where my shoulder met my chest. "I'll protect you, 'kay?"

"Mmmh."

"Go to sleep Spence. I'll stay here with you."

"Sing me something." I bent down and kissed her head. Breathing into her hair I smiled, "ok."

"_She rolls the window down  
And she  
Talks over the sound  
Of the cars that pass us by  
And I don't know why  
But she's changed my mind_

Would you look at her  
She looks at me  
She's got me thinking about her constantly  
But she don't know how I feel  
And as she carries on without a doubt  
I wonder if she's figured out  
I'm crazy for this girl  
Yeah, I'm crazy for this girl

She was the one to hold me  
The night  
The sky fell down  
And what was I thinking when  
The world didn't end  
Why didn't I know what I know now

Would you look at her  
She looks at me  
She's got me thinking about her constantly  
But she don't know how I feel  
As she carries on without a doubt  
I wonder if she'll figure out  
I'm crazy for this girl  
I'm crazy for this girl

Right now  
Face to face  
All my fears  
Pushed aside  
And right now  
I'm ready to spend the rest of my life  
With you

Would you look at her  
She looks at me  
She's got me thinking about her constantly  
But she don't know how I feel  
AS she carries on without a doubt  
I wonder if she's figured out  
I'm crazy for this girl  
I'm crazy for this girl

Would you look at her  
She looks at me  
She's got me thinking about her constantly  
But she don't know how I feel  
And as she carries on without a doubt  
I wonder if she's figured out  
I'm crazy for this girl  
I'm crazy for this girl"


	13. You'll Realize Why I Can't Hurt You

When I see your smile

When I see your smile  
Tears run down my face I can't replace  
And now that I'm stronger I've figured out  
How this world turns cold and breaks through my soul  
And I know I'll find deep inside me I can be the one

I was trying to be better for her. I wasn't ready to open up and be in a relationship with her, but if I didn't try then I'd lose her. I couldn't be what she needed, but I had to prove that I could at least take care of her.

_I will never let you fall  
I'll stand up with you forever  
I'll be there for you through it all  
Even if saving you sends me to heaven_

I had this song I wrote for her, but… I, I wasn't ready to show her… There was a lot that I wasn't ready to show her, like my heart, but I could at least let show her part of it.

_It's ok. It's ok. It's ok.  
Seasons are changing  
And waves are crashing  
And stars are falling all for us  
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter  
I can show you I'll be the one_

I still wasn't sure about this relationship though… I knew what they said about me. I wasn't a cool rebel; I was a feared one. Spencer knew some of what they said; she didn't know everything though…

My parole officer had called again, apparently when the judge tells you to do community service, you're suppose to do it and "not act like an ungrateful punk". I told her that I wasn't acting; it just came naturally.

"Ashley, where have you been?" I could recognize Spencer even through my slightly inebriated state. Adjusting the cell phone by my ear, I replied trying to sound sober.

"Just hanging out at Junnies."

"Uh?"

"It's a store. You buy things, CDs, DVDs, porn."

"You're buying porn?" She sounded pissed. Oooops.

"No… just sayin'. You can get it 'ere." I pushed myself off the couch in the corner and started to flip through different CDs. My adult friend owned it, wow, that sounds like she pays me to have sex… she doesn't FYI.

"Why haven't you been at school? I've been worried."

"Uh, I couldn't tell. This is the first time you've called. I haven't been there for almost two weeks." I replied while looking at a CD by The Spill Canvas before tossing it onto the couch behind me.

"Well you should get your butt over here. You're gonna have to go to summer school." I laughed.

"I'm not going back Spencer."

"What?" She sounded so completely clueless and cute. "Why not?"

"I'm dropping out." This conversation was beginning to piss me off. It wasn't her business why I wasn't there.

"What?! Ashley, you can't do that!"

"Really? Because that's sort of what I'm doing, _Spencer_. No one wants me there and I don't _want_ to be there." My voiced snapped into the phone.

"We'll I'm sorry for assuming that I was someone to you. Later Ashley." The line went dead after that.

I will never let you fall  
I'll stand up with you forever  
I'll be there for you through it all  
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

Cuz you're my, you're my, my true love, my whole heart  
Please don't throw that away  
Cuz I'm here for you  
Please don't walk away,  
Please tell me you'll stay, stay

Use me as you will  
Pull my strings just for a thrill  
And I know I'll be ok  
Though my skies are turning gray

Uhg, what are you suppose to do when your not girlfriend is mad at you? Ok, I knew what I should do, but I didn't want to. Damn my newfound maturity.

For the second time this month, I stood on the unnervingly clean steps of the cliché suburban house. Seriously, I bet her mom vacuums the sidewalk too. My knuckled knocked dully against the door. I stood there, picking at my black fingerless gloves. A tall blonde, the one from the hospital (who didn't seem to recognize me) opened the door. She gave me a disapproving look, all the way from my red Converse to my torn jeans, to my black hoody and lip ring. I peeked up through my red streaked bangs. She's sooo Catholic.

"And who are you?" I so badly wanted to say "you daughter's pimp", but thought better and replied with fake inflection, "I'm working on a project with Spencer."

"The one that she said was due last Tuesday?" A blonde's eyebrow rose up. Yeah, defiantly don't want _her_ operating on _me_. I smiled, sarcasm leaking form my voice. "Well, we did _so_ well on it that the teacher wanted another. Maybe she'll even put it up on her fridge." Ok, newfound maturity gone. I heard feet pounding down the stairs. The look of utter horror crossed Spencer's face as she say me talking to her mom and I had to hold back my snickers.

"Ashley! You're here! Why are you here… in my home?" I shot her a look. "Oh right… that… well, you're here… we should do it." Heh.

"Most defiantly." I smirked at Mrs. Carlin (I think that her last name) before walking into the house and up the stairs.

We walked in stressed silence to her room. Once we were inside, she shut the door, turned towards me and crossed her arms defiantly. She looked so, so… _hot_ with her eyebrows knitted in a scowl. Her little denim American Eagle skirt that I could only accept her wearing (cuz the brand is preppy an' lame) and white _fitted_ tank top looked oh so innocent and make me oh so hot. Ohhh yeah, old pervy Ashley is back.

"What do you want Ashley?" Pissed Spencer is a major turn on! I gave her a crooked grin and walked towards her like a predator stalking prey. She backed up a bit and I placed my hands on her waist. When I leaned in, she moved her head. My lips brushed against her skin and I whispered seductively in her ear.

"You." My lips gently kissed below her ear. She tried weakly to push me away.

"Ashley." I kept kissing her neck and letting the cool metal of my lip ring brush against her. "I'm still mad at you."

"You know I'm sorry." I nipped at her ear. She tried to hold back her whimpering. "Mmmm, you know I care about you." Her body pressed closer to mine as I pulled her in. Wrapping my arms around her little waist, I began to kiss and nip at her pulse point. Nervously, she placed her hands on my arms. I pulled her even closer to me, wrapping even tighter around her. My eyes locked onto her deep sapphire ones and then I remember when I tired to get her to smoke… she was willing to, not to fit in, but because I asked her too. My hands cupped her face and I leaned down and kissed her on the forehead. I brought her into a warm hug.

"What did I do wrong?" She whispered into my shoulder. I only hugged her tighter.

"Nothing baby."

I will never let you fall  
I'll stand up with you forever  
I'll be there for you through it all  
Even if saving you sends me to heaven


	14. I Am Yours

I finally called Maggie, my PO. I told her I was sick; she didn't believe me, but for some reason, Maggie had a soft spot for me. Heh. She was about 40, average hit, muscular, and had short, reddish blonde hair. In general, Maggie was cool for a PO… specially cuz I'd be in jail without her. Honestly, after my sophomore year, she became more like a sister or mother. I told her that I dropped out and begged her to let me find me _anything_ new for community service. I don't know how she did it, but I was off the hook. No more school time for me! I just had to do some less than fun cleaning up around where ever she told me.

"Who were you calling?" Spencer called from her bed as I walked out of her bathroom flipping my red and silver cell shut.

"No one important." Her parents had gone to some show and wouldn't be back until Wednesday, it was only Friday. She wanted me to come over. After my little epiphany, I left and we didn't (once again) talk for a few days. When she called me, she was in a panic asking what was wrong, what she had done. I kind of had to make plans. Nothing was wrong, I just felt guilty for treating her like shit.

I climb onto the bed and sat in the middle of it. A baby blue blanket laid across Spencer's midriff.

"Ashey?" I was picking at the bedspread, not really paying attention.

"Mmh?"

"What are we?" I looked up dismally into her gray eyes.

"D'know." I turned over onto my stomach and propped myself on an arm.

"I want to be with you." A small smile graced my lips.

"Spence, you're only 15."

"So?"

"I'm 18 ba-." She smiled. "Spencer." A warm arm reached towards mine, trying to pull me closer. My head reached her stomach before the girl gave up. "What are you doing?"

"Trying to kiss you."

"Why?"

"We haven't had a first kiss." I shook my head.

"Yes we did and no we can't."

"I don't count that time." I gave her a _wha?_ look. "That wasn't you."

"How do you know?" I asked mainly out of curiousilty. A little smile flashed through her eyes to her cherry pink lips. A hand caressed my face.

"I just do."

"Uhmmm." I clasped softly on her stomach, placing a kiss on the area that her tank top didn't cover, before laying my head down. "What do you want with me baby?" The radio changed songs.

_I close my eyes and I smile  
Knowing that everything is alright  
To the core  
So close that door  
Is this happening?  
_  
"Please just let me be with you Ashey. Just let me in."

_My breath is on your hair  
I'm unaware  
That you opened the blinds and let the city in  
God, you held my hand  
And we stand  
Just taking in everything._

"Ok." I murmured and kissed her stomach again. I could almost hear her smile, see it in my head. I had to look up, just to actually see it.

_And I knew it from the start  
So my arms are open wide  
Your head is on my stomach  
And we're trying so hard not to fall asleep  
Here we are  
On this 18th floor balcony.  
We're both flying away._

We just laid there in silence, her hands lightly running through my hair while my thumb gently stroked her stomach.

"Tell me about your family Ash."

"Why, they're not that great."

"I just want to know." Sighing briefly, I began to talk.

"My dad, Raife, he died in a car crash when I was 15." I heard her gasp a little. "My mom is a bitch. She doesn't even care. She took the money her left us and spent most of it on who the hell knows what."

"You car though."

"Yeah, my dad gave it to me before he went on a grand tour. Most of his money is gone."

"What happened to it?"

"D'know. Just gone." There was a thoughtful silence before we began to talk again. I told her about Kyla and just anything she wanted to know. Then Spencer joined in on the sharing. We probably talked for an hour just lying there.

_So we talked about mom's and dad's  
About family pasts  
Just getting to know where we came from  
Our hearts were on display  
For all to see  
I can't believe this is happening to me  
_

I just, I don't know, got all emotional I guess. This girl, she was almost three years younger than me, but there was just something about her. I couldn't believe how caring she was. She'd just listen to me. I've never had that before.

My lips met her stomach again and I continued to kiss her. "You're amazing Spence."

"Mmm. I like that Ashey." She giggled.

"Tickles?"

"Mhm." I smiled and kissed her again before raising my body up onto my arms.

"I really care about you Spencer." I said sincerely, looking into her eyes.

_And I raised my hand as if to show you that I was yours  
That I was so yours for the taking  
I'm so yours for the taking_

She stopped laughing and looked into my eyes before leaning in forward a bit. I moved the rest of the distanced and kissed her… for the real first time. _That's when I felt the wind pick up/I grabbed the rail while choking up/These words to say and then you kissed me... _Our lips melted together. Her arms wrapped themselves around my neck loosely and I placed the hand not supporting me on her waist. My tongue peeked out and ran across her lips, asking for permission, which she granted. Letting me take the lead, I explored her mouth gently. I let all my thoughts and emotions into this kiss.

_I knew it from the start  
So my arms are open wide  
Your head is on my stomach  
And we're trying so hard not to fall asleep  
Here we are  
On this 18th floor balcony...  
We're both flying away._

_And I'll try to sleep  
To keep you in my dreams  
'til I can bring you home with me  
I'll try to sleep  
And when I do I'll keep you in my... dreams_

_I knew it from the start  
So my arms are open wide  
Your head is on my stomach  
And we're trying so hard not to fall asleep  
So here we are  
On this 18th floor balcony, yeah_

_I knew it from the start  
My arms are open wide  
Your head is on my stomach  
No, we're not going to sleep_

_Here we are  
On this 18th floor balcony... we're both..  
Flying away_

I really, really could love this girl.


	15. You Can't Save Me

**Softball11**: Wasted is by L.P.

Thanks for reading everyone. I'm glad you like my song choices and the story!! :D Here's an update!

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I woke up to the radio blaring Smells Like Teen Spirit

I woke up to the radio blaring _Smells Like Teen Spirit_. I picked up the white and purple clock on the bedside table. Uhg, it was almost midnight. I strained against the arms wrapped tightly around my waist to set it safely back on the dresser. I tried to untangle myself from the young girl that was desperately holding on to me.

"Baby, baby?" I nudged her a little bit.

"Don't go…" She mumbled.

"Baby, I'm just turning the radio off."

"Come back?" I kissed lightly on the lips before her arms fell away.

MOTHER! I didn't even bother moving my face out of the pillow. My hand reached into my back pocket, pulling out my cell.

"What the hell do you want you demon caller?" I grumbled.

"Ashley?"

"Jake?… Why the _hell_ are you calling me at…" I looked at the clock. "MIDNIGHT?" a What the hell! The radio was back on! I just wanna sleep!

"Ash, what goin' on?" Ooopps… Volume level needs some adjusting.

"Are you in bed with a girl?" Jake smirked into the phone. Yes, his smirk has a tone. I moved the phone away from my mouth.

"Go back to bed Sp- babe." She wasn't out yet.

"M'kay." Well, that was easily refreshing.

"Ash, there's this awesome party down at the docks. We're-"

"I'm not going."

"Come on Ash?"

"I don't want to go Jake!" I growled into the receiver.

"But-"

"No!" I hung up, throwing the phone to the ground and collapsing on Spencer's bed.

"What's wrong Ashey?" Spencer ran her fingers up and down my arm. I shivered and brushed her hand off.

"Nothing Spencer!" I shouted a bit. "It's, it's nothing. I just don't want to go… I'm tired."

"If you don't want to go because of me, I don't mind. The docks sound cool-"

"No, they're not." I seethed. I tried to just focus on the possessed radio that just wouldn't shut off. _Had a bad day, don't talk to me/gonna ride this out, _My back was faced towards her and when Spencer's hand touched my back I jumped so bad, I almost fell of the bed. "What the hell Spencer?" My breathing was a little irregular and I was trying to prevent the cold sweat, that was already breaking out, from become worse. Blue eyes looked at me with confusion.

"What happened to you Ash?"

_My little black heart, breaks apart,  
with your big mouth._

_And I'm sick of my sickness  
Don't touch me, you'll get this.  
I'm useless, lazy, perverted,  
and you hate me._

Stupid song…

_You can't save me,  
You can't change me,  
Well I'm waiting for my wakeup call,  
And everything, everything's my fault._

"You're too young Spencer." I mumbled and closed my eyes. The bed shook as she laughed.

"Too young? You think I'm too young? I put up with your shit and now you think I'm too young to know why you're acting bi-polar. I'm so tired of this. We haven't even been together for a day and you're already running. You- you know what, get out."

"What? Baby…"

"Get out Ashley! Come back when you trust me." She doesn't even know…

"You know what, fuck you Spencer! Fuck you! You don't even know happened to me…" I began to angrily wipe at tears. The tears came harder as the more memories poured in.

"Baby? What happened?" I didn't hear her really, my mind way somewhere else…

"You right… You're better off with out me." My shoulders slumped as I made my way to the door.

"Is that what you think? Because you're never…" getting away from me? Do you here that? No one can help you… "of me."

_Went to the doctor, and I asked her,  
to make this stop. (whoa)  
Got medication, a new addiction,  
Fucking thanks a lot._

She quickly wrapped her arms around my waist, I jerk in surprise, but she wouldn't let go… I was trapped, I can't, can't, can't, trapped, get out, trapped… "Please, please, let… let me, I'm, I'm sorry, Let, Let me gooo!" I wailed. The arms trapping me let go quickly. Franticly, I looked around. Where, where am I? I don't know how to get home? I tired to open the door. No, no, no! I cried harder. It's locked. I started clawing and pounding at it.

_I had to relapse, I'm bad at rehabs  
It ruins everything. (whoa)  
So point your finger, at the singer,  
He's in the pharmacy._

"Ashey? Baby? Ssshhh, you're safe."

_You can't save me,  
You can't change me,  
Well I'm waiting for my wake up call,  
and everything's my fault._

_You can't save me,  
You can't blame me,  
Well I'm waiting here to take a fall,  
and everything, and everything's my fault._

I dropped to the floor. Tired, so tired. My panic attack drifting away…

_And I'm a death threat haven't slept yet,  
Baby why the wake up call  
I'm the bad boy tell the tabloids  
everything's my fault._

Whoa whoa whoa yeah, write it write it,  
Whoa Whoa whoa everything's my fault,everything's my fault.

I wasn't reliving everything, but I could still see it happening, dully through my hazy vision. I could see me… in the room… and I could see ….

_I went to heaven, but couldn't get in,  
For what I have done.  
I said please take me, they said you're crazy  
you had too much fun._

_You can't save me,  
You can't change me,  
Well I'm waiting for my wake up call,  
and everything's my fault._

_You can't save me,  
You can't blame me,  
Well I'm waiting here to take a fall,  
and everything, everything's my fault._

_You can't save me,  
You can't change me,  
You can't save me,  
You can't change me,  
You can't save me,  
You can't change me,(everything's my fault)  
You can't save me,  
You can't change me,_

_Everything's my fault._

"Ashley? Ashley! Wake up! Wake up Ashley!"

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I try and update tonight. :D Song is Save Me by Unwritten Law

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	16. Trust Me, Trust You

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thanks sooo much for the reviews guys. Stay tuned because, well, things are gonna get... frigh- interesting. ; )

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"Uhhgn." My head felt like shit and ewww… I'm all sweaty. I rolled over on my… bed? Not my bed where the

"OhmygoshAshIwassoworried!" Spencer's hands caressed my face. She kissed me softly. I couldn't help but smiled at the concerned look on her face.

"Spence, Spence, babe. I'm ok." Kissing her quickly, I pried her hands off my face. She was so damn cute. Sometimes I was so tempted to just rip her clothes and … Mmmm… She's so damn hot with that little frown on her face….

"Ashley? You're looking at me funny." I chuckled and rubbed the pad of my thumb over her lip.

"Sorry." I smiled softly. "You're just so beautiful baby." She blushed and looked down at her hands, her hair falling into her eyes.

"No…I, I'm-" My lips cut her off. The kiss was gentle. Pulling back, I brushed the hair from her eyes.

"Don't be stupid Spencer. You're beautiful." A light blush tinted her cheeks then her face suddenly changed.

"Ash?"

"Yeah?"

"What _was_ that?" I heaved a sigh and sat up, rubbing the back of my head. We sat cross-legged in front of each other, our knees lightly brushing against each other.

"Spencer," I reached for her hands and held them between us, "I care about you so much and I trust you. I know that I can trust you, but there are some things you're too young too know." I brushed my thumb across her cheek. "I don't want to bring you into something you're too innocent to know. Alright?" She nodded her head. "Good." I leaned forward and kissed her. "Now, I gotta go. Kyla's probably wondering where the hell I'm at."

"What? No, Ash, you should rest some more. You look awful." I laughed.

"Thanks." Blushing she mumbled, "that not what I meant."

"Yeah, yeah. I'll just see you later." I kissed her goodbye. Smirking, I leaned in again and brushed my lips against her ear. "You look on the other hand look _edible_." I purred. Her breath hitched and I left snickering to myself.

* * *

I was lying on my bed because low and behold, Kyla wasn't home, when my phone started ringing. I flipped it open and closed my eyes.

"Hey baby. I was just thinking about you. You should come on over. I've got a surprise." She purred.

"Kirsten?"

"The one and only baby. I miss you… Come over?" I tired to not think about her _surprise_.

"I-I can't."

"Come on Ashley. It'll be worth it." She sung into the phone.

"I'm, I'm kind of seeing someone right now." I heard her laugh in the sexy tone that always made me a little more willing.

"Oh so the rumors are true. Big bad Ashley Davies is hooking up with the little schoolgirl. I bet she wears out fits and everything, baby." Uh man, that would be sooo good… Snap out of it.

"Look, we're not… sleeping together."

"What!? Ashley Davies in a _real_ relationship." I could practically hear her smirk. "I bet you _really_ need some." My mouth got dry and other… _things_ got a little wetter.

"I can't Kirsten."

"Not even a little head? Baby, it'd be sooo good. Wouldn't want to scare the poor girl when she sees that you like it rough do you? A little release now and then would be better for _both_ of you." Just say no.

"Maybe." Kirsten chuckled.

"_I'll_ see you soon _Ashley_." We hung up after that. Exhaling deeply I collapsed back on my mattress. I stared around my room, looked at the slanting ceiling where the glow-in-the-dark stars my dad put up when I was little still hung to the small window and the seat under it. Anything to keep my mind of Kirsten because honestly, I wanted to _see _her again.

* * *

"Hey Ashley!" Kyla bounced into my room. She balanced her plate of peanut butter sandwiches on one arm and the milks in the other.

"Hey Ky." Sitting on my bed, she began to thoughtfully chew on a sandwich. I grabbed one, but didn't eat it.

"Where ya been?"

"Spencer's."

"For that long! OHMYGOSH, what where you guys doing?" I finally took a bit.

"Just talking."

"Ashley, I'm 16, you can tell me." I rolled my eyes.

"I'm serious, we were just talking."

"And you're still together?" My dear sister asked in surprise.

"What's that suppose to mean?" I glared at her and her stupid milk mustache. She suddenlty got very nervous.

"Nothing, just you know… you can't just date a girl… unless your fingers are in-" Part of my sandwich fell out of my mouth as it dropped open in shock.

"KYLA!"

"I'm just saying…"

"I really care about her, ok?"

"Seriously?"

"Yeah, I… she's amazing." Kyla nodded at this.

"Good, cause I like her." I smiled at her.

"Me too."

* * *

"Ohhh mannn! AshLEYYY!!" "

Well, Kyla's home." I grumbled to myself. She came tearing around the corner and almost ran into me, franticly hand gesturing.

"Ashley, Ashley, oh man."

"What's wrong Kyla?"

"Kirsten, she… she," she panted, "she was saying running her big, obnoxious mouth and Spencer hear. Please, please, tell me it's not true."

"What?"

"That you slept with her." Oh shit.


	17. Good Things Come to Those who Wait?

"Kyla… I…"

"Kyla… I…"

"Ashley." She looked so disappointed with me. "I really wish I could look up to you." My little sister shook her head before walking up the stairs too her room. I ran a hand through my hair.

"Damn it, damn it, DAMN IT!" I kicked the island out of frustration. "Ouch!" Ok, ok, first I need to do some damage control… No first I need to _kill_ Kirsten. She ran her big, fat mouth and now Spencer… I grabbed my dark jean jacket and keys. "Kyla, I'm going out!" She didn't reply, but her music grew louder. All right, after I kill Kirsten and talk to Spencer, I need to talk to Kyla.

When I pulled into King High, I started to scan the crowd of posers, jocks, and users. And oh, there she was talking, lying most likely. Occasionally she'd smirk over in Spencer's direction and… oh shit. Spencer was storming over to her. She threw her pom-poms onto the grass and was getting closer to Kirsten's group. I quickly jumped out of my Mustang.

"Yeah, I know right?" Kirsten said to a blonde guy on her right. "I forgot how _amazing _she was in bed. Uhn, you don't even _know_ how good she is… especially once we warmed up." She smirked. Spencer was gaining ground, her fists clenched and a scowl that honestly scared me plastered on her face. "I guess that's what happens when her little _toy_ can't satisfy her." Oh no, she did not just say that! I was only half way there by the time Spencer reached the Amazing Blonde Bimbo. Shoving her hard in the chest, Kirsten actually stumbled back a few feet.

"Shut the hell up you_ whore_!"

"You stupid _bitch_!" She did just not call my baby a bitch. A small fist nailed Kirsten in the jaw. By now I had broken into a sprint. My ex, still a little wobbly, threw a punch that just caught Spencer in the cheek.

"_Do not_ touch her!" Pushing through that crowd of people that was surrounding them, I stepped between the two. Standing in front of Spencer, I clenched my fists. "Don't you dare, _don't you dare_ touch my girl!" I growled. A little voice behind me spoke up.

"I'm not your girl." All of the sudden, the fight was drained out of me. I turned around trying to keep the panic out of my voice.

"Baby,"

"I'm not your baby." She said very calmly. No, no, no, this can't be happening. I looked around franticly and caught Kirsten sneering in the corner of my eye.

"Get the fuck away from us!" I yelled at her. I think the crowd actually jumped in unison, but people finally started to walk away. I moved closer to Spencer, who stepped back. I tried to reach for her hand, but they quickly were crossed over her waist.

"Spencer, I swear, I swear that I didn't cheat on you. I swear. I haven't talked to Kirsten since a week before we met. Please, you gotta believe me Spence."

"Ashley…" She signed softly. When I stepped towards her she didn't move. I slowly untangled her arms and held her hands up towards my chest.

"Baby, I'm so, sooo sorry. I swear I wouldn't do that to you." I brought both of her hands up to my lips and kissed them lovingly. She stepped towards me and pulled me into a warm embrace.

"Why do these things keep happening to us, Ash?" She mumbled into my shoulder. I kissed her head softly.

"I don't know Spence." I held her close.

"I can't deal with this right now. Can we go somewhere?"

"Anywhere you want."

We pulled up to the beach."Wow, it's beautiful Ashley." Spencer gasped beside me. I looked over and smiled at her.

"Common, lets go." We started to get out of the car when I remember something. "Oh wait, I forgot something. Hold on. Reaching into the back of the car I pulled out a rose and something else that I slipped into my pocket. "Here. I got this for you… I picked it up on my way to beg you for mercy."

"Awww, Ashey!" Spencer said hugging me. Placing a lingering kiss on my lips, she took the flower and walked towards the beach. I smiled goofily, before running a little to catch up.

We kicked our shoes off and layed back into the sand next to each other. Spencer rolled over onto her side. "Ashley,"

"Mmmh?" I took my sunglasses of and look into her ocean blue eyes.

"I… uhm…" She blushed and started to play with the sand between us. I smiled, scrunching up my nose, at her shyness. "I, uh, I really care about you."

"I care about you too."

"Good, good, that's good… Uhm, I was… Ok, let me start again… Ashley, you know how I feel about you…" We hadn't really talked about… that night… "You know I," She blushed again, "love you and… I want you to be my first."

"Wow." I rolled over onto my back. Her smile faded.

"Ashley?"

"Wow."

"Ashley? Uhm, uh… was, was it too soon to say something? Look I'm sorry, I just… Ash, please talk to me." She begged almost crying.


	18. For Love's Sake

"Wow… that's… wow."

"Yeah, you kind of already said that." Spencer said dejectedly. "Uhm… snf, snf… I think I'm, snf, gonna, uhm, call a cab. I'll see you, uh, tomorrow or something." She turned away from me to hide the tears. As she started to stand up, I quickly pulled her back down into the sand.

"Spence, no, don't go." I ran a hand through my hair. What the hell am I suppose to say? I took a deep breath and got into a sitting position. I then looked at the miserable girl in front of me… why does it seem like I make her more sad than happy? I need to work on that. "Ok… uhm, damn." I ran my hand through my hair for the millionth time. Ok, I can do this… She's only a fragile, virgin, 15 year old girl that expects the screwed up, Don't Do Relationships Davies, to make her first time perfect… damnnnn. I finally decided that I should stop talking to myself and start talking to her. "Spencer, you're… you're amazing. You're, uhm, so full of love and, uh, stuff… I just don't know how to deal with all of that. I mean, damn it, I don't even do relationships, but believe me, you have no idea how much it means that you want me to be your first… or how much it terrifies me." Her blue eyes finally look up at me through her long eyelashes and meet mine. "A girl like you should be with some sweet, loving, put together, _virgin_ that will make your first time special."

"But you are loving and sweet and…"

"I'm not a virgin… I, I don't know how to make love to you… I can't do that. You want me to fuck you hard and leave you in the middle of the night? I can do that. You want me to have a three way with your best friend? Done it a million times. But you want, _deserve_, so much more, Spencer. Just…" I look down at my hands and quietly ask, "are you sure you want it to be with me?" A warm hand lifts my chin up.

"Only you." Smiling, I took her hand in my.

"Ok…" All of the sudden her arms were wrapped around my neck and I felt something. Just, fuck… it was so damn strong I wanted to cry…

"I love you Ashley." She whispered into my skin.

"I… I love you too Spencer." Her arms hugged me tighter

We were in my car driving past the darkening beach and for once, everything was perfect. I pushed a CD into the player and turned the volume down a bit.

_I'm ... I'm ..._

_All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go  
I'm standin' here outside your door  
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye_

_  
But the dawn is breakin', it's early morn  
The taxi's waitin', he's blowin' his horn  
Already I'm so lonesome I could die_

_So kiss me and smile for me  
Tell me that you'll wait for me  
Hold me like you'll never let me go_

I smiled over at her. "Do wanna come over to my place?" She blushed and nodded her head. A loving smile made its way across my face and I brought her hand to my lips kissing them.

"I promise I'll take care of you Spencer." She shyly smiled.

There's so many times I've let you down  
So many times I've played around  
I'll tell you now, they don't mean a thing

Every place I go, I think of you  
Every song I sing, I sing for you  
When I come back I'll wear your wedding ring

So kiss me and smile for me  
Tell me that you'll wait for me  
Hold me like you'll never let me go

We sat in the car, even after I had pulled it into the driveway. I realized that she had never been to my house. It was kind of big I guess, not like my dad's mansion, but still nice and a bit modern on the outside, older inside.

Taking a deep breath, I got out and waited for Spencer to do the same. Once, she got out, we started walking towards the front door. I couldn't just… rush this. We were trying to force something… I don't even know if she means now or… or later. Uhg! What if she thinks I just want to fuck her or I'll leave and that's why she says she wants this?!

A smooth hand, slightly smaller than mine and a little shaky, took hold of my hand. And I knew that this was right and she was terrified. I opened the door and let her in first. Pulling her hips towards me I kissed her and moved back, searching for something in her eyes. A cute little, slightly nervous, smile danced on her lips and I kissed her once again.

"Wait her Spence. I'll be back in a second."

"Ok…"

"Promise." I said before kissing her again.

I stood back and admired my room. I mean, I only took five minutes. There were a few candles around the room that smelled like rosemary and uh, roses. The bed had the "good sheets", black comforter and red silk sheets. I had also ran into Kyla's room (thanks for being friends with people who enjoy your company Ky) and stole- borrowed some flowers (roses) that she got from some play and sprinkled their red, white, and yellow petals on the bed and around it while placing the rest on the dresser and in a vase. I'm good, I know. Now, to find her down stairs.

"Hey Spence." I had taken my hair out of the pony in was in and now, it's fell against my skin in curly waves.

"Uhm, uh, h-hey?" Smirking I walked towards her and wrapped my arms around her waist. I forgot to mention that I took five more minutes to change into a black lace bra that make my chest look _amazing_ and a thong to match, but I wanted that to be a surprise so I pulled a tight black wife beater (that _almost_ covered my abs) and lacy, red, girly shorts on over them. Hehe.

I pulled her body closer to mine and started kissing her neck; this is when I realized how nervous she was. She was practically shaking in my arms, my poor girl. "Spencer, are you ok? We don't have to do anything. We can-"

"I want to," she snuck a quick glance at my body, "really, I do… it's just that… I've…"

"I know."

"But not with anyone. I've only dated two boys and… I never got really far with them and-" I cut her rambling off with a little kiss.

"I know baby, I know." I cooed, running my hand through her soft hair. "I'll take care of you. Just trust me." Hugging me, she whispered against my skin, "I trust you."

A small gasp escaped from Spencer's mouth when I opened my bedroom door. "Ash, it's beautiful." I kissed the back of her head before turning around to close the door. I moved so I was in front of her. My hands ran up and down her perfect curves. Dipping my head down, I captured her lips with mine. The kiss was slow and passionate. I freed her hair and it fell down, framing her face with soft curls. My hand slipped off her waist and to the remote on the dresser.

_If I could change the currents of our lives  
To make the river flow where it's run dry  
_

I caressed her soft check lovingly before taking her hand and leading her over to the bed. Gently, I sat her down. "Move back to the pillows, baby."

To be a prodigal of father time  
Then I would see you tonight

If I could find the years that went away  
Destroying all the cruelty of fate  
I must believe that love could find a way  
Tonight

Her back rested against the blacks and reds of the pillows and I couldn't help but realize how she looked even more like an angel. My angel. Getting on my hands and knees, I crawl slowly towards her like I was stalking my prey. When I was fully on top of her, I smiled through the curtain of hair that fell around me as I leaned down towards her. Spencer tangled a hand in my hair and one rested on my cheek as we met. She tasted like strawberries and sugar. Our lips moved against each other firmly. My tongue slipped out and ran across her lip. Opening her mouth, I slide mine in. We both moan softly when they meet and I spend time just memorizing her mouth and curves as we kiss. I slowly, so I don't scare her, trail my hands down towards the hem of her tank top. Carefully, I slip them under and gently rub her skin. I hold back a moan as I trace pattern on her smooth stomach. She groans when I break the kiss, but soon is content as I began to kiss her jaw line all the way to her neck. She whimpers as I gently bite down on her exposed shoulder.

Then hope could make these promises come true

"Mine." I whisper before nibbling on her ear lope. She started to wiggle underneath me, trying to get contact. My hands gently pushed the bottom of her skirt up and I started to lick and suck on her pulse point.

Beyond what I could say, what love can do  
With every moment leading me to you tonight

"Ashley…" I applied pressure to her heat center with my knee. Her body rose to ride it. "Please…"

"Not yet baby." A little whimper escaped her mouth. Her eyes where shut and she was massaging my head with her hands. I ran my lips across her ear. "Can I take it off?" She nodded slightly. I kissed her reassuringly before I moved lower and began to pull her pink tank top off. Reversing our passions, I leaned against the pillows as Spencer sat on her knees. Wrapping my arms around her little waist, I planted warm kisses across the heated flesh of her stomach. I licked around her belly button, eliciting a little giggle from the girl in front of me. Taking my time, I raised the shirt up to her chest before leaning down a little to kiss the skin above her skirt. Blue eyes gave me consent and I gently pulled them off and down her legs. Then I moved up to her shirt and pulled it over her head. Spencer placed her hands on my shoulders as I took in the sight of her French blue bra and panties, both accented with white lace and a little bow. I lightly rubbed the pads of my thumbs over the skin of her waist before bringing her closer to me so I could kiss her stomach.

"I bought it for you, you know, if we ever…" She whispered.

"I love it." I breathed against her warm skin. Planting kisses up to her chest, she threw her head back and held my head close. My hands gently squeezed her ass.

"Ashey…." I squeezed it again, kissing her chest. Running my hands up and down her back, Spencer's hands brought my head up, crashing our lips together. Turning us around, I laid her against the pillows. My hands traveled up to the front of her bra. I squeezed her breast through the material. "Ash, please…" Her hips bucked against my thigh as she rode it higher. Slipping my hands to her back, I unclasped the garment and brushed the straps off her shoulder.

Lonely finds me  
One day you will come  
But I'll wait for love's sake  
One day to me, love

I will stay forever here to wait for your love

"You're so beautiful, Spencer." I said before taking a stiff nipple in between my lips. I raked my teeth over it softly so I wouldn't hurt her.

Spencer was panting harder now and I knew that she couldn't take much more teasing, so I softly began to pull her panties off her frame. I looked into her dark, sapphire eyes too make sure she was ok with this before slipping them all the way off. Her lips pulled me into a heated kiss.

Lonely finds me  
One day you will come  
But I'll wait for love's sake  
One day to me, love

"Ashley!" She moaned as I ran a slim finger through her slick folds.

If I could see beyond the here and now  
If you could hear me calling you somehow  
If I could know that love is reaching out  
To find you with me tonight

"I love you Spencer." I whispered before slipping a finger into her. Blue eyes clench shut. "Shhh, relax your muscles, Spence. Shhh, I've got you baby." I hummed in her ear before gently pulling out and pushing back into her. Soon I was met with almost no resistance and I caustiosly added a second finger.

If I could change the currents of our lives  
To make the river flow where it's run dry  
To be a prodigal of father time  
Then I would see you tonight

"ASHLEY! Oh, uhn… so good… so, uhn!" Our tongues dulled in a firey kiss as I brought her closer to the edge. Breaking it, I moved down to pay attention to her hard nipples. I switched between the right and left with my free hand and mouth, lavishing them with bites and kisses. "So… closeee!" She moaned as my thumb brushed over her clit.

"You feel so good, Spencer."

"Ashley, uhnnn…" I picked up the past, her hips jumping to meet me and kissed her sweat glistening body. She was soo beautiful. Her hair was a little damp, her breast were perfect, fitting just right in my hand as they bounced up and down from her shaking form. I knew she was almost there, she was so tight around my fingers.

Lonely finds me  
One day you will come  
But I'll wait for love's sake  
One day to me, love

"Let go."

"Ash, Ash, Ash…"

"Come for me, baby. I'll catch you, just let go…" Curling my fingers in the right spot, she exploded.

"ASHLEEYYYY!" I helped her to ride out the waves of her orgasm, placing butterfly kisses all over her body. She shook a little and I gathered her into my arms, wrapping the covers around us. I presses a firm, loving kiss to her lips.

"Good night, baby."

Lonely finds me  
One day you will come  
But I'll wait for love's sake  
One day to me, love  
One day to me, love  
One day to me, love

I will stay forever here to wait for your love


	19. The Morning Her Heart Changed

Spencer's Pov

**Spencer's Pov**

I rolled over onto my side. HOLY SHIT! That's someone's arm… oh my gosh… Ashley's arm… is under… me?! I felt a body roll closer to me and another tan arm wrap around my waist. Wow. Lot to take in. And that's when it hit me. I lost my virginity to the most beautiful girl with a lip ring.

"Hey babe." She pulled me closer to her. HOLY SHIT! (gotta stop screaming that) she's only in a bra!!… If this is a dream, I'm sleeping forever. Ashley placed a longing kiss on my neck. I could feel her rise slightly as she pulled her arm from under me. Brushing my hair behind my ear she asked a little nervously, "are you ok with everything that happened last night?" I rolled over onto my back and smiled up at her concerned eyes.

"It was… wow…." I was having trouble forming words to describe how amazing it was, how amazing _she _was.

"That's good right? Cause I'm getting close to freaking out." She said nervously.

"Very good. So good I wish we could do it all over again." I said cheerfully to reassure her. Ashley raised an eyebrow. "I mean, um… that I'm ok with the whole… not that… yeah…" She kissed my forehead and leaned down, her lips brushing against my ear.

"Trust me, I'm _very_ ok with it happening again."

"Uhm, uh, ok." I squeaked. Then I followed her eyes down my body. Ah! Clothes, not there. I quickly scrambled to gather the sheets and the comforter that was only half way on the bed and pulled them up to my neck. Ashley laughed a little before trying to lower them.

"Come on, Spence!" She chuckled. "Baby, I've seen all of you before." I tugged the sheets closer to my neck.

"Ashley!" I whined.

"Baby," she cooed, pushing my hair back, "you're beautiful. Here," she began to take the comforter off until only the thin, silky sheet covered me, "we'll start slow. Come on, lower it just a little." Shyly, I moved the sheet until it past my collarbone. "See, that wasn't horrifying." I blushed, embarrassed that I caused a scene, but she just leaned over and kissed the newly uncovered flesh, "so beautiful".

Ashley laid on her side next to me, head resting on one arm and I finally started to relax again. Her hand gently traced patterns on my stomach, almost lulling me too sleep.

"Ashey?"

"Hm?"

"Was I, uhm, ok?" I asked causing a blush to break out over my cheeks.

"Perfect, Spence."

"But you didn't-" Kissing me firmly on the lips, she cut off the rest of my sentence. Pulling back, she turned towards me and I looked up at her, anxiously.

"Spencer, last night was about you and it was the most amazing night of my life." I smiled up at the most amazing girl with a lip ring.

"I just, didn't get to do anything for you… not even a little. M'sorry." I frowned. She laughed a softly.

"Spence, babe, I swear, last night was the best night of my life." Ashley's smile turned into a devilish grin. "But if you want, I can go steal some more of Kyla's flowers and you can grope me under my bra." I blushed furiously and replied, "Maybe when I'm not so sore." Her demeanor completely changed. "Oh gosh, baby did I hurt you? You should have said something." She started to run her hands over my arms and face like she could detect something wrong. Giggling, I took her hands to my lips and kissed both of them. "Ash, calm down. It's a good sore. You didn't hurt me. You were so gentle and loving. You were perfect." Flopping down on the bed Ashley signed dramatically.

"Why is the girl that just lost her virginity comforting me?" I laughed and rolled on top of her, lying my head on her chest.

"Because the girl that she loves really isn't as stone cold as she pretends to be." Ashley kissed my head and breathed into my hair, "Maybe she's found a reason to change."


	20. Have All Of Me

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Thanks **wizdmgoddess ()**, I really apperciate the comment!! You guys all rock!

* * *

**Ashley's Pov**

My eyes blinked open to a soft light filtering through the curtain. I turned my head to the right and focused my tired eyes on the alarm clock. 6:30… well, I'm up now… super. I lightly rubbed my hands up and down Spencer's bear back, the sheet resting lightly at the little dip on her lower back. I tried to slide out from under her. Inch, by inch, I was finally free. I threw on a dark green tank top and shorts then pulled my hair up into a messy pony. Looking over to check on Spencer, I noticed that she had rolled over and I couldn't help it; my eyes racked over her peaceful face, down to her chest (where I may have lingered for a bit longer) and to her abs where the silk sheet wrapped around her. Beautiful. I leaned over her sleeping from and pressed a kiss to her forehead. Smiling softly, I pulled the sheet up to her delicate collarbone. We'll start slow.

* * *

I started to pour my coffee when I heard the front door open.

"OOHH! Pour me some!" Rolling my eyes, I grabbed another cup for Kyla.

"Keep your voice down." I scolded while pouring her some coffee.

"Why? Not like Christine's here."

"Spencer is." It took a while before she comprehended what I had said.

"OHMYGOSH! IN YOUR BED?? YOU-"

"_Kyla!_" I growled.

"Sorry." We walked over to sit at the bar. "So…" I took a sip of my coffee. "You're not going to break-up with her right?"

"What the hell Kyla! Of course I'm not going to break-up with her…" I looked at my hands shyly. "I… I love her." I cringed at the high-pitched squeal and braced myself and Kyla ran around the counter to hung me.

"Oh my gosh, oh my gosh! I-I knew it, ya know? I just did and… AHHH!! This is sooo great she's so good for you and-"

"SHH!" Meekly looking down she whispered sorry and took a sip of her coffee.

"Ok, the thing is that this is a big deal for Spencer so can you…" Jumping up suddenly, she saluted me and grinned, "I'm outta here!"

The door slammed shut and I smiled lightly when I heard a muffled "sorry". Pulling a red cup from the cupboard, I poured some coffee into it for Spencer. My ears perked up a little as I heard feet padding around upstairs and I grinned widely. Mmm, the perfect morning after. Just as I turned around, I saw my beautiful blonde descend the stairs in a blue tee shirt and pink shorts. Uh, she looked older.

Spencer bit her lip shyly as I handed her her coffee. She brought the red mug up to her lips, with both hands, and took a sip, her eyes sparkling. I walked over to her and kissed the top of her head before sitting down on the stool where Kyla and I had been talking. I smirked and looked over at my girl. "Sleep well?" Walking over to me, Spencer wrapped her arms loosely around my neck and smiled, "perfectly," before leaning in for a kiss.

"After glow looks good on you… so do my clothes." A light blushed appeared on her cheeks.

"I didn't think you would mind… I didn't want to just walk down her naked."

"I would have preferred that you did." I teased. "But I like you wearing my clothes too." Our lips meet again for a quick kiss. "So you are ok, right? We're good."

"You already got into my pants, Ashley, why the sensitivity all of a sudden?" She laughed.

"Maybe I wanna get lucky again." I smirked and squeezed her ass lightly.

"Ashley Davies!" I stood up, leaving her grinning at my antics. Heh, she thinks I'm kidding.Rinsing my cup, I place it in the sink and turn around, leaning on my arm against the counter.

"Babe, I'm gonna have to leave at about one, how long can you stay." She pouted cutely.

"One? But I wanted to spend the whole day with you."

"Tell my P.O. I don't think I can get out of community service to hang out with my girlfriend." A seductive smiled spread across Spencer's face.

"What if you were all tied up?" This time I yelled her name in surprise.

"Spencer Carlin! Hasn't your mother taught you better?" She giggled and shook her head. "Well, then… lucky me!" She slapped me lightly on the shoulder before snuggling into my embrace.

"I have to go to Saturday school."

"Mm?"

"Skipped. 'Member."

"Hell yeah. I keep reply it in my head."

"Ashley." She groans.

"What?"

"You're such a guy."

"No, I'm way better in bed."

"Mmm uhm." She mumbled her agreement into my shirt.

"I love you Spence."

"I love you Ashey." I hugged her tighter.

"I need you Spencer." She looked up at me confused. "You, you make my life good… I need you… don't leave me?" Her brows furrowed.

"Ash? Baby, I'm never gonna leave you. I need you, ok?" She leaned up and kissed me. "Ok, baby?"

"Good."

"Now let's make out before you have to go do your time!" I giggled and started to pull her towards the couch.

* * *

"Ashley, what the hell happened?!" Spencer yelled at me as I shuffled into my house. It was already nine and I was two and a half hours late for our movie date.

"At least you knew where the key was so you didn't have to stand in the rain." I tried. She crossed her arms and gave me a pissed off look.

"What the hell happened to you?! I've been really worried and now you come home looking like you got into a rumble with Hogan." I rubbed the back of my neck.

"Uhm yeah, I got into a little fight."

"You got into a fight! A fight! Ashley, I thought you were dead! You couldn't even answer your cell phone?" I tried to reach for her hands but she pulled away and continued to pace around the kitchen.

"We can still have our movie night?" She gave me an astounded look.

"I don't care about the damn movie, Ashley! Do you even know how worried I was?" My head dropped.

"I didn't mean to scare you, Spence." I felt her arms warped around my waist.

"I was so scared, Ash."

"I'm sorry."

"Do that again and I'm gonna kill you." She mumbled into my chest.

"If this happens again, you might not have to babe." I chuckled.

"What did happen?"

"Well… I was doing my community service, like a sweet angel I might add," Spencer snorted, "when some bitch from your school came up to me and…"


	21. Won't Last Forever

"….well, let's just say you might not have to come out, _causssse _Alex Morgan has a _really_ big mouth." I said nonchalantly. I looked up to see Spencer, who was getting a damp paper towel, freeze for a second. "See, now you don't have to worry about coming out. It'll be so much easier for us!" I said excitedly.

"Good for use?" She choked out. "How is this good for _me_, Ashley? My…my mom… if my mom finds out – She'll hate me! Ashley… I can't have her hate me! I can't. I can't… this…" I felt like everything was in slow motion, my falling smile, Spencer's frantic movements, her falling tears. I didn't know what to say… I thought that… "I can't be here with you… I can't be…" her voice dropped in realization, "with you…" Suddenly everything was moving too fast.

"Wait what? I- Spencer?" I choked out. She was thrusting the cold towel into my hands and grabbing her purse off of the counter. I just stood there, broken and confused, water dripping onto my Chucks. She slowed down and stood in front of me with stormy eyes. I just stood there, trying not to panic… Spencer won't really leave.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. Spencer won't leave me… she promised… she won't… Biting back tears, she leaned in a pressed a kiss against my bruised lips.

I stood there looking blankly at the wall as she started to cry, as she closed the door, walked into the rain… and started to run home.

"_Spencer_." I whimpered. My back slid across the counter. I couldn't stop the sobs the racked my body… She won't be coming back…

When I got up, it was pitch black; the clock on the microwave read 12:07. I picked my body off of the floor and crawled blindly up the stairs. Peeking into Kyla's room, I saw she was sound a sleep and walked to mine. I pulled the pink sticky note off my door and threw my clothes on the floor, not bothering to turn the lights on as I collapsed on my bed.

I fell asleep for what only felt like 5 minutes but was more like and hour. I felt dead, but I couldn't stop thinking about her. I tried to smell her shampoo on my pillow from almost weeks ago. I tried to take some Ibuprofen to stop the head ach that was tearing through my skull. When that didn't work, I turned to what always did. I didn't want to feel anymore… I wanted to stop loving her… I wanted to die… again.

I smiled as I sunk back into the nice, happy warm bed. I giggled at the pretty patterns danced across the ceiling.

"Go to sleep Ashley."

"Not tired." I said.

"Yes you are. Go to sleep. Yes, that's better. Good girl Ashley." I curled up in the fluffy blankets and fell back asleep.


	22. Sick Hearts

Thanks everyone! The reviews are completely apperciated. Sorry I haven't really updated, I've been busy lately. I'd like to thank you all and too thank **Nikki** for not shooting me a few chapters ago... that would suck, so thanks. :)

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"OPIUM, Ashley? OPIUM!!" Uhhhhh, my head. I rolled over onto my side to see a very pissed of Kyla waving the drug around.

"You got some on the carpet." I groaned.

"Well then you can just SNORT it up!" She shrieked.

"You don't snort it."

"THAT'S NOT THE POINT! What the _hell_ happened!?" I was finally losing it with Kyla. My head hurt, I felt sick and my baby left me. I couldn't take her damn inquisitions.

"Fuck off, Kyla." I grumbled before rolling over. She started tugging on the duvet, thoroughly pissing me off. I yanked it hard, causing her to fall forward onto my bed. "I said, FUCK OFF, KYLA!" Slowly, her weight lifted from the bed. Kyla's feet padded their way towards the door.

"You don't deserve her. You just fuck everything up, _Ashley_." When the door slammed shut I, couldn't help the tears that streamed from my red eyes.

"I know." I whispered to no one in particular. "I know…"

-**SPENCER'S POV**-

I think I had been lying in bed for a day now; I'm not sure though. I told my parent's that I caught the stomach flu when they saw me throwing up… I couldn't believe I left her. She was my first- she was suppose to be my last. I _wanted_ her to be my last. I wasn't even 16 and I already hated my parents. I hated that my mom would hate me- Ashley… I hated that she'd hate Ashley, that she'd stop loving me for loving Ashley. I needed her… but I can't have my mom hate me… if she found out…

I ran to the bathroom. The overwhelming feeling of both of them hating me hit me hard.

"Spencer, I think we should take you to see a doctor." I wiped the tears from my eyes and flushed the toilet.

"No mom, it's been going around school. I'm, I'm fine." She gave me a worried look.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah… I must have caught if from-"

"That _faggot_ most likely. Seriously mom, it's sooo gross. She probably infected Spencer when she went over there." I shot Glen a glare as he walked towards his room.

"What girl?"

"This total dyke mom. Seriously, she just runs through girls. It's disgusting!"

"Maybe we should get Spencer checked out. No clue what _else_ that girl might be caring." My mother said as if I wasn't there. She didn't know she was talking about _my _girl.

"Mom!" I squeaked. "It's just the flu." Getting to my feet, I gathered my balance and swayed back to my room. "Her name's, Ashley." I whispered to no one really.

I curled back up in my bed and began to cry.

She'll never forgive me.

-**ASHLEY'S POV**-

I'm not sure how many lines I've had, all I know is that oxy is my bestest friend!

I reclined back onto my bed, throwing my pillow to the floor. My eyes fluttered shut in a matter of seconds.

"Ashley?" I rolled around before registering the voice.

"SPENCER! Baby, I knew you'd come back!" I exclaimed. "See, you came back. I knew it. They didn't believe me, but you did!" She smiled and sat on the bed with me.

"Of course I came back. I missed you. I love so much Ashley. My mom's ok with it, don't worry. I talked to her today. We can be together!!" Her smile grew as she brushed the hair from my face. "Go back to bed, Ashley. You need your rest. I'll stay here with you."

"Promise?"

"Of course my love." I grinned before picking my pillow off of the carpet and lying back down. "Go to sleep. I'll be here when you wake up." Shutting my eyes, I fell asleep with a smile on my face. Spencer was back. She _does_ love me. I told you!

* * *

The cool air of my opened window woke me. It was growing dark outside. I fell asleep longer than I thought I would. Wait, Spencer! She came back. I looked around the room franticly for her. My smile fell when I realized she wasn't here. Thinking it was a dream I looked down at my pillow, the one I picked up off the floor when she came back. Where was she? She told me she'd be back. Why did my girl lie to me? I was still looking around my room in confusion when the door started to open. My heartbeat picked up.

"Ashley?" Only to fall when I realized it was just Kyla. Slowly inching her way into the room she came in timidly trying to smile. "Are you… feeling better?" I shook my head.

"No, where's Spencer?" Kyla gave me a frightened look.

"No one was here, Ashley?"

"What?" Kyla had to be wrong. "But the pillow?"

"No one was here." She repeated. My scared eyes scanned her face for any sign off lying.

"But I swear… she came back. I woke up. We talked! I-I picked up the pillow from the floor, see," I held it up for proof. "I didn't dream it."

"Spencer was never here, Ashley… who were you talking too?"


	23. When They Break, Can They Mend?

Thanks for the reviews. I really hope you like this chapter. I worked hard on it, so please, pllleeeasssee review! :)

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-SPENCER'S POV-

I stepped out of the shower groggily. I decided to take one after three days- mom said I smelled. Like I cared. I threw the towel over the back of my chair and pulled on a pink tank top and gray sweats. I rubbed my red eyes and looked in the mirror. Bags had formed under my eyes, I had lost a lot of weight in the last few days, and my hair was dull. I look like hell… I couldn't do this. I needed to move on. There couldn't be a me and Ashley… I had to move on. I was exhausted. I was tired of crying and I was trying not to right now. I can't do this.

My back hit the mattress. I looked at the alarm clock, 1:25 a.m. and closed my eyes as tears escaped and rolled down my cheeks.

……………………………………………………………………………………………

"Hello?" I groaned into the phone.

"Spencer?" Kyla's distraught voice woke me up immediately. "Look, I- I don't know what happened with you and Ashley, but… Spencer, please, she needs you, _please_? I don't know what's wrong… she- she keeps talking. No ones there Spencer! She won't talk to me though. The drugs, _the drugs_! I- I don't know what to do…help, please Spencer. Whatever she's doing- " I barely caught anything she said; she was speaking too fast.

"Look… I can't…"

"-it's killing her…" I heard that though.

"I'll be right over." I whispered.

"Thank you."

……………………………………………………………………………………..

I ran into Glen's room in a panic. Jumping on his bed I began to shake him franticly.

"I need a ride! Come on, Glen!" He rolled around, trying to push me off.

"Speennncerrr." He whined as he rolled onto his side. "What the hell, Spence?! It's like 2 in the morning!"

"Glen, _please_." I begged as the tears started to fall from my eyes. He suddenly sat up, rubbing my arms.

"Whoa, what's wrong, Spencer?"

"I need a ride to Ashley's." Glen gave me a quizzical look, suddenly looking a lot smarter then he normally is.

"What's up with you and Ashley?" He asked cautiously. I sniffled a little and pleaded with my eyes for him to drop it. Pulling me into a hug, he kissed the top of my head. "Ok, let's go." I hugged him tighter before pulling back.

"Thank you." I smiled weakly.

"You know Spence, whatever's going on between the two of you, I'm ok with it." My breath caught in my throat.

"Really?"

"Well, no…"He ran a hand through his messy blonde mop of hair, "but I can try." He gave me a lop-sided grin. "Ughf!" I threw myself into his arms once more before grabbing his hand and pulling him down the stairs.

………………………………………………………………………………………….

"Are you sure that you don't want me to stay here? I may be ok with you, but I'm not with _her_." His hands flexed on the wheel.

"_Glen_." Rolling his eyes he apologized, "I'm trying, 'kay?"

"Thank you." We were silent as I tried to get my breathing to normal. I had to choose right now- being with Ashley and all her problems or having my mother's and everyone else's exceptance…

"Do- Do you love her?" I smiled, the answer so much easier now.

"Yeah." I stepped out of the car and taking a deep breath, began to walk towards the dark house. My feet made a small tapping sound as I walked up the driveway. I can do this. I can help Ashley, come out and be ok.

My knuckles rapped lightly on the door. Kyla threw it open and pulled me into a hug.

"Thanks for coming." I said greatfully.

"Is she that bad?" I wondered, a little bit on the borderline of terrified. Kyla bit her lip and whispered quietly, "she's in her room." I began to walk towards the stairs when a hand on my shoulder stopped me. "She's not the Ashley you're use to seeing."

"Moody?" I said humorlessly, trying to lighten the ominous feeling.

"No… half dead."

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

I pushed the door the rest of the way open. It was really dark, but my eyes were adjusting slowly. I creped my way in, closing the door behind me. I saw her form, under the dark covers, curled up and facing away from me.

"Ashley?" I asked softly. She jumped a little. I moved closer. "Ash? It's me." She began to shake. Making my way to her bed I sat down and reached out for her. She whined when I laid my hand on her shoulder. "Baby, it's me."

"Nooo." She whimpered.

"No, baby, it really is me, Spencer."

"Kyla said you weren't here." She cried out quietly. I brushed the hair that had matted down and stuck to her face.

"I am now. Come on, Ashey, get up."

"Nooo. You're not here! They told me you wouldn't be back! They're just trying to trick me again!" She started shaking harder, covering her ears with her pale hands.

"Ash," I tried to pry her hands off of her ears, growing worried with her loss of grip on reality.

"No, I don't want to listen. Spencer doesn't love me, she's not herrree!" She wailed.

"Ashley!" I pulled her hands down to her side and straddled her. "Listen to me! I'm here. Ok! I'm here!" I brought my head down towards her, bringing out lips together. Barely pulling back, I whispered against cold lips. "I'm here, love." I crashed our lips together. "I do love you." She tried to wiggle from under me.

"Noo!" She cried out. "Spencer!"

"I'm right here baby." I kissed her again.

"Spencer!" She tried to throw me off but I just kissed her harder, holding our hands above her head. "Sssppennccerr!" She cried out franticly.

"Look at me Ashley!" I held both of her hands with my right and caressed her face with my left. "Look at me Ash." I commanded softly. Her frantic eyes were clouded over. Slowly, I moved my right hand down, releasing her hands. I brought both of my hands to her face, rubbing the pads off my thumbs across her flushed skin. She stopped crying, just whimpering and shaking slightly.

"Spencer?" She asked timidly.

"Yeah, baby." I smiled softly. Ashley began to cry uncontrollably before launching herself into my arms. She sobbed into my neck as I held her closely. "Sshhh, sssh. It's ok Ashley. I'm here."

…………………………………………………………………………………………….

We laid like this, my arms wrapped around her smaller form. The covers were wrapped around us, but it provided little comfort. Ashley's face was pressed into my chest, whimpering occasionally. I rubbed her back and placed small kisses to her head.

"I love you, Ash. Don't scare me like that again." I whispered into her hair.

"I'm sorry." I could feel fresh tears dampening my shirt.

"Ssh, ssh. No more crying baby. You need sleep."

"Tell me again, please?" I stopped rubbing her back and looked down at her.

"Tell you what honey?" Her eyes looked so lost.

"Tell me again." I heard the desperation in her voice and understood.

"I love you so much, Ashley. You have no idea." I whispered lovingly. She snuggled deeper into my chest causing me to smile.

"He was wrong." I heard her mumble with relief before her breathing evened out.

"Who was wrong baby?" I asked with confusion, but Ashley was already asleep.


	24. Slowing Fixing Broken Hearts

I woke up to light taps on Ashley's window. It was drizzling against the widows, making strange shadows on the gray floor. I shifted a little, trying to see the clock. It was six in the morning, but I couldn't sleep. The beautiful, broken girl in my arms kept murmuring and whimpering in her sleep.

"Ashley?" She curled up closer to me. "Wake up honey." Ashley whimpered and clung tightly to my shirt. My arms rubbed up and down her back trying to sooth her. I kissed her ear and whispered, "baby, come on. Wake up." I felt her muscles tense ever so slightly as she woke up.

"Spencer?" Sleepy brown eyes looked up at me still a little disoriented. "You're still here?" I brushed the locks of curls from her face.

"Yeah… you needed me…"

"I do need you, Spence. You know that right?" My face crinkled up in confusion.

"I need you too Ash." I smiled at the relief that rushed over her face. "I love you Ashley. I've… I've never loved anyone like I loved you…" My smile fell as I say the pained look cross Ashley's face before she buried it in my neck. "Ash? Ashley what's wrong? Don't… don't you love me?" I chocked out. Her head snapped up at the sound of my crying. Soon she was sitting up, almost in my lap.

"Spence, stop that, baby." She whipped the tears in my eyes and gave me a weak smile. "Aw, babe, don't cry anymore. You do that too much."

"Because of you." I whimpered without thinking. My head snapped up just in time to see the flash of hurt cross her face. I reached out, but she pulled back. "Ash, I wasn't thinking."

"You-you're right, Spence." She looked down at her hands. "I just hurt keep hurting you." It was killing me to see Ashley like this- weak, hurt, lost. She needed to know that I'd always love her. I don't think was us to that. Leaning in I connected our lips. It was innocent, simple, and perfect. I pulled away and smiled.

"You're worth a little heart-ache… you're my everything." A real smile finally spread across her face making her nose crinkle. She wrapped a hand around the back of my head, pulling me to crash our lips together. I smiled into the kiss as I cradled her jaw in my hand.

"I do love you, 'kay? It's just something I'm getting us to. I grinned and kissed her again. Wrapping our arms around each other we fell back against the backboard. "I love you so much, baby." We stayed cuddling for a bit longer before I spoke.

"Ash? What's been going on with you?" I felt her stiffen in my grip and pull back.

"_Spence_." Her voice warned me. That's when I snapped.

"Don't use that tone with me Ashley!"

"It's not your problem." She growled.

"Bullshit, Ashley! What hurts you hurts me." Brown eyes darkened in anger. "Don't argue with me. Damn it. You talk to me or I leave." I crossed my arms daring her to challenge me.

"Uhh." She sighed, giving in. "You're gonna hate me, Spence." Her voice was quieter now and she sounded a little scared.

"I could never hate you, Ashley." I said honestly. Hugging a throw pillow to her chest, she leaned back against her pillow.

"I don't really remember anything after you left. I- I was so fucking high, Spencer." Even though I guessed, I was still shocked and angry… and hurt. "I took oxy, opium, angel's dusk… I don't even know…" Her eyes closed and she let out a tired sigh.

"What the _fuck_, Ashley?!" I growled. Brown eye's opened in shock, never hearing me cuss like that. "Are you still high?!"

"No, no… I was hurt and-" She tried to touch me, but I pulled back.

"I don't care if you were _fucking hurt_. If you ever do that again… We… I'll leave you." My voice broke with the tears and truths. Ashley's arms grabbed my shoulders and pulled me to a bone-crushing hug.

"Never again. I promise." She said petting my hair soothingly. "I'll never do it again."

"Good."

"I don't want to lose you."

"I know." I whispered into her shoulder. "I don't want to lose you either…"

……………………………………………………………………………………………

We were lying in her bed. Kyla had finally made an appearance and Ashley promised that they'd talk. I knew that _we_ should be talking, but I think we both wanted to savor this before things got crazy again. So now we were lounging in Ashley's pajamas on her bed. She insisted that she take a shower and I could still smell her vanilla and cinnamon body wash. My gorgeous girl was flipping through a magazine as I laid across her legs, my head in her lap. I traced little patterns on her thigh. My heart dropped all of a sudden when I realized that when we did talk, things were gonna change. I wanted to have one more perfect moment before things fell apart.

My lips brushed against Ashley's toned thigh. I pressed another kiss and then another against her smooth skin. I heard her put the magazine down as I rose up on my knees.

"Spence?" I pressed my lips against her's. Her hands rested on my waist rubbing light circles with her thumbs. A beautiful smile shinned across her face. I cupped that gorgeous face with my hands and leaned in for another sweet kiss. When I pulled away, Ashley's eyes were still close.

"Make love to me?" I whispered. She smiled softly and brought me in again.


	25. Redescovering

"Make love to me

"_Make love to me?" I whispered. She smiled softly and brought me in again._

Our lips connected in a slow passionate kiss. I could feel her grinning as she wrapped her arms around me waste and rolled us over so she was on top. We pulled apart, breathing a little heavier. I pouted.

"I wanna be on top." Ashley laughed a little before locking our hands above my head.

"But I want to see you writhering under me, baby." She husked before tugging on my lower pouting lip with her perfect white teeth. Ok, she can be on top. Her tongue racked across my lips and I quickly granted entrance. We began to explore each other's mouth when she brought her hands down, running them along my arms and sides. Slowly they crept back up my stomach towards my chest… I wasn't wearing a bra.

"Uhn, Spencer. That's so hot baby." She moaned in my ear, lightly nipping at the lobe. Her hands massaged my breast, making my already hard nipple rock solid. Kissing down my neck she bit down on my right nipple through the shirt.

"Uh! Ashley…" This was new and it felt good, _really _good.

My breath hitched a little as she started to pull the top up, kissing the newly visible skin.

"A-ash," I panted.

"Mmmh?"

"Th-the shades… Ohhh… close them…" I began to get a little nervous. I mean, we've made love before, but in the dark… where she couldn't see me and "uhnnn…" Her hands lightly scrapped down my body, massaging my thighs and then running up my tummy. My shirt was quickly discarded and I suddenly felt really bare. My arms came up to cover my chest and I blushed at the hungry look Ashley was giving me.

"Baby, move you arms."

"But- th-the light and-"

"Baby," Ashley says a little more forcefully, "move your arms and let me see you." Slowly I uncover myself and wait for her reaction. "Mmm, you're so beautiful, Spencer." The blush in my cheeks burns hotter, but uhm… Ashley's not really looking there. Instead, she parts her too rosy lips and encases a nipple in her warm mouth.

"Ashley!" I groan. Her hands moved smoothly across my back to her auburn locks of hair. I push her closer. Her fingers, teased and pulled at the other hard nipple making me moan and pant. "Please…" I groaned as she nibbled on the other.

"Shh, baby, I'm not done with you yet." She purred suggestively, but she did move her thigh in between my legs. I moan, thankfully and began to thrust myself on her toned thigh. Teeth and lips trailed down stomach. I giggled a little when she ran her tongue ring around my navel. Her hands continued to massage and tease my breast as her mouth traveled lower. Placing a kiss above my shorts, Ashley's hands traveled down my hot skin and slid them down my legs. She stepped out of hers, revealing her black thong. I dragged my eyes up her body- toned and perfect, but her short tank top was cutting of my view. Slowly, Ashley crept back up my body, kissing my passionately. The cool metal of her tongue ring, teased my lips. I granted her entrance, but she pulled back. After the third time, she listened to my pleas and kissed me. Our limbs tangled together as we rode each other's thighs, gasping. My hands run up her tank top, gently running my nails down and up her back. On their way up, I took her shirt with them.

"Ash, you're beautiful." I whispered as I ran my hand down between her breast and back up. She moaned softly and threw her head back. She smiled lovingly, and gently laid me down again.

"I love you, Spencer." She whispered into my ear. Her hands trailed down towards my panties. I could feel her hesitation.

"Please, Ashley." And that was all she needed before they were removed.

"Can we try something?" She asked against my neck as her fingers lightly brushed against my clit. I moaned softly, trying to form words.

"I-ummm, t-trust youuuu…" Kissing my bruised lips, Ashley slowly moved down my body planting wet kisses all over my heated skin. Two hands stilled my hips as her mouth gently kissed my right above my center.

"Ash…?" I didn't know exactly what she was going to do.

"It's ok, Spence. I'll be careful." Her left hand found mine and she lowered her lips.

"Ashley!" My hips shot off the bed when her mouth came in contact with my clit. A gentle, but firm hand carefully held them down. "Ash, Ash, Ash…" I panted as her mouth nibbled and sucked on my erect clit. A tongue trailed through my lips before returning to my little bud. Gently, Ashley bit it and I yelled out in pleasure. "ASHLEY!! Ohhh, Ashley….!" I moaned loudly, echoing through the room.

"You taste so good, Spence." One more little tug and she moved away.

"No, go back." I whimpered as her mouth left my throbbing clit, but I was soon moaning again. "UHG!" Carefully, her tongue entered me. I panted and moaned her name. She held my hand through the whole thing, never pulling away and I gripped it tightly.

My held flew back; I was so close. "Almost… there… uhgg… uh, uh, uhhhn. Ashley… ASHLEY!!" I exploded and my body arched off the bed to be pushed back down gently. She continued to lap up my juices as I shook and panted. Slowly, she removed her tongue, causing me to gasp quietly, and made her way back up, kissing every inch of skin. A tanned hand stroked my face as I continued to try and catch my breath. My hand was brought up to her lips. Kissing it softly, I heard her ask, "Are you ok?" Weakly, I smiled at her concern.

"Y-yeah."

"Good… because I think you can go another round." I whimpered quietly before Ashley's lips crashed back into mine.

The kisses grew a little more frantic and I could feel Ashley's hand trailing down my stomach. Moving her head from my jaw to my neck, she placed warm, wet kisses. Her left had continued to massage my breast, switching back and forth, bring me closer. Slowly, one finger entered me. I gasped even louder when a second joined.

We rocked against each other, with Ashley whispering loving words in my ears. She bit my shouldering whispering "mine" to no one and everyone and I came yelling, "Ashley", just for her to hear.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

-Ashley's Pov-

I held her shaking body against mine after. I was getting a little worried because Spencer still hadn't said anything. I hope I didn't hurt her. I felt her warm body mold farther into mine, still not saying anything.

"Spencer? Honey, I'm sorry." I said stroking her hair. "I didn't mean to push you." Still nothing. "Baby, please say something. You're scaring me." I pleaded.

"I love you." My arms hugged her tighter as we laid under the sheets.

"I love you so much." Kissing her temple I added, "are you ok though?" I felt a warm kiss against my collarbone.

"More than anything." A sigh of relief escaped my lungs.

……………………………………………………………………………………………

We laid there a little longer and I had to keep shifting because having a naked Spencer pressed up against me was not helping the heat between my legs. Finally, she noticed and lifted her head off my chest.

"You ok?" Oh shit. She ran her hand up and down my stomach, trying to sooth me… not working.

"Y-yeah, fine," I stuttered.

"Baby, you're flushed." A warm hand caressed my cheek. "You're not getting sick are you?" I shifted again and her hand continued to run up and down my body.

"No, just ah… Spencer stop." She gave me strange look and cautiously pulled her hand back.

"Ashley, what did I do?" I started to feel guilty at the hurt look in her eyes.

"Nothing, just…" I sighed. "Having you this close, wearing nothing…" I trailed off. Her eyes clouded with confusion before they grew a little wide. A blush settled on her cheeks.

"Oh… d-do you, uhm need me to uh-" Her stuttering was so cute that I couldn't help but smile.

"No, it's ok… I'll take care of it or something… I don't know. But you don't have to ok. I don't expect you too…" Her hand started to run up and down my torso again and I shuddered. "Spencer, really, you gotta stop…"

"I-I want to take care of you." Her eyes locked with mine.

"Are you sure?" I asked, trying not to plead her with my eyes. I wanted her to want this. Nodding she said shyly, "I just… don't know how. Show me?" My lips pressed against hers tenderly.

"Ok." I smiled.


	26. What It Really Means When I Say

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I want to thank you guys for some of the most incredible feed back I have ever gotten. Thank you sooo much. I hope you enjoy this short chapter. The next will be longer. Happy readings. :)

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"Ash what if I can't m…" She blushed and looked down at her hands

"Babe, what's wrong? You don't have to, ok?" I gently caressed her cheek.

"No, no… I-I want to, but…" She trailed off.

"But what, honey?"

"Ash, what if I can't make you…" She blushed and looked down at her hands nervously. "I just- you have experience and I don't really… what if I'm no good?"

"Aww, baby, I thought we talked about this crying thing." I wiped the tears from her eyes.

"What if- what if I don't please you? And-" Silent tears feel down faster than I could wipe them away.

"Spencer, what's this really about?" I was sitting against the headboard; Spencer sat a little in front of me, like she was praying- head hung over, shoulders slumped. The cool ivory silk sheets pooled around her legs and I remembered thinking that she never looked so innocently beautiful and broken. I placed my hands firmly on her shoulders. "Spencer, look a me." Her eyes wouldn't meet mine. I lean forward and down, lilting my. I gingerly pressed my lips against the heartbroken girl's in front of me. Pulling back I caressed her angelic face with my palm. "You need to tell me what's wrong." Finally, troubled blue eyes met mine.

"What if you realize that you don't love me after?" Came the terrified whisper.

"What? Oh, Spence… what's going on in that head of yours?" I wrapped her into my arms, feeling her tear stained face pressed against my skin. "Nothing, _nothing_, could stop me from loving you. You-you don't even know Spencer. Baby, you're all I think about. Everyday, before I fall asleep. I dream about you. I need to be with you, but more importantly, I _want _to be with you. You were the first girl I ever really cared about. You were the first girl I made love to. Baby, _you're _my everything. Not some easy hook-up or old fuck buddy. Spencer I love you. Ok? I. Love. _You_. That means forever. I've-I've never told that to anyone before, only you. I mean it. I will always love you- together, apart. It doesn't matter. You're all that matters to me, you-you always will be all that matters." I stroked her hair gently as I spilled my guts out, feeling exposed and raw, but it was something I had to do- before we could more forward. I knew things would be hard with us. I mean, just the age difference. Honestly, Spencer's probably more mature than I am, but she's still 15. I can't expect her to fully grow up; _I'm _still growing up.

I felt her pull away from me, gently. Her eyes met mine and I waited.

"Show me how to love you." I took her face in my hands and before pressing a kiss to her lips, I whispered, "ok".

I wrapped my arms around her neck, ready to give up control. To finally let someone have me.

Our lips pressed slowly against each other. We both realized that this couldn't be rushed. That it had to be slow and passionate and perfect, so perfect we would both fall apart come undone. Our barriers falling away until we were so raw, it hurt. Until we were one heart, one soul. Until there was nothing left between us except pounding hearts. Until it was just us... and nothing else.


	27. Close to Me

I gently pulled her ontop of me

I gently pulled her on top of me, lacing my hands through he golden tresses as we kiss. Our tongues battled for dominance and slowly, I let her win. Spencer's hands run up and down my sides. Her lips gingerly moved down to kiss my jaw and neck. I let out a moan as she began to suck on my pulse point. Slowly, Spencer pulled away. She sat up on me and ran her hands over the sides of my bra. "It's ok." She bit her lip and I propped myself up on my arms. Her hands slid around my back and tried to get the clasp undone. I took a shaky hand in mine and helped her undo it. A light blush spread across her cheeks and I took the hand, brought it to my lips and kissed it lovingly. "Make love to me." I whispered into her palm. A large grin spread across her face. Her hands pushed the straps of my bra off of my shoulders. A small gasp escaped Spencer's bruised lips once it was completely off. "You're so beautiful." I grinned as she just stared at my chest.

"Baby, touch them…" She looked at me then back down. "It's ok, baby… I just want to feel your hands on me." I whispered. Cautiously, Spencer's hands reached forward. They rested lightly on my breast. She leaned down, our lips meeting again then she began to squeeze lightly. "Mmm…" Lips place wet kisses down my neck to my collarbone. I felt her exhale lightly on my skin before lowering her mouth to my hard nipple. Her other hand found my right nipple and began to pinch it. "Yeah, baby… so good…Mmmm, bite it a little." Spencer's perfect white teeth bit down softly. "Yessss… uh… pull it…" She shook her head softly, tugging on me. "UNG! Spencer, please…" She smiled then moved on to the next one. I was dripping. I began to buck against her thigh to try and relieve the burn coming from my center. As she continued to tease my hard nipples, a hand drifted down to my panties. "Please…" I moaned. Kissing me softly, she pulled down my thong.

"Ashley, you're so beautiful."

"I'm yours, Spencer. Take me." I said caressing her cheek. We met in a passionate kiss as one finger slid into my folds.

"Uhnnn, Spencerrr…"

"So wet, baby…"

"You make me wet…" I groaned. Her finger teased my whole causing me to groan loudly.

"Ashley," she whispered quietly.

"Wh-what baby."

"Could you… just uhm…" I smiled lovingly. "Just at first…" I took her hands and lightly pushed her finger into me a little. I moaned softly.

"I love you, Ashley. Let me show you." My hand drifted away as she pushed it in the rest of the way.

"Spencer!" I moaned before our lips crashed together again.

"You're my everything." She whispered into the crook of my neck and entered me with a second finger.

"Yesss, Mmm, baby. Sooo… good…" She pushed deeper into me, our sweat soaked bodies rubbing against each other, as I grew closer to release. "Uh!" I gasped as her thumb brushed against my clit. "Soo…. close, harder. Uh, I love you!" Her fingers pumped into me harder and I couldn't take it anymore. I exploded screaming her name, letting her have all I was. "Spencerrrr!" Her ministrations slowed down as I rode out the rest of my orgasm. Lovingly, she kissed my face and pulled out of me as I tried to recover.

Spencer's body laid gently on top of mine and she place light kisses to my collarbone. After my breathing came back to normal, she looked up at me nervously.

"Was I ok?" I grinned dreamily at her before kissing her.

"Amazing baby… thank you." I said, while brushing her hair out of her face. "You look tired honey; you should get some rest."

"I've been busy." I laughed and kissed her head.

"Very busy." She snuggled into me and I wrapped my arms securelys around her back and waist. "I love you so much baby."

"I love you too, Ashey." Her breathing evened out quickly after.

"I'm always gonna love you Spence. You have my heart…" The rest of my sentence drifted off as I shut my eyes and held her close to me.


	28. Broken Hearts Have No Secrets

I rolled over onto my side taking a body with me. Spencer was curled up in my arms. Her hands were almost resting under her head, which was snuggled into my chest. I didn't want to get up, I didn't want to talk and I didn't want my heart to be broken. She murmured softly with a cute little frown on her face. I took a finger and ran it lightly over the frowning feature. "Ashey…" She breathed happily then snuggled herself even farther into me.

"My baby is so warn out." I whispered, kissing the top of her head. I looked over at the clock and groaned. She had to leave for school in an hour or so. "Spence, wake up. Babe, you have school; you need to be getting ready soon." She moved around a little, but didn't get up. I grinned and gently pulled her hair to the side. My lips continuously met her delicate skin across her shoulder, back and neck. "Come on baby, you're gonna be late.

"Mmm… Ashey, _sleepy_…" I laughed a little.

"You should get ready." Groaning, Spencer slowly lifted her head off of my chest. "Morning sexy." I husked gently across her ear.

"Mmm, morning." She hummed as I placed a kiss to her forehead. My hands ran from the dip in her lower back to up around her shoulders and back down. "Feels good… wanna sleep…"

"_Spence_."

"Uhn, fine." Resting her weight on both arms- one on each side of me- Spencer leaned forward and kissed me. "Can I use your shower honey?" A hot grin spread across my face "_Alone_," then if fell. Giggling, she pressed a little kiss to the tip of my nose. "We need to have time to talk." I groaned and fell back against the pillows, Spencer still above me. I so did not want to have this conversation.

"I was hoping you forgot…" I closed my eyes in frustration. "Look, how 'bout you get ready and go to school and we can talk later." This caused Spencer to sit up glaring and cover her ch…. Uhnn… all bear and lickable…. mmmm….

"Ashley!" I licked my lips still a little 'preoccupied'.

"What _baby_?"

"You're not even listening to me." A thought struck me, well a useful one. Anything to stall… plus naked Spencer, all mad…. drools

I leaned in a bit and nibbled on her ear lobe. "How can I think about anything _other_ than you?"

"Uhn…" My lips and teeth continued their ministrations down to her neck.

"Isn't this better than talking?" I murmured against her delicate skin.

"Y-yes… Ashley!" She jerked away, glaring so angrily that I felt guilty instantly.

"Sorry, baby." I said looking down at my hands.

"Yeah you should be. Uh! You infuriate me, Ashley! Were you seriously gonna _fuck_ me just to get out of talking. Was that what every other time was, just to get out of something?" She huffed.

"No, no Spencer. C'mon, you know I wouldn't do that." I said trying to caress her face.

"Really? Cause I don't even really know you."

"What? Baby you know me." I said desperately.

"I'm such an idiot. I can't believe I've slept with someone I don't even know." I was getting really nervous. This is why I didn't want to talk. Only bad things came from talking… but Spencer was worth it. Taking her hands in mine, I decided that for once I should stop running.

"I'm scared of letting you know me, ok?"

"Why? Don't you trust me, Ash?"

"More than anything."

"Then tell me. Tell me why I had to stay up all night with you high and crying, why you called me in the middle of the night, why the docks suck and you can't let anyone in. Tell me, Ashley. Just let me in. _Please_?" I reclined back against the headboard.

"All right." I whispered. Cupping my cheek, Spencer leaned in a kissed the corner of my mouth before lying on top of me wrapping her toned arms around my waist. "Two- two years ago I came out. Maybe it was more… I don't really know. It was during my sophomore year. I was dating Aiden Dennison," I felt her gasp a little against my chest, "still a virgin."

"Ash, I don't care about that ok. I still love you-"

"No, I know it's just… Hold on." I took a deep breath. Spence kissed my neck reassuringly. "He didn't take it well. Told me to keep it quite and- and I wouldn't. I came out the day after I broke it off with him. The school didn't take it well. Everyone, even the geeks, treated me like shit. I constantly had to scrub 'dyke' and 'slut' off of my locker."

"But Kirtsen is gay."

"She didn't trash anyone's rep. Plus Kirtsen is scary. I use to be one of them, Spencer. When you're no one and gay, you get a little shove into the locker. When you're popular and get 'turned' gay by the most popular guy in school, not good. Aiden was pissed beyond believe, so was everyone else. They didn't like that the losers of the school felt comfortable to rag on Aiden and over step their bounds. The losers were getting comfortable and they didn't like that I started that. Even if I didn't mean to, it was my fault. When one of the most popular girls in school comes out and dumps 'the King' of the school because she's gay, it's ok for others to come out, to push back when they're shoved into lockers."

"So you were like an idol for those guys." She said proudly and I so wished at the moment that I could lie to her and say, "yes, like their idol", but I couldn't.

"No… Now the playing field was leveled. The queen had fallen and everyone wanted a piece. It was like the French Revolution. I wasn't _one of them_ anymore. Trust me when I say this, everyone got a piece."

"So I was living on the bottom of the food chain and honestly, I could live with that. I was getting use to it. I mean, Aiden and Madison were making my life a living hell, but the pressure to be perfect was off and they did lighten up as the year went on… I thought they'd let go of everything. It was only the quite before the storm." Spencer rubbed soothing circles on the opposite shoulder from where her head way lying. "I had been dating a little- outside of school- and it was nice. Everything felt right… There was this party-at the docks- one night around Halloween. The parties were pretty crazy." I said quietly. " I-I decided to go… alone… I never was a crazy drinker. I know that's hard to believe. Even when I was popular I'd only have a couple drinks."

"Everything started fine. I danced with a few girls before I realized that _they_ were there. Wherever I went, they were always just watching. I started to freak a little, but tried to shake it off. I don't remember much of this part."

"It's ok." She whispered sensing that something was coming.

"Some how I got a drink. I already had a few… I don't know who gave it too me. I was kinda tipsy and tired of all my old friends shoving me while I was trying to just have fun. I was tired of them spreading rumors and writing on my locker." I didn't realize I had started to cry. "I just wanted them to stop, to care about me again, to take me back. I took the drink. Why was I so stupid? I took it and then…" Spencer's hand was running over my hair.

"Baby, it's ok, you don't have too…" She already knew I think, what had happened.

"I was so out of it, but I was still there. I was still there!" I yelled. "I was still awake… and he raped me…" The room was quite, like if we talked too soon the air would shatter.

I could feel my body start to shake. "I lost my virginity at a rave in the back room of a storage house at 16 with a guy who told me that no one would love me…"

"When the drug started to wear off, they carried me out to the docks and threw me into one of the storage crates. Everyone was chanting 'slut' and 'dyke' as they kicked and shoved at me. Someone kicked the crate over. I heard some of them laugh and then I could hear them yelling as the water started to fill the crate. They were yelling, trying to find who had kicked it over… they didn't want to go to jail…" I whispered. "I knew that I was going to drown and I didn't fight it. I let the crate fill with water, hoping it would be quick. By the time someone found me I was delirious. I just know that it was a guy."

"A few weeks later I found out I was pregnant."

"Oh, _Ashley_." My skin cooled where the wet droplets fell.

"I lost the baby a few months later… I was gonna keep her."

"Her?" I couldn't reply to that, it hurt so much.

"That's really when the drugs and random hook-ups started… It got better this year. I was still pretty into it… but it completely stopped when I met you, but when I thought that you hated me-"

"I never did, baby."

"I know that, now… I- I'm s-s-so sorrrryyy, Spencer!" The sobs racked my body. "I shhh-should have been st-strongerrr!"

"Shh, no Ashley. You're strong, baby. And he was _wrong_ because I love you so much and so does Kyla. You're our everything, baby. We couldn't live without you. I need you and I love you. No matter what."

"H-h-he wasss wronggg…" I cried into her arms.

"So _very_ wrong." She whispered into my ear. "You are strong… sometimes that doesn't stop… people… you _are _strong…"

-No Pov-

"It wasn't your fault." Spencer whispered into the broken girl's ear. "It _wasn't_ your fault… I would have loved you no matter what…"


	29. Where Do You Go When You're Lost?

-SPENCER'S POV-

-SPENCER'S POV-

"Spencer, you should go." I jumped slightly at her rusty voice cutting through the silence the past half hour had built up. My heart burned at her hollow words. I brushed auburn locks away from her cool face.

"I'm not going anywhere, sweetie."

"Spencer… I, I just want to be alone." My arms wrapped tighter around her front and I pulled Ashley's body closer to my front.

"No. I'm not letting you go." I didn't like this. Her voice was too unemotional for what just happened and I could feel Ashley trying to contain her shivering. "Honey, I'm going to leave you. You need me here with you. I love you, ok, Ashley? Gosh, baby, why can't you just except that." I asked, stroking the side of head. My lips pressed a kiss just under her ear and I felt her tighten up.

"I need space, back the fuck up!" I tried to not cry at her angry words. _She's been through_ _a lot_, I told myself.

"I'm just trying to help Ashey-"

"_Fuck_, Spencer. Could you just shut for like two seconds? And by the way, I'm not five ok, so cut the _Ashey_ shit." My jaw shook and I tried to stop the tears that threatened to fall.

"Ashley, what's wrong with you?" I whimpered.

"For the love of- What don't you get _Spency_? I. Don't. Want. You. _Here_." I couldn't help it and started to cry. What had happened to her? "Fuck- SHUT UP, SPENCER! SHUT YOUR DAMN MOUTH AND GO!" I began to sob uncontrollably. She just sighed and rolled farther over onto the bed. I sat there, tears distorting my vision, watching as my girlfriend- lover- just continue to go back to sleep. Trying desperately to quite my crying as to not disturb her, I slunk out of bed and started to pick up my clothes. The shirt I had been wearing was on the chair and my panties where in the middle of the floor. I gave up on finding my right sock and made my way to the door sniffling. I hesitated, then decided to say it anyways.

"I, I love you, Ash-ley." I added quietly.

"Thanks," my heart rose when she began to talk, "for the fuck," she sneered and I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. I ran down the hallway as fast as I could. Was that all it was, just sex? Was that why she was being so mean? Maybe she realized that she didn't love me: that she only wanted me to screw her and…. what _happened_ to her?

I broke down in the kitchen. Shaking so hard that I felt like I was moving the island that I had fallen against. I couldn't stop the tears. I cried and cried until I thought I was going to be sick. I didn't even know how long I laid against the cool surface of the island. It didn't matter. My breathing was still choppy and my sobbing hadn't stopped. Why did she hate me all of a sudden? I continued to whimper and cry, not registering the pounding feet that ran down the stairs.

"Baby? Oh gosh, baby!" Her arms wrapped around my trembling form. "I'm so sorry." The words were whispered through my hair softly, like they would brake too. She turned me around and pulled me as close as she could. I didn't hug back; I just pressed my tear-stained face and folded arms into her chest. "I didn't mean it, angel. I love you, Spencer. You're my baby. I'm so sorry." For the first time, Ashley arms didn't feel the same. They didn't comfort me. Something about this whole thing was just too painful that she couldn't just take it away. It wouldn't vanish, this feeling- it was in the air. "Come back upstairs, angel. Come rest with me." I shook my head, surprising both of us. She kissed the skin where the opening of my shirt ended before it went up my neck. "Come on." She didn't really give me a choice… I don't even know if I would have resisted. Her strong arms lifted me up and carried me back into her room.

I sat, whimpering on her bed, as she removed my shoes. When she brought me into her arms I didn't cuddle with her.

"I'm sorry. I am so sorry, baby." She said remorsefully into my ear.

"What happened to you?" I whispered, my voice breaking.

"Those are some of the withdrawal symptoms of…" Ashley paused and I could feel her take in a deep breath, "cocaine." She whispered.


	30. Completely Come Apart

So I'm Beta-reading now

So I'm **Beta-reading** now. Hopefully I get some stories to help with… and I won't suck at it. 

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-ASHLEY'S POV-

Spencer's body tightened in my grip. She began to struggle.

"Let me go, Ashley." She growled. I held on to the smaller form as she tried to wiggle from my arms.

"Spence…"

"Ashley, you let go of me right _now_."

"No, baby. You're gonna sit still and we're going to talk this out." I said sternly.

"Talk this out, YOU'RE ADDICTED TO COCAINE!"

"Don't yell at me!" I said through gritted teeth. I was getting tired of this.

"You we're yelling at me!"

Ring, ring, ring…

Groaning, Spencer reached over and picked up her phone.

"What?!" She literally growled into her pink LG Chocolate. I rolled my eyes. This was ridiculous. I was having a fight with my half dressed girlfriend while I was in a cut off neon pink tank top and pajama pants with cupcakes on them. I couldn't even take us seriously. "Mom, no, I can't…. I'm sorry, this is more important… Fine, ground me… yes I'm with her…. DON'T YOU DARE CALL HER THAT!!" What did they say to her? Damn it, why is she crying? What they hell did they say to her?!

"Baby?"

"I _hate_ you!" Her phone was thrown onto the ground before she hurled herself into my arms. I held her awkwardly.

"Spencer, what happened?" I asked softly.

"My mom…" Pulling away she glared at me realizing that she was about to give in. "And you know what hurts? When I was defending you, I was really thinking about how much I hate youright now."

"You don't mean that, Spencer?" She shook her head.

"You're not who I fell in love with. I'm sorry, but I need a break. I'm going to call Glen to pick me up." I yanked her back onto the bed. "Ashley!"

"You _love_ me." It came out more as a plea.

"Why do you do this to me?" Spencer curled into me and I held her close to me, scared she would disappear. "I'm just so…" Taking a deep breath she continued, "so afraid of you sometimes."

"What?" The word broke out of me and I cringed at how broke it sounded.

"Every time we move forward something happens and I'm scared Ashley. I don't know what to do sometimes. Jack and Michael are the only experience I have and- and they didn't prepare me to fall in love with you. I'm not ready to deal with these things." I held her quietly and continued to listen because I knew she had more to say. "What if you have a lot of trouble kicking these addictions? And you get angry again or- or hurt me- yourself. I just don't know what to do because it really hurts and I really love you." I kissed her head and hoped she didn't notice the tears fall onto her. I loved Spencer so much and I couldn't stand knowing how much pain this was causing her.

"Spencer-"

"I think we should take a break. Be friends until you sort out your life."

"Would that make you happy?" I asked quietly so she wouldn't hear my voice shaking.

"No… but it's what I need us to do." I let a whimper slip as I brought her as close to me as possible and fell against her. Feeling her in my arms for the last time.

"Ok…" I whispered into her hair. It smelled like strawberries and vanilla. Spencer took a shaky breath and began to get up. I had to tell myself not to reach out a grab her. Not to lie to her and tell her that it would be ok, easy even. She turned to look at me and quickly ran back towards me, tears streaming from her eyes and placed a heartbroken kiss against my lips. Pulling back she turned away, wrapping her arms around herself. I heard her start to cry as she ran out of my room.

Even though I loved her, I had to let her go. Maybe… maybe she'd come back though be. Maybe we would be ok…

……………………………………………………………………………………………… The end

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…………………………………………………………………………………………….

Haha, I lied. It's not over. Tehe.


	31. I Will Wait for You to Love Me

song is _Wait Another Day_ by **Uh Huh Her**

I've gotten so many awesome reviews. And **itswhatever**: I would get some sleep. :P **MasterDanniSoN2**: Thanks! _You're_ a masterpiece! :D

I want to thank you guys for all of the amazing comment/reviews about how much you like my story and writing. YOU GUYS ROCK!! Sometime, I'm giving you guys a _**triple update**_!! (I won't be here - home - most of the day though and I want to make those updates longer- BUT THEY WILL COME!! tehe)

_sorry it's so short. enjoy and commmennnttt si'l tu plait!! or whatever. :J_

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-ASHLEY'S POV-

These past few days have been torture. The craving are getting to me, but then I keep thinking of Spencer… I miss her so much. I miss her voice, and holding her. I miss the color of her eyes –how the change with her mood – and her touch. It's killing me not being able to be with her. We're not even friends. I haven't talked to her at all. There's only four months of school left, I dropped out almost two months ago. Normally I'd hang out with Spencer – or get high – now I can't do either. And I really want to; I'm actually not sure what I want to do more, which pisses me off. These damn addictions are killing me. Kyla's started to sleep in my bed with me because I wake in the middle of the night – completely sick – or I wake up and start hallucinating. These hallucinations are even worse then when I'm was on the shit. Sometimes I think my dad has come back from tour and I won't believe when Kyla tells me he's gone… last time she had to pull out _the video_ MTV made. Then sometimes I think Spencer's back, like before. The ones that really freak me out are-

"Ashleyyyy!! Now's your chance!" I groaned and flopped onto my back. It's not like I was getting anywhere with this. I laid my _Gibson_ to the right of me along with my notebook.

"What, Kyla?" I'm a little irritable these days.

"Spencer doesn't have a ride! You can go pick her up after practice!" Biting my lip, I tried not to roll my eyes.

"She'll probably catch a ride from her brother or a cheerbitch."

"Nope! I took care of it, don't worry."

"_Kyla_." I moan. "What did you do."

"Nothing _really_. Do you want her back or not?" I felt like my mother was scolding me, if she cared that is.

"I see you later Kyla."

...

"Uhm, hey."

"Th-thought you might, might need a… ride?" I managed to squeak out.

"Thanks Ash." A sweet smile graced her lips.

"No problem, baby." The smile instantly fell form both our faces at my misspoken words. "Spencer. I-I meant Spencer." My eyes drifted to my hands, turning white from their firm grip on the steering wheel. "Habit."

"It's ok, Ashley."

"Can I still give you a ride?"

"Only way I can get home." Her reply isn't exactly what I wanted to hear. I can feel my last ounce of pride drop. "Hey, Ash. I'm glad you're here." Looking up quickly I try not to beam so brightly.

"Really." A look – something I can't really place – settles across her face.

"Really."

...

The ride was awkward to say the least. We were halfway to her house before I spoke.

"Wanna pick out a CD?"

"M'kay." She searched through the overhead CD holder on the visor. "OH, pink! It's so pretty. I wouldn't figure that you'd have a pink CD."

"Don-" It was too late. Spencer had already fed the disk to the player and turned the volume up.

_I look at the starlight _

_I am shattered by the night _

_Always run where I can _

And I hide where I wanna hide

She smiles softly.

_But it feels so right _

_I want it tonight _

_It feels so right _

"Ash, is this you?" Blushing, I nodded. "Ohmygosh, Ashley! It's beautiful.

_I went out of my mind _

_I am calling you one more time _

_I know how it feels tonight _

_I can do nothing about it _

_But it feels so right _

_I want it tonight _

_You feel so right _

Spencer threw her head back, letting the wind whip her hair around. I took that moment to admire how beautiful she was. She looked so much older and was filling out her clothes perfectly. Glancing back at the rode to make sure I didn't kill us, I looked back longingly at Spencer.

_I will wait to love you _

_I will wait another day _

_For you I'd leave all this behind _

_I will wait for you tonight _

_I will waste another dream of you _

… so beautiful. I started to notice that she was getting a little curvy – she was to skinny before- now she was really looking older… completely gorgeous…

_Always run to you _

_I will take the long road _

_But it leads right back to you _

_Pull you into to the sun _

_I will steal its time for you _

"Th-the CD… I made it… for you…" I said quietly.

_But it feels so right _

_I want it tonight _

_You feel so right _

"Ashley…" My heart literally hurt at the tone.

"Sorry."

_I will wait to love you _

_I will wait another day _

_For you I'd leave all this behind _

_I will wait for you tonight _

_I will waste another dream of you _

_Always run to you _

_I will wait to love you _

_I will wait another day _

_For you I'd leave all this behind _

_I will wait for you tonight _

_I will waste another dream of you _

_Always run to you_

...


	32. By Your Side

Sorry it took so long; I'm uploading it to another site (two actually), but don't worry - you'll always be the first to get the new updates!! Comment and ENJOY!!

my beta/question-y/i dunno email is

* * *

Spencer and I have tried hanging out – getting back to normal as she calls it. I guess she forgot that normal us was well, us. She had some test in a few days and for some deranged reason, plans to study up until then. I told her she could study here. I was a little nervous though. My cravings for something white and powdery kept popping into my head, but I really wanted to see her so I ignored them. So far, everything had been fine. It was quite, but not too awkward… yet. She was on floor studying and I took the couch (just for the record, I offered it too her and she declined). My ipod was my only distraction from her… it sucked by the way… I kept tugging on the dark bronze – almost black – ring in my lip. I need a fix so damn bad…

_By my side  
You'll never be  
_

"Hey, Ashley, I think I'm gonna go soon. Chelsea invited me to a party." I rose up on my arms and looked down at Spencer; she was texting.

"But you don't like to party last I checked." I tugged on the ring again.

"Yeah, well… I guess I should try and get use to it. You shouldn't tug so hard on that; you're gonna rip it out."

_By my side  
You'll never be_

"Uh?" I said why scratching subconsciously at my arm. Shaking her head, Spencer continued.

"Never mind. I'm going cos I need to make some friends – my mom's been on my case a lot, the only reason I got to come over was because I lied and said Kyla was helping me study." Snorting I responded with, "I think it would be the other way around."

"Anyways, Madison is getting pissed at me… maybe this will get me on her good side: if I act like 'one of them'." She tired to say dismissively, but I could hear a hit of sadness.

"So you're ditching to hang out with the cheerbitches? They're gonna turn you on me!" The anger was evident in my voice. I started raking my nails over my arm faster.

"Ash? What the heck? I'm just going to a party." She said calmly.

"Damn it! You're leaving me again and… and FUCK! My arm… it's all over my fucking arm, Spencer…" I grew a little more desperate and began to plead, "Spencer, Spencer. Get them off my arm!! They hurt – FUCK!" I could feel tears threatening to spill.

_Cause I'm fake at the seams  
I'm lost in my dreams  
And I  
I want you to know that I can't let you go  
And you're never coming home again  
And you're never coming home again_

"Ashley? What's wrong?"

"Gotta get them off… got to… got to get… off…" I searched around franticly. They were all over my skin! I could feel them crawling and biting. It hurt so badly… I shoved a clammy hand into the back pocket of my _Vigoss_ jeans. I could feel the smooth metal run against my fingertips. Yes… Pulling the lighter out, my heartbeat started to calm down.

"What are you doing?… Ashley?"

"Getting them- them off." The light clicked to life and I moved the flame over my arm.

_By my side  
You'll never be  
By my side  
You'll never be_

"ASHLEY!" Spencer lunged at me knocking the lighter to the ground.

"WHAT THE FUCK, SPENCER? They're still there!" I began to cry. "There – there still thereee!"

"Ashley, what the hell were you thinking?" I felt her eyes on my arm. "We need to run this under cold water."

_I wanted to tell you I'd changed  
I wanted to tell you that things would be different this time  
I see you  
You see me  
Different  
I see you  
You see me  
Differently_

"GO AWAY! I _hate_ you!" I looked around suspiciously. "You're – you're the reason I'm crazy!" I couldn't take it. I _needed _something. She didn't understand…

_You tell me that you love me but you never want to see me again  
You tell me that you love me but you never want to see me again  
You tell me that you love me but you never want to see me again  
You tell me that you love me but you never want to see me again_

-SPENCER'S POV-

Ashley began tearing the cushions off the couch, throwing magazines around, CDs, books, everything. The drawers were pulled from the counter when she ran into the kitchen. I ran after Ashley, yelling franticly.

By the time I caught up. The whole bathroom was destroyed. The medicine cabinet was empty: bottles and other crap lay on the floor. She glared at the reflection of herself in the mirror.

"Fuck up." She hissed. I stood cautiously, just outside the door. Her pupils were almost non-existent and her auburn locks disheveled and dull. I was at a complete loss of what to do and terrified of what Ashley would do. "FUCK UP!" She screamed causing me to jump in surprise. And before I could do anything, she smashed her fists in the mirror. "Fuck up, fuck up, FUCK UP!" The glass shattered around her fist. I stood paralyzed as the shards cut through fine hands. Hands that I could sometimes still feel on me when I tired to fall asleep. Hands that I loved.

"She doesn't love you! Fuck up! You stupid whore! She doesn't love you! She doesn't _love you_!" Her voice strained with the volume and soon Ashley began to cry too heavily to yell and she slumped against the cabinet, her fist dragging down its surface catching loose glass with torn skin. With one last attempt her bloody fist pathetically pounded against the broken mirror before completely giving up. The bathroom was silent except for the sobs shaking Ashley's fragile body. Suddenly I could move again and stepped unsurely into the bathroom.

"Ashley?" I said softly. Slowly, I approached the traumatized girl. "Ash?" No response. I could feel my heart pounding wildly. I opened my mouth to call her name again, but was cut off.

"I wanna die, Spence." She said quietly it in such a broken voice that I felt slightly queasy.

"Ash…" I stepped closer until I was close enough to touch her with a shaky hand. "You don't mean that."

"I need to die." She rasped soberly. Her mind was made up and I could feel the bile rising in my throat. She was giving up on me. My head was spinning.

"No, baby. _No_." I begged through tears as I literally threw myself at her. Wrapping my arms around her in a desperate hug, I held Ashley tightly against me so she couldn't get away. I don't know how long I held her, but I sobbed the hold time as she stood there limply looking at the floor. "No, no, _no_." I kept repeating it into her sweat and tear stained t-shirt. "I can't lose you." I murmured softly.

Much later, I pulled back from her. Ashley refused to look at me and continued to look down at her feet. Moving slowly, like she was a wild animal, I went to take her hands in my. A soft whimper fell from her lips, which I just noticed was split. I gingerly guided her closer to the sink then noticed all the broken glass. Taking her wrist in my hand, I carefully lead us out of the bathroom and into the kitchen.

"Come on Ashey- Ashley." I corrected myself, remembering what happened a few days ago.

"Ashey." A soft rasp came from behind me and it almost brought tears to my eyes. I took her bloody hands and began to rinse them under lukewarm water.

"Do you have tweezers?" I looked over at her, but once again her eyes were vacant. "Sweetie, we need to get the glass out of your hands." Still no reply. Sighing softly, I continued to lightly clean her hands.

"Anyone HOMEEEE?" I heard Kyla sing loudly from the foyer, making Ashley jump. The click of her heels grew louder as she walked down the short hallway and turned to her left: to the kitchen. "Spencer!" Ashley jumped again.

"_Shh_, Kyla." I probably said it too harshly, but I was on Helping Ashley Mode right now.

"Uh, sorry…. So, what are you doing?" It must have looked a bit strange; Ashley's hair and clothes were disheveled; my eyes were probably blood shot and red from crying and I was washing Ash's hands.

"Do you have tweezers?"

"Uh?"

"_Tweezers_, Kyla," I glanced at Ashley's lip. "Aw, baby, I think you got glass in there too." With a sigh I realized how hopeless this was. She needed professional help… that she would never agree to.

"What the hells going on, Spencer?" Kyla demanded.

"Look, I'll tell you in the car, but we need to get Ashley to," I'm not sure why, but I whispered the last part, "the hospital. Taking Ashley by the wrist I began to walk towards the door, but she wouldn't budge. "Baby, c'mon." I tugged a little harder; still, she stayed staring at her feet not moving. I felt like I was trying to walk a damn dog.

"C'mon Ash," Kyla joined in. The girl won't do anything, just stare at her feet: no talking, moving. Hell, I didn't even know if she was still breathing!

"Damn it Ashley! Get you ass in the _fucking _car!" I growled after one last tug. Through her curtain of hair, I say her chin start to tremble, but she pulled away and limped lifelessly towards the hallway and then the front door. Kyla turned towards me, shocked.

"What the fuck happened to her?!" Unclenching my fists, I walked past her, after Ashley saying hatefully, "cocaine." Kyla wasn't following me so I yelled back, "you're driving."

On the way there I filled Kyla in, mentioning Ashley's _stupid_ addiction and that she freaked out. I left out most of the details, but she got the picture. Kyla's knuckles grew whiter as her grip on the steering wheel tightened through my 'story'.

"And you're still _here_?" I glanced back from my seat upfront. Ashley was sitting behind Kyla staring mournfully out the foggy window. It was unnaturally cold today. One hand, that continued to bleed, was picking at the jacket Kyla grabbed for Ashley. The other bloodied hand's fingers where lightly splayed against the cool surface of the window. She looked like a caged animal, wanting out. Like the tigers you see at the zoo – once strong and beautiful, now losing the will to get out – and the light kinda leaves their eyes. They always look… lost. Ashley continued to stare lifelessly out the window, but I caught how the air was held in her chest, how her eyes pleaded for an answer. So I gave her the only one I could because all I could hear were her broken words and I didn't want those ones to be the thing keeping us together…

"I'll be here as long as she lets me…" When I looked back again, her chocolate eyes were closed and she was resting her head against the window of the car. I think she was trying to sleep… I smiled – only for a second – then turned back towards the front.


	33. If I Was Your Drug, I Would Hurt Less

Ashley got four stitches on the left side of her lower lip

NOTE: for all of you wondering – these are the symptoms and withdrawals of cocaine and other drugs (opium, inhalants, PCP, etc). I've actually researched, so these are real symptoms… actually they're worse, but well, I don't want the story to be all about drugs… so yeah…

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Ashley got four stitches on the left side of her lower lip. There are 11 stitches in her hands altogether. Doctors asked us what happened and we all mumbled about exploding glasses and heat… I don't think they bought it. Kyla dropped me off and took Ashley home; she was exhausted. I ran straight to my room barely acknowledging my dad on the way up. I was on autopilot. Closing and locking the door, I pushed my homework onto the ground and got onto google.

Scrolling through the links, I opened a few that could be useful. What if I can't remember anything? Ah! Notebook. I grabbed a green notebook off the floor and a _Sharpie_ pen. Clicking on the first link, I began to read and take notes.

"Cocaine increases the same chemicals in the brain that make people feel good when they eat, drink or have sex. Regular cocaine use can cause lasting changes in the brain. This may explain the craving and psychiatric symptoms that last even after drug use stops." quote: /AboutAddictionMentalHealth/DrugandAddictionInformation/cocainedyk.html

"PCP, or angel dust, is a sedative where patients fall into a trance like state. Many victims of this drug become agitated, delusional, and detached…" info: faculty./chudler/pcp.html

"Opium symptoms with wreak havoc on the body. Many people will experience sweating, vomiting, mood swings, depression, etc…"info: /opium.htm

Site after site, I searched and read. Every site gave warnings of the dangers or doomed the victim to an untimely death. I had pages filled with things like, _you usually become addicted to cocaine the first time you use it_, and _addicts will do ANYTHING to get their coke fix_ - not exactly hopeful. Though, Ashley's symptoms didn't seem as bad as what, apparently, I should have expected. She seemed to be in the last stages… I haven't really been with her much these last few weeks, but I was determined to make that up to her.

I quickly spun around in my chair when I heard the knocks.

"Spencer?"

"Uh, hold on Dad." Closing out of the sites I closed the notebook and unlocked the door.

"Yeah?"

"I was wondering if we could talk?" I looked around nervously.

"Uh, yeah, yeah… sure." He smiled kindly at me and we took a seat on my bed. I wish I could remember when talking to my dad became so awkward.

"So, what's up, Spencer?" I kept my gaze on my hands in my lap.

"N-nothing… Is that all?"

"You know you can talk to me right? I know I'm just your old dad, but if you ever need to talk to me, I'll always listen and I will love you no matter what."

"Thanks Dad…" I smiled up at him. Leaning down, he kissed my forehead and got up. "Can I go to Ashley's after school tomorrow?" I asked suddenly.

"Sure. Have fun." He said with a wink. Pausing in the doorway, he turned back towards me. "You should invite her over for dinner sometime." I grinned widely.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

I played with the pleats of my skirt. I doubted this would go well, but I had to talk to her. It was after practice, but Glen was still playing, so I had to wait her for a while longer. I was alone in the front of the school.

"Out of the way faggot!" I cringed at Madison's words as she pushed by.

"Leave me alone." She laughed loudly.

"Or what _faggot_?" I tried not to cry, not to let her see she was hurting me.

"Just go Madison. I've never done anything to you!"

"Oohh, scary. Where's your life partner? Oh yeah, she was to stupid to graduate. No, she just enjoys getting high and getting laid. Slept with her yet? Or were you not good enough? Then again, I guess it doesn't matter. Everyone knows that _slut_ will take it anyway she can."

"Shut up, Madison. Just shut up you stupid bitch!" I yelled through tears. "It's your fault, you stupid, stupid bitch! She thought you where her friends and you let that happen to her! You FUCKING BITCH! I – I hope you die!" I screamed and shoved her. "If you just left her alone at that _fucking_ party nothing would have happened!" Bawling, I shoved her again. "I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!"

"Spencer, what's going on?" I heard Glen yell from across the lawn. Through my blurry vision I could see him running over to us. Madison kept looking at me like I was a ghost.

"What – what are you talking about?" She asked quietly. "I – I didn't do anything."

"Liar! You know what you did! You and Aiden and, and the rest of them! How could you?" I growled hoarsely.

"Aiden and I… we left… we – we actually felt bad for her."

"Then how could you treat her like that?"

"What where we suppose to do?!" She yelled. "We didn't want to end up like her, but – but we still felt… bad… we left – Aiden came back for something, but we left. What the hell happened to her?" Madison actually looked worried and it pissed me off beyond believe.

"Spencer, what are you guys talking about?" She didn't deserve to act like she cared about Ashley, not my Ashley! I shoved her one final time. "Spencer!"

"Let's go Glen!"

"Spencer!" I took off towards his car. "What the fuck did you do to my little sister?" He growled venomously at her.

"I – I – I don't –"

"You know what? Save it, I don't care! Just leave her the hell alone… and Ashley too." He added then ran off after me.

"What the…"

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

"Spence, what the hell was that?" I kept my eyes on the window and ignored him. "_Spencer_?"

"You know what Glen? I have to explain to my emotionally absent girlfriend how I almost spilled her deepest secret to her worst enemy, so please excuse me if I don't want to talk!"

"Sorry for caring." We didn't talk anymore after that.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

"Spencer? Hey… I didn't expect to see you here."

"Yeah, well… I wanted to make sure she was ok." Kyla's eyes fell. Stepping aside, she let me in.

"She won't eat and she just sits up there throwing up or breaking things… or crying." We simultaneously turned around when we heard the sound of footsteps.

"Ashley, you haven't been down here for hours, you feeling better?" It was obvious that she didn't by the way she stumbled into the room, but I was hoping that she was just tired.

"Getting _Advil_." Ashley mumbled and I could hear the hoarseness of her voice. She turned in our direction. "Spencer?" It was like she didn't recognize me right away.

"Hey Ash." She was wearing an ocean blue tank top and black yoga pants which normally where form fitting, but now hanging loosely on her weakened frame. Black circles had formed under her eyes, which looked dull without their usual sparkle.

"What are you doing here?" Her voice tried to rise to a normal volume, but came out rusty.

"Came to check on you… I was worried."

"Well, not dead yet." Coughing she downed the pill with a glass of water

"_Ashley_…" After catching the look form her sister, Kyla excused herself with an exasperated sigh.

"Can you take those while you're recovering?"

"Do you think I fucking care?"

"S-sorry… just wondering." Running two hands through her hair, she tugged it lightly.

"No, no. I'm sorry. Sometimes I get a little agitated. Uh, Fuck I'm so screwed up!" And even though I came here determined to just check on her as a friend or just as someone who cared. Even though I promised not to fall back in love with her… I couldn't help it because when you really love someone it doesn't matter what happened. When you really love someone, they come first no matter how stupid a choice it may seem because in the end there is no choice – it's _always_ them.

I wrapped my arms around Ashley's fail shoulders.

"Ssh, no you're not baby. We'll get through this." She gripped tightly onto me, shaking.

"I don't deserve you." I almost didn't say anything. I almost let my bitter resentment and anger build up, but then I remembered that it wasn't Ashley's fault (in a sense it was, but I couldn't bring myself to fully blame her). I was mad at the drugs, at _those_ people. I don't know if she would have still gone down that path if none of those horrible things would have happened, but I like to believe she wouldn't have.

"You deserve everything." She pulled away after a few minutes and wiped her eyes with the palm of her hand.

"Wanna go up to my room." I should say no…

"Sure, but first let's get you something to eat. You look awful."

"Thanks, Spencer."

"C'mon, what do you want: toast, cereal-"

"I'm not hungry."

"Too bad. Toast it is." I began rummaging around as Ashley stood defiantly in the corner.

"I don't want fucking toast!" Sighing I set down the bread and turned towards Ashley.

"Baby, your form fitting tee looks like a large; I could feel your ribs when I hugged you and I know you haven't been eating. So you _will _be eating the damn toast." She took an intimidating step towards me.

"Make me." She growled. I tried to rise up on my feet to Ashley's height.

-Ashley's POV-

"Ashley, stop being a stubborn jerk and eat it!" Spencer demanded. "Ow!" She looked up at me with a look of betrayal and hurt as her chin started to tremble. I looked at her in disbelief. I just… I just shoved Spencer – hard.


	34. I Promise I'll Be Worth the Risk

Oh shit, oh shit

Oh shit, oh shit. Please, _please_, say I didn't just shove her.

"Spence, I – I…" I looked into her stormy eyes filling with tears. She hugged her herself and continued to swallow her cries.

"Her- her- here's your toast." She stuttered handing me the food with a visibly shaking hand. I took it and reached out with my other hand towards her. Spencer shot back quickly then looked down guiltily.

"Spence…" I whimpered. Slowly, she stepped closer to me.

"J-just (sniff) eat, eat your, (sniff) your toast-t." I started to wipe the silent tears from her face. "No. Please…" Solemnly, I watched as Spencer took a shaky breath and started to walk up the stairs. I followed her after standing motionless for a few seconds. I found her curled up next to the wall on my bed, between the pillows. Silent tears were falling down her beautiful face. I took a few steps forwards taking in the damage. Letting stale air fill my lungs, I moved forward after shutting the door. Taking a seat at the very end of the bed, my fingers nervously picked at the comforter. It was on the bed when I first made love to Spencer. I stopped playing with it.

"Ok Ashley, this is how things are gonna be," My eyes drew up towards her face. "No more drugs, you're going to start doing your community service because I know you've haven't done it for the past few days, and if you ever touch me like that again," she swallows, "we are done. Completely. No more, alright?"

"Ok, ok. I can do that. I can do that. I promise the drugs, ditching," I look down ashamed, "hurting you… it's done."

"And I want you to go back to school." Spencer adds in like I've said nothing.

"What? Are you fucking serious?" I ran my hands through my hair feeling overwhelmed.

"You're smarter than you think Ash."

"Do you realize how much school I've missed? I mean, it hasn't just been a few weeks and now I still have community service and, and – " Cool hands took my clammy ones and squeezed them lightly.

"Ashley, shh. I need you calm down and breath. Plus you told me once that you only had few weeks of service left. School will be no problem. So just breah."

"I can't!"

"Breath?"

"No! I – I can't go back there! How can I make that all up? I mean, I've missed test and pop quizzes and homework and, and oh Gd, Spencer! I've missed so much."

"I'll help you ok honey?" I gave her a desperate look. How could she not be freaking out?

"How can you just say that… after everything…?"

"I love you and – and it's sometimes scary and hurts, but you're always worth risking my heart. Maybe I'm naive for staying with you, but you're, gosh," a rosy blush settled over her cheeks matching the dreamy look that took over her eyes." You're so pretty and, and strong and you make my heart race really, really fast that sometimes I think it's going to burst. When I see you my I want to kiss you and when you're not around I need to. Gosh, Ashley, maybe I'm should leave you, but I never could because I'm so in love with you and you're worth the world; you _are_ my world Ashley." I didn't notice the tears slowly rolling down my face. All I noticed was the amazing girl – woman in front of me. I took her face in my hand and lovingly caressed her cheeks with the pads of my fingers.

"I'm gonna be better for you Spencer Carlin. I promise" I brought her smiling face – eyes closed – forward and kissed her on the forehead.

"Now kiss me properly." She breathed against my lips. Smiling, I leaned back in. Finally I could relax in the comforting feel of Spencer's lips. I gently sucked her bottom lip and ran my hands through her hair. We both pulled back, resting our heads together.

"Love you."

"Love you too." Spencer laid back, taking me with her. Resting in comfortable silence we both began to let what's happened over the past few weeks really soak in. We'll talk soon, but right now we just need some security: to feel safe and calm in each other's arms.


	35. Fixing What Was Broken

I felt her hands run through my hair slowly

I felt her hands run through my hair slowly. It was times like these when I realized how amazing Spencer really was. I flipped out, cussed her out, and pushed her, yet here she is holding me. I was snapped out of my thoughts by the buzzing sound of her cell phone.

"Yeah, yeah… I know… something came up. I'm sorry." I could feel Spencer's stomach muscles tense a little. "I'm – I'm sorry Madison…" Even though she was doing a good job of keeping her voice steady I could still hear it growing thick like she wanted to cry. "I know… WHAT? But, but… ok." She gave in quietly. After she hung up I lean over her body on my right forearm. Brushing the hair from her face, I lightly traced her jaw with my fingers.

"What's wrong, Spence?"

"Madison." Her lip stuck out as she pouted.

"Need me to ruff her up." A small smile spread across her face making it impossible not to lean down and kiss her.

"No, but you can ruff me up." Spencer's hand shot over her mouth as soon as she said the words. A deep blush rose on her cheeks and she looked adorable with her wide deer-caught-in-the-headlights eyes. Smirking, I decided to play with her a little.

"I would love to." I purred in her ear before taking a delicate lobe in my mouth and nibbling softly. My hands traveled under her shirt, raking over the soft skin there. "I would love to have you begging and moaning beneath me, hearing you yelling my name and swearing as I take you over and over again." I ran my tongue up and down her neck, making her shiver, before biting gently at her jaw.

"Ash…" Something took over. Hearing her whimper like that under me was making me so hot. I haven't had her in what felt like years. I began to unbutton her shirt. "Ashley, " I smashed our lips together then began to hungrily fondle her breast. Quickly, my hands ran down her legs before starting to unbutton them. I felt hands pushing at my shoulders but I was too wrapped up getting her naked. They pushed again. "Ashley!" My head snapped up. Panting heavily, my eyes stared unfocused into Spencer's navy blue (annoyed) eyes.

"Wh, what?" I asked out of breath. She curtly buttoned up her shirt and glared at me. "Baby, c'mon. I haven't gotten any in like, three weeks!"

"_Ashley_!"

"What?" Pushing me off of her she sat up causing me to sit up too.

"No sex."

"WHAT!" My eyes bulged out. Crossing her arms, Spencer fixed me with an I'm-dead-serious-you-have-no-chance stare. "But _Spencer_," I whined, "_three weeks_."

"No Ashley. Not until you're stable – "

"I'll give up my nicotine coated lungs!" She rolled her eyes.

"… and not until _we're_ stable."

"Fuuuck." I collapsed on the bed in frustration. "You were ok with it before." I mumbled. I felt a swat to my leg. Peaking through a closed lid, I glared playfully at her. "Deny me sex and then beat me like your bitch." Spencer moved towards the bottom of the bed and leaned over me, supporting her body on both hands.

"Does that mean I get to be on top?" She asked hopefully? Grinning, I ran my hands up and down her hips. Flipping us over, I slowly dipped my head to kiss her.

"Maybe next time." I tried to lean in for a kiss, but Spencer's voice stopped me with an accented, Ashley. "Uhnnnn." I groaned into the crook of her neck. Running her delicate hands up and down my cotton covered back, she placed a kiss on my head.

"I should go home."

"What?" I lifted up to look at her.

"I'm going to be grounded… again."

"Again?" She looked away guiltily. "Hey, hey… Spencer what's wrong?" I tilted her chin towards me.

"My mom doesn't like me hanging out with you – say's you're a bad influence." She rubbed at her eye tiredly. "I don't think I'll be able to come over for a while, not until I get my grades up that is." My eyebrows scrunched up in confusion. Spencer never has trouble with school. She's brilliant. I brushed a lock of hair behind her ear.

"Babe, what's goin' on?"

"People know…" I looked down into her sad gray eyes. They hadn't been that ocean blue for a while now.

"How?"

"Kirstin probably. I don't know. I guess it's more of rumors and even if they weren't true, they'd believe them. Madison is running me rugged to stay on the team. Since she doesn't have proof I guess she deciding use me up."

"Ok, so Madison is being a bitch, but what does that have to do with your school work?" We sat up and I took Spencer into my arms as she started to tear up. She shook her head into and curled up into me. I gently smoothed down her hair and brushed it out of her face. "Spence?"

"They're picking on me." Maneuvering her body, Spencer rested her head in the crook of my neck. "I'm such a baby." I felt the mumbled vibration against my skin.

"No, but you're my baby, angle and I'm gonna protect you, k? I'm gonna take care of this." She nodded. I brought her closer. I_ was_ going to protect her.

And it was going to start with Madison…

And probably end with her cos her ass is so big.

Hahahaha.

That bitch.


	36. When I Thought Things Were Better

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Spencer is amazing. Seriously, like the most amazing girl in the world. Ya know how I was freaking out about school? I mean, c'mon, I missed _months_ of school! Well leave it to my baby to collect _every_ assignment. When I asked her why the hell she would do that, she said because she hoped that I would go back. So after begging and pleading and making up assignments, I am back at King High. Yay. Oh, and I get to do double community service, but Spencer's happy.

I've been working really hard to catch up: staying after school, doing my homework, talking to teachers. For some reason my teachers are actually giving me a chance. My first day back was pretty entertaining. Everyone looked like at me like I rose form the dead or something. My teachers seemed surprise when I dumped half a semester's load of work on their desks: they didn't expect me to come back. Spencer was beaming the whole day. Over half of the school was talking about the return of Ashley Davies. Like I said, amusing. Apparently one fucker didn't hear about my return. I caught him harassing Spencer. Stupid sophomore. He was literally cowering in fear when I walked up behind Spencer. Oh yeah, Ashley Davies is back.

And I'm in it for blood.

Or to get sex back. Yeah… I just really wanted sex…

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-Spencer's Pov-

I ended up telling my dad that Ashley was going through a rough time, but decided to go back to school. He was letting me go over and help her study, even said she could come over for diner… which I decided not to tell Ashley about yet. During lunch, I decided to text Ashley to see if she even wanted me to come over and help her study; she was in the library right now. Even though she was doing better, she still got a little… cranky. I think it was the pressure and lack of sex over the past week or so that was getting to her.

S: Hey. Is it ok if Is come over?

A few seconds later, I got her reply.

A: Yeah baby. Id like that

S: :D Uhm, could you give me a ride

A: will u be wearing your cheerleading uniform?

S: Im wearing it now

No less than a second after I sent it, did my phone vibrate.

A: Can I pick u up now!?

I rolled my eyes.

S: Ill c u after school. love u

A: luv u 2 baby

I could feel the smile spread across my face at the relief of her last message.

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-Ashley's Pov-

After catching up (with a lot of help form Spencer) I now have a B+ in photography, a B- in journalism, a C in government and a C+ in French. I got a D in psychology (ironic, right?). Right now though I couldn't concentrate on my assignment. All I could think about was Spencer in that sexy uniform……..………………

15 minutes later

Oh, shit, I have to get to class!

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

I saw her before she spotted me. Unnn, she looks good in that uniform…. Mmm….. _Anyways_, she soon spotted me and ran over. Damn, she looks good _running_ in that uniform…

"Ash?"

"Uh? Wha- oh… hey." A funny smirk crossed her features as she climbed into my Mustang.

"What are you thinking? You look like you're in a trance." I pulled out of King High before reply.

"I'm just thinking about ripping that little uniform off and having my way with you." I say nonchalantly.

"Ashey!" I grinned and looked over, catching a deep blush that spread across her face then turned back towards the road. "You look better today."

"Yeah, well… being sane does that to a person." I rubbed my temple.

"Your head ok?"

"Yeah. Thanks… just a little head ache."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm fine!" I snapped. Sighing I tried to back peddle. "Sorry, baby… I'm really trying, but sometimes these withdrawals get me a little on edge. Don't take it personally." I caught her leaning over. The press of her lips against my cheek felt so warm.

"It's ok. I'm just glad _you're_ ok."

"I will be." I reached blindly into my back pocket to pull out one of my vices. I light the _Dajurm Black_ and switched it to the side of my mouth by the window – away from Spencer.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

My back was up against the backboard and Spencer was lying closer to the end of the bed and well, I was really, _really_ horny. Like, unbelievable, I want to take her right now over and over again, kinky, horny. I started to run my hand up and down Spencer leg. I noticed that if I turned my head to the correct angel, I got a really good view of her ass.

"Baby," I husked. "Why don't you take a break?"

"I gotta finish this assignment first, plus I got a major head ache." Groaning I flopped back down on the mattress and closed my eyes.

"Babe, what's wrong."

"Mimmannamipmoo." I mumbled into the pillows. I felt the bed dip a little as Spencer moved around. Her hands soothingly rubbed my back.

"Honey, are you feeling sick? Do you need to get some rest?" I flipped over, meeting Spencer's worried look.

"I wanna fuck you." It came out more as a question than a statement. Spencer's eyebrows rose as she looked at me. Slowly she bent down. Yes, yes, yes yesss! Her lips pressed gently against mine.

"You have a hand." She whispered against my lips.

"_Babbbyyy_." I groaned. This sucked. I was going crazy. "I'm getting a drink, you want anything?" I decided I needed to get away from her sexyness. She shook her head no and went back to her assignment rubbing her temples.

-Spencer's Pov-

I reached down to grab the notebook that I had set on the floor. My hand brushed against something so I leaned down farther. I noticed it was a stack of magazines. My curiosity got the best of me, so – putting my assignment aside – I got off the bed, onto my knees, and pulled the stack forward. My tummy twisted as I noticed the names of all the magazines: _Playboy_, _Penthouse_ and others. The first ten were really recent. I picked one up and set it on the bed before opening it. There were girls dressed in practically nothing in these seductive poses. I looked at the blonde on the page, looking at her breast them mine. I tried to push mine up; feeling worse when I noticed this page was dog-eared. Apparently Ashley visited this page quiet a bit. I jumped, my heart beating rapidly when I heard footsteps. Soon the magazines where back in their place and I was back on the bed feeling awful not counting the pounding in my head.

"Ya sure you don't want anything. Aren't you hungry?" I looked up to find Ashley taking a sip of her Sprite.

"No… I – I think I should get home." She gave me a quizzical look and set her drink down.

"Baby, are you ok?" I nodded and started to gather my things.

"I talk to you later Ash." I began to walk past her when she grabbed my arm and pulled me back.

"Kiss?"

"Oh, oh right." Closing her eyes, Ashley leaned in, but I just pecked her quickly on the lips. Her hand around my wrist stopped me from leaving again.

"Ok, now I know something's wrong."

"No Ashley… nothing's wrong." I couldn't meet her eyes. She led me over to the bed and sat me down. Ashley kneeled between my legs.

"Spencer, what did I do?" The concern in her eyes killed me.

"Nothing… I just don't feel well." She caressed my face.

"Aww, my poor baby. You do look a little pale."

"I'm kinda tired too." I pouted.

"How 'bout you take a nap and I can make you some soup. I'll call Chelsea that you guys can go shopping another day."

"Not soon… I'm – I'm uh, I decided to save my money for something."

"And what's that gorgeous?" I looked at my feet embarrassed.

"Nothing…" I mumbled.

"C'mon, you can tell me. What is it Spence."

"It's stupid."

"_Please_." A little pout married her feature.

"Implants…" I said feeling the bright red flush cover my face.

"What? Why? That's stupid Spencer. Why the hell would you want to do something like _that_?" Her tone was sharp – I pissed her off.

"I told you it was stupid." I said dejectedly.

"Spencer look at me… Spen_cer_." She growled my name and my eyes drifted shamefully up to her angry brown ones. My chin trembled. I didn't want her to be mad at me.

"I – I – I just wa, wanted to saaatisfly you like (sniff) the girls in th – those magazinesss." I began to cry.

Ashley's Pov –

My eyes soften immediately. I knew I should have gotten rid of those – or at least hid them better. I can't believe Spencer is so worried about her body image – she's beautiful. Then again, most 15-year-old girls are.

"_Spence_…" I began to take of her socks then I pulled her uniform top over her head. "You're perfect." I kissed her forehead before removing her skirt. Choosing a pink camisole and a pair of white pajamas with paw prints on them – not sure why I have these – and walked back over to Spencer. After talking a few seconds to admire her near naked form I dressed her, pulled the covers back, picked her up and tucked her in. My lips brushed against her forehead. "Get some rest angel." Spencer wouldn't let go of my hand; I smiled down lovingly at her. "Want me to snuggle with you?" She nodded sleepily. I climbed on in and took Spencer into my arms.

"'M sorry." I continued to stroke her hair.

"I'm sorry I freaked out… I just couldn't stand the thought of anything changing about you." Spencer snuggled farther into my arms. Her stomach growled making me laugh.

"Someone's hugry." I joked. "Want me to make you something."

"No, I'm ok. I had a big lunch actually." My browns furrowed at that.

"I thought you said you had to skip it." She shifted nervously in my arms.

"Yeah… well… I got something on the way here." At this I sat up.

"Spencer, you came home with me. We didn't stop for any food." Her eyes darted around, never making contact with mine. "Spencer…. What's going on?"

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………


	37. Can You Choose to Love Me, Please?

"Spencer

"Spencer." I could feel my throat starting to swell and my heart take a plunge. "Baby, please don't tell me…" Her eyes tried desperately to avoid locking onto mine. I started to rub my eyes ferociously. "Why, baby? Why, why, why!" She jumped a little bit. How could she be doing this to herself? How could she be hurting herself so bad? I felt so angry, so fucking mad! Not at my baby, just…. Fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK! How did I miss this? I racked my memory trying to find clues. I came up with a bunch of 'not hungries' 'already ate', irrational insecurities about her body, things she mentioned that her mother said…. Her mother… PAULA. "How long?" I hissed out in anger. Big blue eyes, stormy gray with fear, looked up at me. "How long, Spencer?"

"After we broke up," she whispered, her head hung low. "I'm sorry…" and I didn't know if she meant about not telling me, or because I started to cry, or about the whole thing in general. "I think I should leave." I could save this now - finally. I could hold her in my arms and tell her that we'd be ok and kiss her and love her – say that she has nothing to be sorry about. I could save this by just telling her I was going to help her.

"I think you should too." But I didn't… "I'll take you home." She started to shake hard.

"D – don't leave me again, Ashey! I've lost _everyone_ for you!" The anger and animosity felt like knives piercing every inch of my skin. She screamed even louder. "I'M GOING TO LOSE MY FAMILY FOR YOU!"

And then it was silent because everything was out in the open. Now we both knew that she had to choose and she could only choose one. She would either loose her family, or lose me…

"_Love, like truth and beauty, is concrete. Love is not fundamentally a sweet feeling; not, at heart, a matter of sentiment, attachment, or being "drawn toward." Love is active, effective, a matter of making reciprocal and mutually beneficial relation with one's friends and enemies."_ – Carter Heyward


	38. Don't Give Up When You Know it's Right

"I – I wish you'd just stop running away Ashley

I am sorry Xs a million. My sister got married at the end of August and I was too busy with that and the slide show I made for the reception then word somehow got erased off of my computer and I just uploaded it today cause my Dad gave me the CDs. Plus I've been so busy with school. Sorry, sorry, sorry. I hope I didn't lose any readers. You guys are the best!!

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"I – I wish you'd just stop running away Ashley! I want to pick you, but how do I know that you won't just leave as soon as things get hard?!" I could feel my heart constricting.

"Spencer, don't say that." I pleaded. "I love you baby. You know that."

"No! I don't!" She suddenly started to move, like the idea just came to her. She tore the covers off and something about this moment led me to an epiphany. Maybe it was the way that my small tank top looked too big on her, how her arms and legs looked breakable, maybe it was the scared look you see from a child or the desperation puffing from her lungs, I'm not sure. But it was that moment when I realized that I was the adult: her protector. There had been too many times where I had disappointed her – she didn't know it, but I let her down. Spencer shouldn't be taking care of me. I'm not with her to take care of me. And the only way I can fix this is if I start taking responsibility for us.

I stood up surprisingly calm, walked in front of her as she freed herself from the mass of sheets and took both of her forearms in my hands. She twisted and tugged, but she was too weak to actually make progress. I gently but firmly pulled her into me. Locking my brown eyes with her wild blue ones I waited for her to stop. Eventually, her thrashing slowed down and I leant so far in that our nose rubbed. I angled my head, looking down upon her.

"I will never let you go." I whispered against her tear stained face. "No matter how hard you fight, I am _not_ going to let you go, ever." She stared at me almost in a trance except for the light tug I felt as she half-heartedly tried to pull away. "Listen to me… You will always have me; I'm not letting go. I promise. So stop trying to get rid of me because I'm not going to let you down. Not anymore."

"I love you Spencer." I whispered quietly no longer sounding as strong. "I love you and I'm not going to let you hurt yourself anymore… God, I love you…" Silent tears trickled down her face and I brushed them away with the pads of my thumb. She leaned into my fingers causing our foreheads to rest against each other. "I love you."

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

The room had a blue tint – it was late. I held Spencer close to me. Looking down at her curled up form; I bushed her hair back gently. I jumped when her cell phone went off. I lent across her, trying to reach it.

"Warsh waz sa ashry."

"Go back to sleep baby. I'll get it." I murmured lovingly. "Fuck. We _so_ don't need this." I mumbled when I say Paula's name flashing on the screen. Spencer began to stir more.

"Whatz wrong." She cutely rubbed her eye and let out a little yawn.

"Your mom." That immediately sobered her up. We exchanged fearful looks before Spencer reluctantly answered.

"H-hello?"

"Where the _hell_ are you?"

"… I'm at, uh… Ashley's."


	39. Things Will be Different

I am soooo sorry. I've been swamped with homework and just drained. I hope you will continue to read and enjoy this; I'm going to try and update more frequently. Thanks for reading!!

* * *

I rolled onto my back again. I was getting restless. Spencer had been in there a long time. Groaning, I sat up on my bed.

"Mom, _please_!" Staying as still as I could, I tried to see if I could hear anything else. She was in the bathroom talking to Paula and had been for almost 45 minutes. This was killing me, just sitting here not being able to do anything. Fuck, I needed a distraction. Half-heartedly I turn on the CD player and flop back down on my bed.

_Tell myself, on the ride home.  
Getting tired, hating all I've known.  
Holding on, like it's all I have._

I hope everything is ok… I can't lose Spencer…

_Count me out, when it's clear that I, find it hard to say.  
And you, find it hard to care._

_I wanted to see something that's different, something you said would change in me.  
Wanted to be, anything different, everything you would change in me._

I want to show her that I am really worth it…

_Got this way, upfront but never true.  
God I'm wrong, it's just the way I am._

I love her too much and I think – everything we've been through, everything I put her through… I just love her too much to let go now…

…………..

_Crashing down, any chance you hear._

I shot up from my sleep-ish state. There was another sob and something connected solidly with the door. Still a bit disoriented, I got to my feet as quickly as I could and swiftly sprinted over to the door.

_Caving in, any chance that you, could see inside of me._

"I love her!" Spencer sobbed loudly into her phone.

"Baby, open the door."

"I love her! Please, don't do this!"

"Spencer, open the door!" I yelled franticly.

"NO!" She wailed. "You can't… I hate you!"

"Spencer!" I was now ramming my shoulder into the wood of the door. "Open up!"

"I HATE YOU!" With one final hoarse yell, she ended the conversation. Finally the door opened and I stumbled inside to see Spencer sitting on the floor in front of the entrance crying broken-heartedly.

I sunk down next to her and took her into my arms. Looking up I noticed her phone on the other side of the bathroom. My attention was soon brought back to the girl I was holding.

_And I don't know what to say, It's fine._

"Spence, what's wrong?" She shook her head and buried it farther into my neck.

"Shh, shh, baby. Don't cry, please angel." I gently stroked her hair and brought her into my lap.

_This isn't Hollywood.  
So fine, getting in your way._

Her big blue eyes looked up at me with such dependency and hurt.

"Let's run away."

_I wanted to see something that's different, something you said would change in me._

Everything paused for a few seconds as I took this all in: her beautiful features marred with anguish, us on the floor, the yelling and her desperate 'I love hers'. We could lose everything; she already has.

_Wanted to be, anything different, everything you would change in me._

"Let's run away." I murmured making up my mind.

_I__'m taking a chance, this could be different.  
This could be all I'm waiting for.  
Taking a chance, this could be different.  
This could be all I'm waiting for._

_I wanted to see something that's different, something you said would change in me.  
Wanted to be, anything different, everything you would change in me._

_Something that's different  
Something that's different_


	40. To the Shores

Don't know why I'm still afraid

**Don't know why I'm still afraid  
If you weren't real I would make you up  
now  
**

The wipers cleared the splashes of rain off of the windshield. You could actually see the stars from here. I glanced to my right; Spencer was curled up in my green Addis hoody and a blanket, sleeping peacefully. You know when you're doing something wrong, but you don't regret it? That's me right now.

The moonlight casted cajoled shadows over the ocean in front of us. Wherever we were, it was colder here, but the air felt nice, refreshing. Everything felt lighter, like all that had happened was a lifetime ago. My lungs burned with that feeling… you know, the one before you cry and I welcomed it. I just wanted to let everything go. I wanted to be alive and feel free.

"Spence, wake up." I whispered sweetly as I began to unbuckle her seat belt. "Baby," I said brushing her hair behind her ear. God, she looked beautiful. "Let's go angel." Gently, Spencer started to stir, mumbling cutely.

"There yet?" She husked sleepily. I jumped out of the car and opened her door, pulling her into my arms.

"Almost." I promised into her sweet smelling hair. I felt so awake.

Guiding us to the back of the car holding her hand as she tiredly rubbed an eye, I popped the hood. With the blankets and CD player in one arm, I held her hand with the other and lead us across the sandy lot.

"Where we going?" she tiredly asked.

"Away, silly."

"_Ashy_." She whined eliciting a smile from me.

"I'm taking you away and we're going to sit on the beach – "

"In the dark?!" Spencer asked trying to hide the rising excitement.

"Mh hm, and we're going to watch the waves," I continued leading her carefully onto the soft beach. "And we're going to relax and lay under the stars," I turned around and, walking backwards, pulled her into my arms, "and I'm going to make love to you." I smiled playfully against her lips before I placed a chaste kiss against them. A light blush graced her cheeks as I continued to lead us through the sand until we were in, what I presumed, was the middle of the beach. I promptly dropped the blankets and set the CD player down. Spencer was still standing up so I smiled coyly and pulled her down onto my lap.

Her head rested against my front and I kissed the back of her head.

"I can't believe this is happening." She whispered dreamily.

"It's like a dream."

"I want to stay here with you… forever Ashy. You know that right? Actually, we don't even have to stay _here_. I don't care. I just want to be with you." I laughed softly at her cuteness.

"I know baby, me too." I leaned over and clicked play on the stereo.

_Don't know why I'm still afraid  
If you weren't real I would make you up  
now_

"I love you Spencer Carlin." My lips brushed softly against her ear.

I wish that I could follow through  
I know that your love is true  
And deep  
As the sea

"And I love you Ashley Davies." I grinned and hugger her tighter.

But right now  
Everything you want is wrong,

"Dance with me?" Turning to look at me, Spencer smiled and kissed me in reply. We both stood up and I took one of her delicate hands in mine. We pressed up against each other, one of my hands protectively around her waist and hers around lying on top of it. Our other hands interlocked as I gently moved her around the beach. Her back was too the ocean and I couldn't believe how her eyes seemed even brighter than the waves. She's is so beautiful…

And right now

All your dreams are waking up,  
And right now  
I wish I could follow you  
To the shores  
Of freedom,  
Where no one lives

After a while of dancing, we were back to lying on the beach. I reached over to take her hand in mine, lightly stroking the back of hers with my thumb. Remember when we first met I brought it to my lips and kissed it. I continued to place light kisses over her hand. And everything was still a bet, In love's game I rolled on top of her, lacing our hands together above her head.

You would call; I'd call you back  
And then I'd leave  
A message  
On your answering machine

Spencer looked up at me through long lashes and smiled innocently. My grin mirrored hers as I leaned down slowly. Our noses light rubbed against each other as I barely brushed our lips together. I giggled as Spencer tried to kiss me again, her eyes still shut.

But right now  
Everything is turning blue,  
And right now  
The sun is trying to kill the moon,  
And right now  
I wish I could follow you

She mouth kept trying to find mine, but I playfully would move just out of reach and kiss her cheeks or foreheads. I planted butterfly kisses on her eyes lids, holding her head in my hands before pressing my lips firmly against hers. I gently ran my tongue against her bottom lip.

To the shores  
Of freedom,  
Where no one lives

Freedom  
Run away tonight  
Freedom, freedom  
Run away  
Run away tonight

Everything felt like it was in slow motion We're made out of blood and rust: my hands running under her t-shirt, her hands around my neck. Our legs tangled together as we continued to kiss. Looking for someone to trust/without/a fight Soon our clothes were shed onto the cool sand. The ocean air tingled against my skin as Spencer ran her hands over my shoulders. Moonlight danced across our bodies as the waves crashed against the shores.

I think that you came too soon  
You're the honey and the moon  
That lights  
Up my night

I gently kissed her as my fingers slipped inside. Spencer gasped; her lips parting and her body rising up to meet me.

But right now  
Everything you want is wrong,  
And right now  
All your dreams are waking up,

"I love you, Spencer." I whispered lovingly.

"Ash…"

And right now  
I wish that I could follow you  
To the shores  
Of freedom  
Where no one lives

"Spencer!" I gasped in shock as she entered me.

Freedom  
Run away tonight  
Freedom freedom  
Run away  
Run away tonight

Each other's names were breathed of our lips; our mouths crashed against each others over and over again.

We got too much time to kill  
Like pigeons on my windowsill  
We hang around

"Spen – Spencerrrr…"

Ever since I've been with you  
You hold me up

She gripped me tighter, nails scrapping down my back.

All the time I've falling down

"A-Ashley…"

But right now  
Everything is turning blue,  
And right now  
The sun is trying to kill the moon,  
And right now  
I wish I could follow you

We collapsed against each other, hearts beating in sync. I felt like I couldn't catch my breath. Warm arms wrapped around my waist as I buried my head in her neck, deeply breathing in her sweat sent.

To the shores  
Of freedom  
Where no one lives


	41. Everything's Better at the Ocean

"Ooo, Ash, look!" I turned my away from the ocean. Pushing off from the railing of the pier, I looked over to see Spencer walking excitingly towards me. Her flowing white skirt swooped playfully in the wind. She was wearing a light, unfitted red v-neck. The oversized short sleeves and fabric clung to her in all the right places but still fluttered in the wind giving her a very beach-y look. I grinned when I notice the bright pink snow cone in one hand a shell necklace in the other.

She held them out to me and I perched my sunglasses on my head to get a better look. "Very nice." I said before wrapping and arm around her waist and drawing up against me.

"_Ashy_." Spencer blushed. I kissed her temple.

"Baby, it's San Francisco, I don't think people care." She grinned and kissed me chastly on the lips.

"I like it here." I smiled and squinted against the sun over the water.

"Me too."

……………………………………………………………………………………………

"Guess who's birthday's coming up?" Spencer asked smiling beside me. I pretended to think hard about it.

"Hmm. Kyla's is in February, mine's August…? Nope, no one's I can think of." She rolled her eyes.

"You're an ass."

"Yeah, an ass who's bought you a beach bag full of crap."

"Hey! It's not crap… I really need all that stuff." She pouted.

"You need a t-shirt with a crab that says 'beach babe' or a stuff dolphin _or_ – "

"Ok, shut up." I smiled I reached for her hand.

"Now, I do know that my baby's birthday is coming up. Is that who you were talking about?"

"Yup, May 12th." She proclaimed with a huge grin.

"Two weeks away."

"And I can drive!"

"And I our relationship isn't as creepy!"

"It's not creepy!" She scolded.

"Yeah, I'll be 19 in three months and you're 15."

"But we love each other."

"And we have mind blowing sex." I smirked.

Spence and I continued to walk hand-in-hand down the boardwalk in comfortable silence.

"I think I'd like to here." Her eyes gazed up at me.

"It's nice." She agreed.

"Yeah… and I think I'd like it if you lived with me."

"Uhg!" Spencer crashed into me, hugging me tightly.

"Really Ashley!?"

"Yeah, I know it's a lot to think about and man, I – I have never thought about the future this much, but I really want a future with you." I confessed shyly. She stood stopped me suddenly and took both of my hands.

"Ash, I know that this is a big step for you and I would love to move in with you – when I graduate of course."

"Really?" I breathed out.

"Mh hm." She pressed her lips against my cheek. "You just can't leave without me."


	42. Maybe This Won't Last Forever

I'm sooooooo sorry (times a million) that I haven't updated for well, 5 months to be exact. Damn, I suck... I've just been really busy with school. Stressed out with it for that matter and my brother-in-law is leaving for Iraq soon. I promise that I won't take suck long breaks. Please, I hope you guys keep reading and commenting. It's why I write this. :) Thanks

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"We should think about going back home..."

"What? Why... Aren't you having fun?" Spencer asked dejectedly. I walked in from the balcony and the Sea Side Village. The air felt cleaning as it moved over me. Spencer sat on the bed in a pink tank top and shorts reading a magazine.

"Yeah... but we need to go back sometime." I laid back on the bed and chuckled to myself. It's a good thing Spencer was wearing longer shorts and a different colored tank. I didn't want to be the old matching couple at the age of 18.

"I know, but...." Spencer trailed off.

"We should go..."

"You're acting weird Ash..."

"I'm not."

"You are." She said stubbornly. She should stop hanging around me. I think I'm a bad influence.

"Yes-"

"_No_."

"You're getting antsy." I raised an eye brow wanting Spencer to explain. "You're bored. You're running from one room to the other or one store to another."

"I just... it's different being here." I mumbled.

"What do you mean, Ashey?" She was turned around and looking at me. I saw concern creep into the corners of her eyes.

"I would rather drop this conversation and have sex." I said matter-o-factually. She rolled her eyes.

"Ash..."

"_Spence_."

............................................................................................................................................................

............................................................................................................................................................

"I think I should take you back home, Spence." Her brow furrowed and she turned to look at me. The sheet softly wrapped around her torso. I was sitting up leaning against the back board in just a lacy black bra.

"You were smoking." She stated, her gaze landing on the ash tray placed on the nightstand.

"Mmm." I kept staring at the wall. I concentrated on the swirls on the cream-colored wall. I could feel her look burning the side of my face and I resisted the urge to look at her or run.

"Talk to me Ash. Did I piss you off?" I quickly turned to look at her and tucked a strand of honey blonde behind her ear.

"We can't just keep running away." She chewed on the right side of her cheek with distain. I picked what remained of the cigarette up and place the smooth black stick between my lips then inhaled. "It's not going to help makes things better. And trust me, if I know anything, it's that running away from your problems doesn't work."

"I think you just want to get away from me." She joked softly.

"Pretty much."

"I didn't think I was _that _bad." I smiled gently and looked over at her. "I wasn't right?" She asked sheepishly. I threw the cigarette in the ash tray and rolled over on top of her. Taking her hands in mine I put them above her head and lean down to place kisses on her neck.

"Mmmm. Not at all." I whispered against her smooth skin. We met in a slow kiss. I nibbled her bottom lip eliciting a light moan. Breaking apart, I cupped her face with my hands and she rested hers on my lower back. "You're so sexy." I nipped at her lip again. I lightly trailed my fingers over her ribs. "Do you know that?" I mumbled against her mouth. "Hm?" My lips broke from hers and run across her jaw to the crook of her neck. There, I buried my face. She smelled so good, like fresh air and vanilla. I couldn't believe I would be leaving this. I wrapped my arms around her tightly, kissed her soft neck and got off the bed.

"I'll be back soon." And then I left.


	43. Sacrifices for the Faint of Heart

I know, I know. I suck. Boo-hoo. I'm sorry I haven't updated in... 6 months. Wow, I do suck. Quite a lot. Anyway, my birthday was this month so be nice and I'm sorry. I love you all platonically. It feels right to be back and I *am* back. I'm going to try to wrap this story up and work on my others. Cheers, kids.

* * *

_"I think you just want to get away from me." She joked softly._

_"Pretty much."_

_"I didn't think I was that bad." I smiled gently and looked over at her. "I wasn't right?" She asked sheepishly. I threw the cigarette in the ash tray and rolled over on top of her. Taking her hands in mine I put them above her head and lean down to place kisses on her neck._

_"Mmmm. Not at all." I whispered against her smooth skin. We met in a slow kiss. I nibbled her bottom lip eliciting a light moan. Breaking apart, I cupped her face with my hands and she rested hers on my lower back. "You're so sexy." I nipped at her lip again. I lightly trailed my fingers over her ribs. "Do you know that?" I mumbled against her mouth. "Hm?" My lips broke from hers and run across her jaw to the crook of her neck. There, I buried my face. She smelled so good, like fresh air and vanilla. I couldn't believe I would be leaving this. I wrapped my arms around her tightly, kissed her soft neck and got off the bed._

_"I'll be back soon." And then I left._

* * *

My phone was off, but I knew that wouldn't stop the calls. It has been two hour -- almost three -- hours. I hoped she'd be okay. I hoped she'd forgive me. I hoped she'd still love me. But that didn't matter.

Is it possible to grow up in a few hours? Probably not. That's what I was afraid of. This was for the better though. This -- this was *really* stupid. I'd out done myself.

"You again?" The man smiled at me. He kinda looked like Morgan Freeman.

"Uh, yes. It's me. How are you, sir?" I awkwardly asked. He smiled again and laughed.

"I'm just fine... Need another ticket?" I shook my head. His smile faltered for a second before he gently asked, "Well then Miss, what could I do for you?"

"When uh, when does the plan for Los Angeles leave?" I pulled on my hoodie sleeve.

"A hour and a half -- 6 o'clock. " He spoke to me like I was a scared child.

"Thank you." I smiled weakly as way of saying goodbye. Looking down I began to turn away.

"You sure you don't need another ticket?" I looked up at him once more.

"No." I said and made my way out of the airport.

* * *

Sacrifices. Those are important. I've always heard that. If they hurt this bad then they must be.

6 o'clock.

I walked down the pier and bought a hamburger at a little restaurant -- most of it was outside.

I threw up into the green waters of the bay.

I bought a soda and proceeded to vomit that up too into the nearest body of water.

I continued to buy things -- a blue seashell that's color was all to familiar (it shattered when I threw it back to the sea -- it hit a rock), a cheap bracelet -- left it on a bench, a snocone (technically in the bay now), a bandana, plastic watch, map of Alcatraz, dolphin picture book and a grey-green hat that I wore as proof that I'd been here.

7: 02.

I threw up in the bay again. I matched the color of the water now.

7:48.

I walked towards room 16 and felt like I was going to find a body there except I wasn't.

The key missed the whole a few times before I finally got it in and was able to open the door. I thought about not coming back. There was nothing in this room I needed anymore.

The bed was still slightly disheveled -- like someone made it and then decided to sit down on it as an afterthought. It was my side -- by the dresser. I didn't want to look there yet. Instead I scanned the small room. I'd have to pack my suitcase. I couldn't stay here. My eyes wandered over to the dresser and I forced myself to move in it's direction. I looked down at the note. It wasn't mine this time. I picked it up like it would shatter in my hands if I held it too tightly. Sitting down on the side of the bed too, I took a deep, shaky breath and started to unfold it.

_I would have waited._


	44. Don't Let It Go

I'm sooo sorry. I've had a lot of things going on in life and it's been hard. Anyways, thanks to all my faithful readers. =)

* * *

_When you try your best but you don't succeed_

_When you get what you want but not what you need_

I sat on the bed for awhile longer looking at the note. It was now crumpled at the edges from my tight grip. I shut my eyes tightly and clench my jaw but all I could picture was how she must have looked when she knew I wasn't coming back, when she thought I didn't want her around. It's complete bullshit. I did this for her.

I considered calling Kyla, but I couldn't face her and what I needed to ask her would require just that. Instead, I called Jake hoping he hadn't done anything stupid lately that would land himself in juvie... or jail.

Still clutching the note in my left hand I dug out my phone from my pocket. I took a deep breath and dialed the familiar number.

_When you feel so tired but you can't sleep_

_Stuck in reverse_

"Hu-llo?"

"Uhm, hey Jake..." There's a pause before he answers.

"Ash?" It's like he doesn't believe it's really me. I'm beginning to wonder if he's suspicions are right.

"Yeah, I uh, I need a favor."

"Haven't seen you much lately." He says almost accusingly, completely disregarding my last statement.

"I know... I'm, I'm sorry." Letting go of the note for the first time, I ran a shaky hand through my hair. "Please, Jake. _Please_. I know I just up and left and we've been distant lately but I'm asking for your help and you know I rarely do." He sighed and I could almost see him wiping his hand down his face tiredly.

"Okay. What's up?"

"I - I need you to go to my house without Kyla knowing and -"

"This sounds dangerous." He jibbed.

"Shut up. As I was saying, I need you to get to my room - without Kyla catching you - and..." My voice faltered. "And I need you to get all of Spencer's stuff." I felt ridiculous then. It seemed so high school, so over dramatic. But this wasn't just a break up. This was everything. "I need you to give it back to her or something." He didn't say anything at first and I was a little worried that maybe he thought I'm asking too much.

"You know, Ashley, I always knew you were a screw up, but I never thought you were a coward." I could feel his anger and disappointment radiating through the phone.

_And the tears come streaming down your face_

_When you lose something you can't replace_

"I - I..."

"You got scared." He stated softly.

"I had to do the right thing."

"Ash, what happened?"

"I couldn't just keep putting her through all of this. I had to think of her first and that meant letting her go. I mean, that's love right? You let go even when it seems like the most impossible thing to do. On the beach, I kept thinking about how perfect this was: Spencer, me, together. I thought about Kyla; she'd like it here too. We could all be together. And that's when it hit me. I manipulated all these events so I could get everything I wanted. I could have Spencer without facing her parents. I could have my family without dealing with my mother. I could get away from everything I felt I couldn't deal with. I could have it all and even though this manipulation was unintentional, I was so obsessed with getting what I wanted that I didn't think about her. And that's when I realized that I had really messed up. Everything I did was for her up until this point so even when I screwed up, at least it was because I was trying to protect her."

_When you love someone but it goes to waste_

"And now what are you doing?" I scrunched my brows up in confusion.

"What do you mean?"

"She's sacrificed everything to be with you and now she has to face it all alone." I closed my eyes, defeated."You can't keep running and you can't expect her to keep following you."

"I tried to protect her but really I just deserted her."

_Could it be worse?_

"You can fix it, you know." I laughed humorously.

"Yeah?"

"You know how airports are." I grinned.

"I've got to go, Jake."

"You sure do." He replied supportively.

"I'll talk to you later... Thanks."

"No problem. And Ashley?"

"Yeah?"

"Don't fuck it up."

"Bye, Jake." I replied smiling.

"Bye, Ash."

* * *

_Lights will guide you home_

I ran through the small hotel room gathering clothes and throwing them back into my suitcase. I checked my watch. Eight o'clock. I prayed that the storm had delayed the plane because there was no way I could get to Los Angeles in two hours. I glanced anxiously around the room to make sure I had everything. And there on the bed was the note. I grabbed it off of the covers and pushed it into my pocket. I needed to remember.

_And ignite your bones_

My navy converse splashed through the puddles on the cement walk way. I sprinted to my car practically falling into the drivers seat.

"Hello... yeah, I was wondering if the plane to Los Angeles left yet?... Okay, okay, great. Thank you." I almost cried. It was delayed. Thank you, thank you, God. The rain was truly a blessing. The streets weren't as hectic as usual with the oncoming storm.

_And I will try to fix you_

I raced through tunnels, the headlights dancing off of their walls. I took every short cut I knew, pushing the speed limit - determined to get there in time.

_And high up above or down below_

_When you're too in love to let it go_

I drove through the night, ignoring my nerves. My heart pounded in my ears as my stomach did summersaults. And I finally felt alive. I knew what I should do. I _finally _knew how to fix something - everything.

_But if you never try you'll never know_

_Just what you're worth_

The clock on the dashboard read one a.m., but I was too determined to be tired. I was so close. The Los Angeles skyline shimmered in the distance eliciting memories of the past year.

_Lights will guide you home_

_And ignite your bones_

_And I will try to fix you_

It was almost two when I was finally on the streets of Los Angeles. My car swiftly maneuvered through the never ending traffic. Glancing to my left, I spotted a sign for the airport and flew past it.

I slowed down as I reached reached the suburbs. The car purred softly and allowing me to hear the soft pattering of the rain. The sky was still dark, only illuminated by street lights. The car slowed to a stop by the curb. I could make out a small figure standing in the pouring rain outside the house. I crossed the lawn to stand next to her, sliding my hand into hers.

"Ashley." Spencer whispered with surprised into the rain. She turned slowly, her eyes locking onto mine. I smiled nervously trying to reassure her. This felt so right..

"Ready?" Closing her eyes, she visibly took into a deep breath and nodded her head. She opened her eyes and smiled softly, lightly tracing my jawline with her fingertips.

"As long as we're together." We walked up the front steps of Spencer's house hand-in-hand ready to face our fears.

_Tears stream down your face_

_I promise you I will learn from my mistakes_

_Tears stream down your face_

_And I_

_Lights will guide you home_

_And ignite your bones_

_And I will try to fix you_

**_~The End~_**

**_

* * *

_**This is it; thanks again everyone. I hope you all enjoyed it. I'm considering a sequel. Tell me what you all think/would like. Lot's of love, Ivory.


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